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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about my mil

55 replies

mummylittle · 22/08/2007 18:02

My mother in law is driving be mad, has only known a week that shes going to be a grandma and has already brought babygrows, booties, socks, moses basket, wet wipes and a blanket, the worse thing is its not for me its all for when the baby goes to her house!! She keeps saying "I cant wait to meet my baby" and I just wanna scream "its not your bloody baby"!!
Im pleased shes exciting but she just to overpowering. Shes now deciding what pram SHE wants!! She rings me everyday and asks what ive had to eat, and am i feeling ok. She wants us to run every name past her incase she doesnt like it!! Im going insane!!
Am I being unreasonable?

Oh and im new to this, can somebody please let me know what all the abreviations mean - DS? DD?
Thanx xxxxxxx

OP posts:

muppetgirl · 22/08/2007 19:03

mummylittle
no no no no no!!!!!!!!!

She does not tell you that she will change the baby!!!!!!!!

My good friends sisters' MIL bought an outfit for her dgc's 1st birthday and showed it to my friends sister. She said lovely, thank you but we have an outfit. Friends sister went into the kitchen during the 1st birthday party, came out and her daughter had been changed by the MIL into the outfit she wanted.

This is YOUR baby!!!!

LucyJones · 22/08/2007 19:06

She sounds like my MIL.
We dealth with it like this - she bought a travel cot for dcs to sleep in at hers. Ds slept in it and we asked to borrow it and now we have a travel cot free of charge She has since bought another one she claims she was given
She bought a booster seat that we also borrowed so is now at ur house. She lives far away so to be honest it makes life easier if she has stuff at hers so we don't have to cram it all in the boot. She laso bought a stroller which actually is really useful as we only have to bring our single one when we visit instead of the double which fills up the whole boot so we wouldn't be able to fit in suitcases etc

MrsMarvel · 22/08/2007 19:41

Yes LJ - take advantage of the situation! Also, make sure that when she's changed YOUR baby into HER white clothes, give baby some blueberry baby food. Oops! Just as well you've got baby's real clothes with you.

She sounds obsessive compulsive to me.

BabiesEverywhere · 22/08/2007 19:49

My mum has some baby stuff at her home for my DD and any children my sister has in the future.

She bought a brand new car seat (for safety reasons brand new) a second hand cot with new matress, second hand buggy. I leave one suitable nightwear outfit and a few packets of frozen breastmilk in her freezer and one sterlized bottle etc.

Toy wise we cycle DD's toys and my mum takes a few small things to her house.

When I ended up unexpectedly in hospital, it was a godsend knowing that she had everything DD needed.

ut MIL has nothing for her, so we fill the car with so much stuff even for an overnight stay and she wonders why we don't jump for joy when we get an overnight invite.

Spandex · 22/08/2007 20:26

Yeah but it's not just about having stuff in the house, is it? This sounds like the OP's MIL is getting ready to completely take over! EEEEEEk. I'd emigrate.

Wilkie · 22/08/2007 20:38

at changing your baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!

grouchyoscar · 22/08/2007 20:44

Mummylittle YANBU.

It's great she wants to be involved but she needs to back off. Your baby is Your baby.

Golly, I have a MIL that is entusiastically smothering with my neice but doing anything for DS is a total chore

clarevoiant · 22/08/2007 20:54

I feel for you mummylittle,when i was expecting MIL bought so much stuff it didnt leave me anything to go out and buy. I was so looking forward to going out and buying those little newborn outfits. When DS was born, she bought a load more stuff, we had loads and loads,most of which was only worn once or twice. I also didnt see ds at his first birthday party nearly all day as she commandered him.
However,in her defence, ds is her first (and more than likely only) grandchild and DP is an only child (my older brother has 3 kids already so my parents wern't that pushy).
She is also now doting on ds and i have gotten used to the fact that when he goes there, she will do everything for him. I found this a bit hard at first, but now i just let her get on with it (DS is nearly 2). Its working both ways now as she babysits for us and will have him overnight etc which gives us a break and he loves it there.
I guess what i'm trying to say, is it does get better and it has its advantages when you want some time off further down the line.

emj23 · 22/08/2007 20:59

It all sounded over the top and annoying until you said that she would change the baby's clothes at her house. That is just unnacceptable. Would you put up with anyone saying to you 'I don't like what you're wearing and you will put on something different whilst you're in my house' ? No! You'd tell them where to stick it!

