To think I will never trust a man again.

[frickenchicken]

Recently dumped by husband of nearly twenty years. He left for a woman.told
Me it was my fault and I believed him until I discovered his affair.
When I met him, he had nothing. No training, qualifications, money etc. He worked as a labourer. He began to studywith my encouragement and financial backing. I work full time.He studied for ten years and has risen to the top of his game in engineering and now he is gone. I'm sure like the ladies and Men who have been in this position, I also sacrificed a lot. My money, time, hobbies, studies. I brought up our children almost single handedly.I am trying not to be bitter.He was a shit husband and a shit father. Disinterested, absent and disengaged when present.
I am In no rush to ever have any type of relationship again, my problem is that I believe that I will never ever trust a man again or allow myself to fall in love.
Are there any happy outcomes in similar situations please? I feel worried as I am naturally trusting and love to love and be loved .thanks for reading .

My mother married a shitty good for nothing and spent years putting up with his abusive behaviour. She eventually met a very kind hearted loving man who was the love of her life.

Lovely to hear that. Sounds like she more than deserved it.

For a good while yet, it won't matter either way if you can trust another man. You will be able to make your new life and build it around what you want, what your kids need and what makes you all happy. As time goes on, you may decide that you would rather be alone because you like it that way, or you may need to think about ways to protect yourself and spot problems early on. But for now, who cares? You've got rid of an arsehole and that's a good thing.
Honestly, I know a lot of women who have gone on to have happy, healthy relationships after similar breakups. In fact, very few of them have not.

Thanks for such an uplifting post x

Anyone else have any positive experiences ? Please ...

I am beyond furious on your behalf, not just because of the affair (all too common) but because you invested so much in this man. Sorry, totally unhelpful I know.

I was married to an abusive pig of a man for 20 years whom I also supported not financially but emotionally propped him up and gave up my business for his to flourish, only for him to have an affair and walk out of our kids’ lives.

Like you when the dust had settled I was worried about trusting. I was so wary but basically took it at my own pace and didn’t date for ages. After a few non starters met my now dh and I trust him just like my first experience never happened.

Some men are just shits, and sadly you had one. But there are good ones too. Somewhere there is one for you and I hope you will find him. Don't give up!

My ex husband was awful - abusive, cheating, controlling. After divorce I did date some other arseholes (because they were slightly less arseholish). I spent a good year grieving how my marriage was supposed to be. Then spent a year working on myself - health, self esteem, education while bringing up my kids. Once I didn't 'need' anyone to fulfil my life I attracted and connected with a lovely guy. We are 7 years in and still happy. He has adopted my children to the ex and we had another. He isn't perfect and neither am I but I can trust him 100%. Part of that trust is facilitated by the boundaries I have put in place of what I will and won't accept. He knows their are non-negotiables that I will stand by because I have a (mostly) healthy self esteem. He has also proved himself through the good and bad of life.

Op

Are you me?

I know exactly where you are coming from. I hope you are wrong.

Similar story, supported ex in every way, financially, emotionally, through major addiction, allowed myself to be drained of everything, once he was all put together again he married my best friend, don’t think I will ever properly move on from the double betrayal and have had problems with trust ever since

user764

That's awful. How long ago did that happen?

My ex was a complete rat. Because of my experience iv decided that im now too cynical to have a relationship. So, for now im going it alone,dont no if i will ever change my mind but for now im happy.

Sorry to hear that OP, i was in a similar 20 year marriage, gave everything, received nothing.
I just cannot marry again, I'd never trust anyoen enough and at nearly 60 feel my best years are over. i don't want another man in my life.
First husband was the same, then two long term relationships with selfish losers followed by a twenty year marriage with a selfish loser.
i am too loving and giving and am taken advantage of so I dare not risk it again.

You're clearly a very caring, nurturing and generous person, OP, with lots of love to offer.

Take all the time you need to recover from what your selfish, soon to be ex- husband has done, and please don't think you'll never trust a man again. Lots of them are gems. Mine never thought he would love or trust again, till he met me.

Thanks for all your stories. He has really done a number on me and I feel
Awful because I absolutely verbally destroyed him yesterday as he was trying to be chummy and make like we will best mates and all be well when
The dust settles . I feel guilty about that .

I feel guilty about that.

Don't.

You said yourself he was a shit husband and father and now he's a cheater/adulterer too.

You're post reminded me of this quote @frickenchicken

Don't beat yourself up about letting rip. Your anger is righteous. That's OK. Allow yourself to let it out and move through you.

Take all the time you need to work through this betrayal. You will feel bereaved, betrayed, angry, sad and lots of other negative emotions but you will likely start to feel positive, hopeful, relieved, thankful and once you connect with what makes you feel good and the good things in your life, that will be time to consider whether you want to take a chance again.

It took 4 years for me to start dating but I met a wonderful man and I've been seeing him for a year now. Took it all very slowly but life is much better. I didn't think I'd ever be with anyone again but I'm madly in love in my late forties and happy.

I’m going to say there is nothing wrong in feeling that you’ll never trust a man again. That’s how I felt when ex left.

4.5 years on I’m not quite as bad but I still have no desire whatsoever to be in a relationship for the foreseeable future. I think it’s self preservation. I don’t feel like I’m missing anything by being on my own.