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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Christmas dilemma - help

27 replies

Funnyhoney · 05/12/2019 15:18

Now.. My parents asked me and my DH if we wanted to go for Christmas Dinner at their house on Christmas Day. Great idea I hear you say as it'll take the hassle out for you. But no! My dad has no idea how to do Christmas. His cooking is dire usually but can be ok. There'll be no Christmas cheer in their house - no tree, no decorations, no crackers etc. There'll no marking Christmas dinner out as a bit special. It'll drain the life out of us. We did go one year and my DH has said never again and that was the worst Christmas he had ever had. To get round this we have hosted Christmas and this has worked well so far. However he is insistent on hosting this year and so the usual diversion can't be used this year
To get round this this year I thought instead of booking a hotel lunch where the atmosphere is provided by the hotel. A bit more expensive than usual but at least it would be a nice experience and worth it so it'll be a nice day. Well I ran this past my parents. My mum thought it was a great idea. My dad however was still insistent that we go round to their house as he wants to stay at home. I genuinely don't want to offend him and I can't tell him what a terrible job he did.
What should I do? Heeellllppp me please!!!

OP posts:

Atalune · 05/12/2019 15:21

Do you have children?

Children could be the saviour to getting out of this or getting the hotel/restaurant you’d prefer.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/12/2019 15:23

Just say 'we'll come if you stop being a grinch and put a tree up and have Xmas songs in the background all day. I'll bring the crackers'.

Force him to make it Christmassy!

Finfintytint · 05/12/2019 15:23

If your mum is agreeable can you bring some table decorations and crackers with you?

Mulledwineinajug · 05/12/2019 15:26

Just tell them you want Christmas at home and you’ll see them Boxing Day?

TheresWaldo · 05/12/2019 15:27

Just tell him.

Doyoumind · 05/12/2019 15:30

Christmas. The time of year when we have to run around in circles to do what everyone else wants and make ourselves unhappy for risk of offending.

msmith501 · 05/12/2019 15:31

If he doesn't do xmas why is he intent on hosting xmas? It's all or nothing and he needs gently telling. His fragile ego / grumpiness is no excuse to ruin it for the threat of you.

msmith501 · 05/12/2019 15:31

Rest* of you

Daisydoola · 05/12/2019 15:34

Just tell him no.

Ragwort · 05/12/2019 15:37

Just insist on hosting them, and if they refuse to join them tell them that you will visit on Boxing Day ..... or sometime in the New Year.

EstrellaGalicia · 05/12/2019 15:38

This is my PIL. Christmas dinner was on the lap whilst watching coming dine with me. Did it once and swore never again. Not a tree or decoration or christmas cheer in sight.. Now i refuse to go anywhere Christmas day. Happy for anyone to come over if they want to but won't go anywhere . We want the crackers and the crap jokes and mulled wine.

CSIblonde · 05/12/2019 15:39

How grim OP. Is he too tight to buy decs? Take a Xmas song medley, tinsel garlands, party hats & crackers with you, they're a mega quick fix. If his cooking is dire, would he let you /DH/DM do it together to "give him a well earned rest" ? And 'encourage' him to chill with large glass or 3 of his fave drink... (needs must, our Gran was way nicer & more manageable 3 large sherries in at Xmas).

Biscuitsdisappear · 05/12/2019 15:42

Give him the same option that he is giving you. My way or no way.

cjt110 · 05/12/2019 15:47

Sod what you should do. Do what you want to do. If you don't want to go, then don't. And just say "we prefer christmas at home, but thanks"

hammeringinmyhead · 05/12/2019 15:52

I think you can really only get out of it by telling him that it was a lovely gesture last time but as it's only once a year you like a bit of Christmas tradition. Can you ask your mum why he is so insistent? It sounds to me like he doesn't want to go anywhere, either yours or a hotel, and this is his way of getting to say at home.

Original poster

Funnyhoney · 05/12/2019 21:32

Thank you for the ideas. At the core Christmas has to be fun. I will make sure the fun is put into Christmas. If my dad can't get that (and I will give this one more chance) we can't share the day with him. I'm not sure why he is so keen to host when he doesn't want to make it fun. He's very frustrating. Ideas appreciated and making me think a bit about his psychology. Food for thought.

OP posts:

73Sunglasslover · 05/12/2019 21:49

Can you not just be honest and tell him what you need to make a good Xmas dinner? And offer to provide the bits that he won't be doing? Is there a way of wording this that won't upset him?

Wearywithteens · 05/12/2019 22:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Thehop · 05/12/2019 22:24

“ oh no I’m sorry to hear that. It looks amazing, and you’ll be missed. We’re booking our table Friday, let me know if you change your mind”

BluebellCockleshell123 · 05/12/2019 22:27

He probably just wants to get out of the hassle of leaving his own house.

I’d say that yes you’ll come... but only if they put up some decorations! You could take crackers and offer to make a fancy pudding/starter.

What was Christmas like when you were young? Did they make an effort then?

Justmuddlingalong · 05/12/2019 22:31

You don't want to go. Your DH doesn't want to go. You celebrate Christmas and your DDad doesn't. It's a no brainer. Stay at home and invite them over. If he sticks to his guns, plan to catch up at a later date.

Original poster

Funnyhoney · 05/12/2019 22:34

I can try and be honest but he's not someone who will listen to an honest conversion. I know my dad and he is very stubborn. I am usually assertive in RL but don't find this easy with my dad in general. You are right and I do need to be able to do this. And if it doesn't work it'll have to be separate Christmas's. Shouldn't be this difficult.

OP posts:

StCharlotte · 05/12/2019 22:38

Just say 'we'll come if you stop being a grinch and put a tree up and have Xmas songs in the background all day. I'll bring the crackers'.

GiveHerHellFromUs has it right.

Original poster

Funnyhoney · 05/12/2019 22:42

Makes sense! Will do it tomorrow. Thanks

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 05/12/2019 22:45

Sounds like you have issues with your relationship with your parents, particularly your dad, in general?

If he’s not usually fun, he won’t be fun at xmas! You don’t like this, so best not spend xmas with him.

My father dislikes “stuff” so has no tree etc, and neither parent drinks, but mum cooks and we have a good relationship so xmases have been good, although perhaps not everyone’s preference.

DH’s family xmases are boozy and all out effort and lively, but a family member’s alcohol problem is brushed under the carpet which undermines the fun!

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