Flibbertyjibbet · 22/08/2007 21:05

OMG. And I have spent the last 2.5 years complaining that IL's don't visit for months on end, have never offered to even look after our two ds's for a minute, (well ok when we go to theirs they treat me as some kind of childminder while they spend time with their son and grandsons!!!), they ring dp on his mobile first to check if he is in before ringing the landline (claim its cos of their free minutes), in fact they apart from irritating me from a distance they never bother me or seem to want to be involved with their grandsons! Wow after this I will stop complaining. Well, for a while at least

VengefulSquirrel · 22/08/2007 21:06

Hi Mummy Little. I have a rather difficult MIL too and do feel for you. However, my MIL's wierdness has manifested itself in an almost opposite way - she has shown NO interest in our 5month old DD right from when I first got pregnant. I don't understand it and it makes me feel terrible - I have just had to imagine that our little family cannot be affected by her wierdness. I was just thinking that (although the middle ground would obviously be nice!) it's kinda nice she's so excited. She obviously likes you?

After dd was born I found it pretty challenging with two, and would have loved to have been able to rock up at ANYONE's house who had all the equipment etc...maybe hangfire on feeling pushed out. Of course you will be No.1 mum. She will have to learn to take her place! Good luck.

VengefulSquirrel · 22/08/2007 21:09

Although the changing clothes is just plain wierd!

muppetgirl · 22/08/2007 21:23

has anyone else got the competitive MIL?

I'm tired - she's knackered
I had a long labour - she was in slow labour for a week.
I don't want to drive 200 miles whilst 30 weeks prgt - she drove to austria whilst 8 months prgt...

I say it's black - she says it's definately white

rock · 22/08/2007 21:36

When my MIL wanted to 'help' choose the name, we started coming up with the most ridiculous names we could think of and DH and I had a laugh about her reactions.

Remember you will be in charge!
Hope things will get sorted and addressed soon as it could spoil this special time for you.

RedFraggle · 23/08/2007 14:28

Not being unreasonable at all. What a nightmare. Tell your partner he has to get to her ease back a bit. You can always blame hormones if need be. Otherwise you will eventually snap!
My MIL bought stuff for our first baby when we had specifically said not to as it was before 12 weeks when we told her. We told her not to tell anyone - she told EVERYONE she knew. She gave us a teddy when I was 7 weeks pregnant saying "I wanted to buy the baby it's first teddy" Didn't occur to her that we, it's parents, might have wanted to buy the first teddy for it... The teddy has now been "lost", I resented it so much!

She also bought a succession of horrid nylon dresses for DD despite me saying she had to wear cotton because of her eczema. We eventually had a row as she insisted we put one of the horrid dresses on, it was about 3 sizes too big and I refused to take DD out in it and changed her into something that fitted and was cotton. MIL hit the roof and I pointed out that my daughter was my child and not a doll. It didn't go down well, but at some point you have to make a stand. Better sooner than later.
Agree with WinkyWinkola, breastfeeding is very handy as you have an excuse to reclaim the baby as soon as you want by claiming they need a feed. No matter how much she thinks it is her baby, she can't do that!

