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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get sterilised?

26 replies

Wonderland18 · 05/12/2019 10:09

I have a one year old baby, crazy little miracle after being told not to worry about additional contraception as it was unlikely I’d conceive.

Basically I’d came to terms with not having children of my own, it’d been 5 years of being aware of the unlikelihood of me becoming a mum. Fell pregnant and it was a nice surprise.
Now I’m pretty set on getting a sterilisation, I don’t think I’d manage mentally with a second child and I’ve tried almost every contraception and they don’t agree with me at all. It’s been a whole year of trying to convince my doctor to put the referral in for me and 2 sexual health doctors telling me I’d need surgery to get the coil in regardless as I’ve bad cervical scarring. Finally in and I’m pleased about it but a lot of family are not sure I’m making the right decision and the drs not sure the surgeon will agree to do it.

AIBU to follow my gut and push for the sterilisation? My partners on board as it’s what I want, he’d equally have another child with me if I choose if that matters.

OP posts:
Jodie77 · 05/12/2019 10:11

How old are you?

Original poster
Wonderland18 · 05/12/2019 10:17

Still considered young as I’m 27, think it’s the biggest qualm people seem to have about it.

OP posts:
HoneyBee03 · 05/12/2019 11:46

I totally understand this. Same age, same age only-child, also desperate for myself or my husband to be sterilised. Contraception is driving me nuts, I've already had an abortion since my son came along despite being on the pill so I'm always worried it could happen again.

I still have nightmares about birth and will never do it again, but I am SICK of people telling me I'll change my mind. I am so happy with one child and have zero desire for another, nor could I afford another. I'm going to the doctors tomorrow to discuss contraception and will also raise the sterilisation question. Hearing you got a referral gives me some hope! If your heart is set, go for it.

Bluebutterfly90 · 05/12/2019 11:50

It's your body, and if you're 100 percent sure you want to be sterilised then go for it.

The surgeon may still back out though. My brother in law was approved for a vasectomy after their third child but the doctors changed their mind at the last minute because he wasn't over thirty. Hmm

HulksPurplePanties · 05/12/2019 11:51

If you're sure, you're sure OP. It's your body. YANBU. (although personally I would be getting DH a vasectomy, but that's cause I wouldn't want major surgery because I'm a wimp).

puds11 · 05/12/2019 11:53

I’m not sure if they will sterilise you. It’s fairly invasive. I think they’re more likely to give your partner a vasectomy.

Original poster
Wonderland18 · 05/12/2019 14:04

My partners basically been told he’s under 30 and men can have children most of their life. “Can’t guarantee he won’t find a new partner who wants to have kids with him”

Thing is even if we did split I’d not ever change my mind I’m set with the one. I feel like I know I’d need an abortion if contraception failed and the thought of that terrifies me too cause I’d not mentally survive another baby or an abortion.

I’m just hoping the surgeons willing to make an exception and not just assume I’ll change my mind.

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 05/12/2019 14:10

If your coil is now in place I would honestly leave this for now. You simply cannot be 100% certain you won’t change your mind and I think you are unlikely to be approved for surgery if you now have effective contraception in place.

By all means mention it to your GP so there is a paper trail (computer!) of your request but I wouldn’t expect it to be acted on at this point.

CandyApple1995 · 05/12/2019 14:15

Hello, I'm 24 and have been denied a sterlization. I have 4 children. I fought for a second opinion and was told a firm no again, my only hope now is to pay for it privately or wait another 10-15 years and try again through the NHS :( It sucks!!! I really don't ever want to be pregnant again, and like you, no contraception seems to work for me. Hopefully they will listen to you and take your concerns seriously x

Original poster
Wonderland18 · 05/12/2019 14:21

I don’t have the coil in, my cervix is scarred shut so I need surgery to get it in regardless, the referral to be assessed for the sterilisation went in this morning so my fingers are crossed!

