To tell this Mum what her DS said to my DS?

[Catbell82]

8 year old DS was invited to a party of a class friend whom I am quite good friends with his mum. My DS has often described this boy as one of his best friends so I assumed he had been invited to the party because they were friends and not because of my friendship with the boys mum. However DS just told me that a while ago this boy had told DS that he wasn’t going to invite him to his party and this week he said that he didn’t want to invite DS and only did so because his dad told him he had to (his Dad is also friends with my DH). It’s not the first time this boy has said unkind things to my DS and I’m really annoyed about it. It makes me feel like I don’t want to take DS to the party. Should I mention it to the boys mum or am I overreacting?
For a bit of background there are 4 of them that usually play together but DS had a falling out with one of the other boys in year 3 which resulted in him not getting invited back to that boys birthday party & also meant he didn’t get invited to the fourth boys party either (because those two mums are very good friends & this boy told DS he wanted to invite him but his mum said no) so I think I’m even more angry as this feels like more rejection for my DS. Out of the 3 boys he thinks of as his best friends, 2 didn’t invite him & the other says he doesn’t want him there!

How do you know for certain that is what one 8 year old said to another unless you were there at the time?

I wouldn’t get to involved in the playground politics, sadly they do get to an age where the friendships change and the parents remain friends but the children don’t mix together. If your son wants to go let him go or politely decline if he no longer wants to attend x

They are 8, leave them to it. You are past the 'I'm telling your mum on you' stage, surely?

You really don't want to get involved like this in kids petty squabbles. It will make it a lot worse for him. What exactly do you hope will happen by telling the parents? The boy gets into trouble and forced to be your sons friend?

Cmon now. You know you need to let him sort it.

Don't say anything, don't get involved.

No don't say anything.

Kids say nonsense like this all the time. The parents have made sure your ds is invited, so they're doing their bit. You'll probably just piss then off if you mention it.

I think it's best you leave them to it. It must be so tough though seeing your son hurt, I'm not looking forward to this part of parenting as it is so natural to want to protect them, but I think it just needs to be left to them at this stage.

Obviously if your son doesn't want to attend now, then he doesn't have to go and you can do something fun with another friend or with you guys.

Friendships do change at this age and they fall out A LOT. My DD2 (7) is in year 3 and I no longer take any notice when she tells me that she's fallen out with one of her friends as the next day it's all blown over and they're best friends again.

My older DD (10) has SEN and adoption related attachment issues. She isn't able to form good friendships and has only been invited to one friend's party since she started key stage 2. That's heartbreaking. Friends falling out with each other really isn't.

I would ask DS what he wants to do.

Well I would say even though it's heartbreaking please avoid saying anything to the this other mum. It's rarely taken well and you may end up regretting it later. Friendship fallout are unavoidable but they can knock down children's confidence . I would speak to the teacher and let her know that your ds is having a fallout with friends. My dd s teacher paired up my daughter with some other kids, like a buddy system as they call it in our school, when she was going through something similar. Kids can be really mean and nasty at times so may be help your son with some comeback phrases or just guidelines for dealing with mean behaviour, especially when it comes from close friends.

Oh God I'd just leave them to it without getting involved.

Also it's not very nice for the birthday boy to be forced to invite anyone.

Think about this: what good can come of you going to thrash it out with the mum?

Don’t, at this age kids say all kinds of stuff to each other, and they learn how to handle fallouts from that as well

No adult intervention needed

What would come out of it?

Other child's mum tells him off. He is more resentful of your child "telling of him" and any possibility of mending bridges go.

Other child's mum says "actually that's true, maybe it would have been better if we hadn't insisted".

Other child says (and possibly totally truthfully as you weren't there) that he didn't say that, and your ds is left accused of lying to get another child into trouble.

Better to leave it. Sounds like he's really come to the end of that friendship. Encourage him to look at others.

What do you want the mum to do? The parents already made their son invite your child - sounds like they are doing their best to maintain the friendship.

Leave it. I've just lost who I thought was my best friend, because she had a go at me for what my DD allegedly said to hers, she sent me an absolutely vile message and accused me of wrecking her friendship with me because I was upset with her messages - but the kids were best friends again before she ever had a go at me!!

Thank you for the replies. I won’t say anything.

I think I am just more sad for my DS that he thinks of these 3 boys as his best friends but the feeling clearly isn’t reciprocated. DS tells me they all play together every day still though...
I’ve tried to encourage other friendships but I think it’s hard in year 4 when everyone seems to be settled in their ‘groups’

Don't go to the party but just say something else came up. Do something fun with ds that day instead.

If she brings it up then be vague about a falling out. Encourage ds to make friends elsewhere

Let DS decide if he wants to go. If he does, watch how they all interact. Is anyone bossy? Is anyone quiet and just following? etc

Then from there see if your DS fits into that friendship group and this is just a blip. If he doesn't, encourage playdates with other kids so he can grow his friendship circle.

Ask your DS whether he wants to go. If he says no, agree on a reason and stick to it to avoid bad feeling.

But other than that, I wouldn’t get involved. DS1’s primary friendships waxed and waned, with him sometimes being left out; sometimes it was another one of the group. They’re all in their early 30s now and love one another like brothers.

I think I am just more sad for my DS that he thinks of these 3 boys as his best friends but the feeling clearly isn’t reciprocated

How do you know this is the case and not just something the other boy snapped at him in the playground because your ds had just said something equally unkind to him?

I used to think dd's best friend was really horrible to her and rather wished that dd would find a different friend who treated her better. Later on, when they were teenagers and looking back on their earlier silly selves with amusement, dd told me about some of the things she had said and done at the time. It certainly made me understand why the other girl's parents had been giving off vibes that they didn't really consider dd a suitable friend for her. Also, some of the stories about bf had clearly been somewhat embellished.

They remained friends into adulthood. I was glad I hadn't meddled.