LoveAngel · 23/08/2007 14:44

Put your foot down now, in the nicest possible way. You are DEFINITELY, without a doubt, going to want some breathing space in the first few days / weeks after your baby arrives and it sounds like she is one of those MILs who will be banging down your door being 'helpful' the second you get home from hospital.

saltire · 23/08/2007 14:52

My MIL was very interfering , but in my case it was really only with DS1 and it was in the week after he was born. Silly thing that I know I shouldn't have let bother me, but they did.
DH went away on "the most important thing that will ever happen to me" - a trip with the RAF rugby team to Cyprus. I got out the hospital on the Friday, my mum went on the Friday night, MIL appeared and DH went off on teh saturday. DS1 was on 6oz bottles every two hours, she would physically grab hima nd bottle from my arms, give him the bottle and then cuddle him to sleep, and then sit there and do fuck all. Meanwhile, me, who had been up every 2 hours during the night was knackered. iwas weepy, I was sore from my stitches, i wanted my Dh, I wamnted my mum, I wanted her to go. She also did things like buy his first teddy, then she took him out on his first walk, whilst I was in the bath and then phoned her mum and sisters to tewll them, she then went to a shop in Elgin and bought him a hideous satin pram cover with satina nd silk pillow and case because "I don't like that hideous thing you ahve there". The hideous thing was a beautiful cahsmere shawl that my terminally ill aunt had crocheted for us. I took her satin thing (which cost her £49) and threw it in the wheelie bin. When the midwife appeared she would follow us upstaris wanting to look at my stitches.
We think she was like this because although BIL had a son, at the time BIl and his girlfriend were estranged and she wouldn't admit to him being the father, so MIL had all the excitement of being in a house with a new baby and a knackered weepy DIL who was to tired to argue

Can you tell that 9 years on it still annoys the hell out of me, I could feel my blood pressure rising.

RedFraggle · 23/08/2007 14:55

Oh Saltire - what a horrible experience. They really do know how to get to you when you are at your most vulnerable don't they?
With my second baby I told DH that his mum was not going to stay with us if she insisted on visiting right after the baby was born. I had an elective section and knew how awful it had been the first time being housebound with MIL there all day everyday. I told DH that if she came at all I would not be held responsible for what I would say if she annoyed me. She left it a month to visit and it was much better!

saltire · 23/08/2007 14:57

Redfraggle - I still maintain that it was that experience which was one of the triggers of my severe PND when DS2 was born, I kept getting flashbacks and getting myself all worked up about it and was having panic attacks in case she came again

RedFraggle · 23/08/2007 15:02

I'm not surprised. She basically took over all the "first" experiences that you would want to have with your own child. You'd think that having had children themselves they would have some vague memory of what it was like...

I had PTSD after DD's birth. My husband had to tell his mum to leave the room when the HV came as she just sat there during the whole HV appointment, even asking questions! My DH didn't want to discuss my flashbacks etc in front of her. Even he was that she didn't realise she should go.

Shoshable · 23/08/2007 15:24

Can i just say in a MIL defence........i used to change DGd when she came to mine, I would pick her up, and once honest to God, she was dressed in a leopard print dress and no knickers long boots and no jumper, it was Autmn and she was two!!!!

Not saying that any of you would dress you child like that, but sometimes MIL's Have to do something!

Holly29 · 23/08/2007 15:37

I can only add this:

whenever I feel like my MIL is winding me up (which is quite rare, I am quite lucky) I remember the most important thing, which is that not only do I have her DS, I now also have (or am about to have) her DGC. They are mine and not here, and I am in the position of power. Obviously I don't say these things to her, but it helps me keep a sense of perspective...(in a nice way, honest).

Holly29 · 23/08/2007 15:38

Not 'hers' I meant to say...

emj23 · 23/08/2007 15:54

It's a different matter if your granddaughter is wearing something that is inappropriate for the weather or something, but to change a baby's clothes purely because you don't like the colour is going way over the top.

Shoshable · 23/08/2007 15:57

emJ i was taking the mickey actually at the time I was looking after DGD Monday to Friday everyweek

But sometimes I do feel MIL get alot of stick they dont deserve, just remember 90% of you will become one.

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