about my mil

[mummylittle]

My mother in law is driving be mad, has only known a week that shes going to be a grandma and has already brought babygrows, booties, socks, moses basket, wet wipes and a blanket, the worse thing is its not for me its all for when the baby goes to her house!! She keeps saying "I cant wait to meet my baby" and I just wanna scream "its not your bloody baby"!!
Im pleased shes exciting but she just to overpowering. Shes now deciding what pram SHE wants!! She rings me everyday and asks what ive had to eat, and am i feeling ok. She wants us to run every name past her incase she doesnt like it!! Im going insane!!
Am I being unreasonable?

Oh and im new to this, can somebody please let me know what all the abreviations mean - DS? DD?
Thanx xxxxxxx

acronym list at the top gives you all the abreviations.

That does sound like over enthusiastic and wearing, doesn't go well with your hormones!

Welcome to MN!
Click on the acronym list at the top of the page; DS - darling son etc.

It's lovely that your MIL is so excited.
But I understand it must be really annoying too.
Give her a few weeks to flutter about and plan things.
If she doesn't calm down though, get your DH to have a subtle word with her.

Is it her first grandchild?

This is the time to set boundarys.

Start as you mean to go on. Let het know that you are so thrilled that she is excited but that decisions such as names are yours and your partners and nobody elses ( I would say that you want to keep the name a secret just incase she does hate it) You must get your partner to enforce the boundaries

Don't worry, she's the insane one. I would say keep well away. She's overbearing and overpowering. She may stop being like that when you refuse a few calls (cut her off with "I'm busy" type excuses. She'll soon get the message.

My concern is that it's getting to you - try not to let that happen. You need to rise above it and make your own nest. Let her create her baby paradise at Grandma's house, baby isn't likely to be there on its own for the first year or so anyway.

Remember she's no threat to you.

It's lovely to know she's so excited but she's not really showing any concern for your feelings at all! I would have hated anyone buying anything so early on ( I am assuming it's early on as she's only just found out)

But if the stuff is for her house I don't suppose there's much you can do about it -just ask her to keep it our of sight if it upsets you. As fot the name thing, she's had her turn at naming her babies, now it's your turn. You don't have to run anything past her!! I agree about your dh having a word with her though as I could see this getting really out of hand...

Setting boundries -a really good idea.

Good point Paula about dp (dear partner) - use the royal "we" often. "We are thinking of painting his room orange"
"we are thinking of calling him Cedric, but my husband and I have set aside time this evening to make our decision"

She needs to know that you are "we".

I agree with HC - it's only been a week, give her a chance to calm down, and if it's still the same after a few weeks then have a chat.
If it's just phone calls then screen the calls for a couple of days, and when you do talk to her make sure you control the conversation and tell her you don't want to just talk about the baby for the next x amount of months.

Do you usually get on OK with her?

Agree with Mrs Marvel, you are 'we'. I wish dh (Dear husband) and I had done this much earlier on...

I also agree with whoever said about your MIL not really needing a moses basketa s the baby won;t be at hers on its own anyway. We only used ours for 9 weeks so it could be a waste of her money.

Yes the Royal we is highly recommended. Be prepared for your partner to tell you this is all harmless, you really need to let him know that this is bothering you.

She does sound a bit strange. I don't think you are being unreasonable thinking she is being odd. In fact you are being very nice by the sounds of it.

If it has only been a week, then I bet it will wear off fairly soon.

Don't worry - but do think of ways to harness the enthusiasm once the baby is here.

Nightmare!! My PILs were the opposite - didn't mention the baby until he arrived and now can't get enough of him.

Suggest you read Jane Green - The Other Woman. FAB lighthearted book about a MIL.

Do you usually get on with her? How far gone are you? I would get DP/DH to explain to her that although you are both excited, you are being cautious about buying things until a little later on (even if you aren't). I would have hated people buying stuff so early - supersitious reasons as well as the fact that the actual 'buying' is the really fun part!

As for names, defo say that you have decided to keep the name a secret. It's none of her business what you decide to call you child - even if she is the grandmother! This is your time, she has done this already, get DH/DP to explain this gently to her.

Yes ppb -it took a while for my dh to realise what his mother was like

-booking our ds into sleep clinic without us knowing
-hovering around the bedroom when ds was trying to get to sleep and refusing to leave
-taking over on his 1st birthday by sitting right next to him, lighting the candles and blowing them out then feeding him his birthday cake. You would think by the photos that I wasn't even there...

Boundries need to be set as situations like the above happen and you will feel more and more frustrated.

Massive thank you to you all, feel better already, knowing that im not being to unreasonable!
DH keeps saying he likes the fact his mum is excited, and thinks i need to get used to it.
Shes only known for 1 week but i only just found out im 4 months pg.
Is it normal for her to have her own nursery and pram? The baby wont even be at hers without me, well at least for a year anyway!!

You are not being unreasonable (YANBU) - that would drive me mad too.

