I need some impartial advise and tough love from strangers as I don't know if I'm now over reacting. Its in law related and long but the basics are...
I've been with DP for 16 years. No wedding or kids (step kids). Not my choice but I'm nearly 40 and am over it now.
DP is Ex army and suffers from PTSD, anxiety and depression. We've had a tough time which has involved some violence and lots of bruises and broken furniture but I'm stuck it out as I know the good side of him is good. I left briefly last year but we worked it out when he go help and I came back. We generally have a lovely life.
I've had a tempestuous relationship with my Ils over the years. My MIL is lovely but lives 4 hours away and is not favoured by DP. Often left aside for his dad. My FIL and his wife were more complicated. I had a lot of time for my step MIL and we tried to rub along the best we could although very different people. I'm very quiet (most of the time) and that reserved personality can sometimes portray itself as cold and standoffish. We've had our fair share of rows and admittedly I can be quite hurtful when it all starts to boil over. While I was trying to get DP help, FIL never saw that there was anything wrong with his son and chose to blame me (even though it had been the cause of the breakdown in DP previous marriage to the point where one of his children no longer has contact as she is severely scarred by what she witnessed as a child). If he'd helped, DP would have got the care he needed year ago rather than when I left him and he knew I wasn't going back unless he changed.
I work in the business that DP and myself set up but I'm also involved in and manage a social building voluntarily, think community hall. This building has a bar and we hold regular music nights. With this comes bar staff. Its a very clicky village and as such I employee staff that don't really have any association to the people that use the facility. 18 months ago, my step MIL had a stroke. She was a big personality and the change was so devastating. Obviously FIL was lost and we all tried to do our best to look after him. He spent a lot of time in the community hall speaking to one of my bar staff (we'll call her Susie) that was having a difficult time. I thought it was very innocent and platonic. Lots of gossiping and whispering about their relationship started to happen in around spring and I nipped in the bud as after all why would my devoted FIL be chasing after a 70 year old man and like wise why would my bar staff not tell me what was happening as she clearly wouldn't be interested in somebody 40 years her senior. It didn't go away though and progressively got worse to the point where even I felt uncomfortable.
In July of this year, my step MIL was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. She never really got over her stroke but we still couldn't believe we were going to lose her. She came home to die but FIL never seemed to be home. In late August my step SIL moved here from London to take care of her mum in the last few weeks. People were twittering at her constantly about his relationship with Susie and so rightly or wrongly she looked at his phone. There were hundreds of messages to suzie declaring his love and in some respect she had engaged in the conversation when it was to her advantage. I obviously have a duty of care to this girl so I asked her what had been happening. Suzie states that she felt sorry for him, he was lonely and that we all had so much going on that she didn't want to bother us. She was trying to nip it in the bud herself. I felt disgusted with my FIL but Suzie also dropped in to conversation (for whatever reason ) how much my FIL dislikes me, thinks I'm the cause of all of his sons MH problems etc, etc. Its been difficult and I probably said some things that I shouldn't have (about dirty old men) to him in the heat of the moment.
On the Sunday prior to MIL funeral, FIL came to see me and stated that he was having chips in the community centre after the wake at a more up market hotel for those that wanted to carry on drinking. I apologised and said that I was really sorry but there was nothing I could do as the hall was already booked for a private function but they were welcome to come and drink in the bar if there weren't a lot of them. I thought this had been understood but on the following Tuesday, one of our bar staff came in and mentioned that FIL was at the bar advising him that he would be there after the funeral with 30 people and chips for his guests. Again, I said we couldn't do it and our chairman who I was talking to at the time agreed. FIL stormed out of the building specifying that I would be getting a serious letter of complaint (never materialised). The next morning FIL turned up at my place of work complaining to DP about me. DP said that there was nothing I could do and with that FIL stormed off (he'd come to my work place specifically to cause a row between me and DP). I tried to go and speak to him but he said he'd let the girls (step SILs) deal with me and that I was putting other people before family.
Everything was put aside for the funeral and I've tried to get along with FIL the best I can. Its been difficult. He's said some appalling things about me, lied, twisted things I've said and I was physically assaulted (punched in the head and hands around my throat) by FILs sister because she thinks I'm ruining his life. FIL was present at the time and said and did nothing while the attack was happening. Additionally despite the fact that he had been speaking to his sister in the seconds before she attacked me, he states he said nothing to provoke the attack.Its been difficult. He's obviously bad mouthing me to anybody that will listen but if I say anything to DP, he just will not have that this is the case. I do understand that he is stuck in the middle and its difficult for him but in the same sentence I expect him to know the difference between right and wrong.
FIL sometimes comes to our workplace to help out for a few hours during the day. Its awkward and although conversation is strained, nothing is mentioned about what has happened and I try not to show my current feelings towards him even though I feel completely betrayed by somebody that was supposed to be my family.
It is step MILs birthday on Saturday. There is a meal in one of the lcoal pubs to celebrate her life. DP was asked if he was going. As its a family thing, and although I still have many unresolved issues with FIL I said I would go for DP to try and bridge over the bad feeling.
Step SIL is organising said event and when DP advised to book for both of us, he got the message back stating that actually I wasn't invited because of everything I had done to FIL. I have no idea what he's been telling them as they haven't bothered to make any contact since MILs funeral. Obviously, DP rightly said that he would therefore not be going either. Two days later he was told that they wanted him there so to bring me. I obviously stated no. I'm not going to go to something that I've been invited to under duress. Now here is my AIBU and where I think I may be losing the plot a bit. I have blocked all contact with this side of DPs family over the last few weeks I just don't want the drama. I've had years of this kind of crap and have always made amends for the sake of DP. DP now states I'm the one being difficult because I won't engage in conversation with them or go to the meal. Am I? Am I not justified for saying no, feeling hurt, angry etc and more importantly not expect partner to go. I feel like he is still going to something I'm not invited to and I would never do that to him. I would have actually told my parents to go fuck themselves long before now if this was the other way around, not that it ever would be.
Step SILs have apparently been trying to speak to me but can't.I just feel like I'm at the end of what I can take, I've actually done nothing wrong and I don't want to listen to their sanctimonious bullshit about how FIL was having a tough time and he doesn't mean anything hes said.Well clearly he does, they do, because it was only a few days ago you didn't want me at your event.
I hope that all makes sense. Theres lots more detail but I feel like I've bored you enough. AIBU expecting him to stay at home with me or should I not get involved with whether he goes or not? I'll be honest and feel that it may would be the end of the road for our relationship.