Does she live near you, mummylittle? Is she likely to have other grandchildren staying with her? The clothes aren't really an issue as babies get through a fair bit of clothing but the moses basket seems to be as serious waste of money on her part unless she is planning to use it for more than one child. My MIL (mother in law) bought a travel cot when her first grandson was born which we could all use when we went to stay with subsequent grandchildren and which we all borrowed for holidays for a while but that has a lot longer life than a moses basket which the child will probably be out of in 3 or 4 months. Don't really know what to do to put her off buying though. Probably up to your DH (dear husband) to have a word before she spends loads on a pram which she is not going to use. Tell her she can borrow yours if she ever has the baby to take out to save her the money.

Just ignore her (and everybody else) on the name thing. Mention only vague ideas and don't be specific and don't tell her your final choice before the baby is born. People have to be seriously rude to criticise a name after a baby is born when they wouldn't give it another thought to have a moan before it arrives so just don't give her the opportuntity.

It is lovely that she is so excited but I hope for the sake of your nerves and your temper that she calms down a bit soon.

Good luck.

Mummylittle - my MIL kept going on and on and on about turning their spare room into a nursery and how she was going to buy a cot (this was all after DS was born - see previous post). It made me feel really weird cos I didn't want DS stopping over there.

DH had a quiet word and told her that she would only need a travel cot.

She's dropped the matter since.

muppetgirl I have visions of you in the background wielding a very large cake knife menacingly. Could have been a nasty accident!

She does not need a nursery. Explain very gently that the baby won't be staying there for at least a year and probably longer. Do tell her that she might be interested in purchasing the following:

A baby gym
a few rattles
a cuddly toy or two
bibs

That way she still gets a bit of purchasing excitment. These are more realistic things forf grandparents to have. When the little one is about two or three a bedroom set aside would be sweet and trust me by then you'll be keen to have a night or two to yourselves.

Muppetgirl - booked him into a sleep clinic without you knowing [shock

Explain more...

My MIL bought a brand spanking shiny new cot for DD, which she has slept in precisely 6 times in 18 months.

At home she sleeps in the cot my 11 year old niece slept in.

At my mum's she sleeps in the battered cot I used to sleep in!

I am still annoyed that I am having to ask on freecycle for a new cot for the baby on the way and she won't give me her cot
After a few weeks of exactly what you are going through we paid for a new phone and caller display, and I used to either not answer the phone or make DH do it, she got the hint.
Yes, it's very sweet she is excited but it is also bloody annoying and you do need to make clear, as others have said, that this is your baby (you and your other half that is!).

Good luck!

He was a screamer as he was colicky did not sleep at all in the day and only at night when he'd worn himself out (1st 6 weeks)

MIL in Manchester where there is a baby sleep clinic for problem babies. She phoned to tell us that she'd made an app and would be going with us (we live 200 miles away )

I felt like a brood mare as when we were there she totally ignored me and very much did her own thing. Dh's sisters asked if he could have cheese -asked MIL not me who was in the room. I said yes, she said 'oh no, think of his colestorol'. (I think he was baout 9 months) when they asked if he could have jam she said no -too much sugar. I had pnd so didn't have the fight to argue (She siad I just needed to chill with the pnd thing)

We have learned a lot over the past 3 years. WE only tell them what we think they need to know. We won't be emotionally blackmailed into agreeing to come up (she cries a lot as she misses him so much) We don't make decisions off the cuff and talk things through as we are a 'we' and not 'I'.

We feel more in control of our family.

What is it with these mils? Letting grand d sleep in an ancient cot while she covets the luxury one? They're not really doing it for the children are they. My mil has never shown too much interest in ours, I'm starting to appreciate it now after reading this stuff.

caller display very good, we have that too. We also made an agreement that DH would sort out his family and I would sort out mine. (After MIL complained I never rang her)

Weird but this happens a lot. I really hope that when I'm a granny I don't go mental. I hope my DH or DS gives me a good kick in the shins if I'm in any way like this.

My MIL was a bit like this. I didn't have the balls to tell her I wasn't an incubator for her child so to speak and she thought my first was hers! It freaked me out totally particularly as I had trouble bonding with my son. Not sure about chicken and egg here but anyway... ... .. . .We had a big row. Things are ok now and she understands the boundaries but wish it hadn't come to a row.

You need your DH to explain to his mum it is your baby - this is very very important. I swear my MIL thought my DS really was hers. Set those boundaries fast. It'll only get worse because she doesn't see what the problem is.

He should gently explain that you are pregnant. You need to be left alone to get on with things. You will choose the name not her. She won't be welcome to come over whenever she wants.

I'd also recommend breastfeeding not just for the health benefits but so that she can't muscle in on that. Sounds mean but some are very thick skinned.

Having said all that, my MIL loves my kids and she's good with them once she stops trying to take over.

I hate to say it but these posts are making me feel so much better.

I also hate to sound so ungrateful as I know she will always be there if I need help - but it just gets to a stage when you feel overcrowed!!

Oh I forgot, she said the other day, that babies should only be dressed in white, so when he/her comes to her house she'll change him/her to the clothes shes got for him/her!! Now that is weird!!!!

Hey. Don't let her tell you what to do with your baby. Who on earth does she think she is? Don't let her boss you around. Ever.

You're a grown woman and it's your turn to find out how to do things with your child, your way. She's had her children. Tell her to butt out. Stand up for yourself.