OP posts:
Justgorgeous · 05/12/2019 15:09

I don’t think you should be sterilised at such a young age. Why not use condoms?

kevintheorangecarrot · 05/12/2019 15:13

I'm your age. I have a 3 year old and I know for definite I do not want any more children. I have risky pregnancies (2 ectopic pregnancies - cornual so the rare and dangerous types). When I had surgery for my second, I told them to remove my remaining tube. However they never did because I am too young. I said I am willing to sign a consent or anything to say this was my decision. It would've been much better doing it when I'm having surgery anyway but they never did because of my age. I think you're going to struggle to get a sterilisation I'm afraid.

MushroomTree · 05/12/2019 15:17

@Wonderland18 I'm in the same position. 28, one child, single parent so no partner to have a vasectomy and very definitely don't want another child.

I had a traumatic birth that nearly 3 years later I'm still struggling with. On the whole, whilst I love my child very much I don't enjoy being a parent, and I never want to do it again.

I've also tried very contraception method going including two types of coil, both of which made me very ill.

Yet still I'm told I might meet someone nice and change my mind. I won't. Me not wanting another child has absolutely nothing to do with not having met the right man. I could be in the most loving, stable relationship in the world and I still wouldn't want another child. Mentally I just would not cope with it.

snowybaubles · 05/12/2019 15:26

I don't think they will sterilise you tbh.

I had 3. Two of them were disabled, I was 33 and it took 6 years of asking every time i saw my GP for anything for a referral to go through.

I can't see why they would sterilise a perfectly healthy parent of one child at such a young age unless you have a huge background of serious mental health problems.

Thinking you won't cope mentally isn't enough.

HarrietTheFly · 05/12/2019 15:36

I am 32 and have a 5 year old and have been looking into sterilisation as I've been certain since the moment she was born that I do not want to go through pregnancy again or have any more children. I rely on condoms for contraception as have never found any other method that doesn't leave me with bad side effects so I thought that sterilisation would be the logical choice.

However, two things I would say:

  1. After reading about sterilisation I have discovered that some women do get bad side effects from it. As I've never been on any medication (not just contraceptives) that has not given me bad side effects, this isn't a risk I'm willing to take.
  1. As dd has got older, I've become more open to the idea of having another child. I was dead set, firmly against it before, I'm less now. Though I can't say honestly that I have changed my mind and will have another - I really doubt that I will, but I think I'd feel some regret if the option was completely removed.

So, of course that's just me. And you're not me. But for those reasons it isn't something I would do. And that's if you will even find a surgeon who would do it. My understanding is that it would be unlikely.

Original poster
Wonderland18 · 05/12/2019 16:25

I was told if my DD was my second they would have sterilised me during my csection if I wanted.
I’ve a bad history of mental health, recurrent issues with CIN cells and a whole lot of autoimmune issues.
Having the first was never really on the cards but when that test was positive I’d no doubts about keeping her and while I love her to bits id still never consider another. Condoms aren’t enough protection for me.

Referrals in anyway I’ll just have to raise it like a PowerPoint presentation to the surgeon.

OP posts:
Whattodoabout · 05/12/2019 16:28

My Mum was refused sterilisation in her mid forties when she already had grandchildren and her children were adults. Her partner had to have a vasectomy in the end...

It’s a rotten system but sadly the NHS are reluctant to carry it out, I think it’s because some people do change their minds and end up wanting it reversed.

1Micem0use · 05/12/2019 16:38

They break

MushroomTree · 05/12/2019 19:35

@Whattodoabout I fully appreciate that argument but surely on the woman's head be it if she changes her mind.

I cannot see me ever changing my mind and I would have a termination if I were to become pregnant. Surely it's better to allow me to have a procedure that will prevent that being a possibility in the first place?

I use condoms now but no contraceptive is 100% effective. And it's either that or decades of celibacy to ensure there's no possible chance of pregnancy.

If I could afford it I'd go private.

lifeisgoodagain · 05/12/2019 19:38

At 27 I thought I was done but years on, in a new relationship I find myself incredibly broody. I'm guessing I'm too old but never say never

woogal · 05/12/2019 22:44

I got sterilised. I had a bit of a fight but they did it when they saw it was what I what I wanted.

I told them that even if I split from my husband, I do not want anymore children. You're supposed to see 2 different consultants. I saw 4 and was counselled at each appointment but they all agreed to do it. I was sterilised right after my cesarean.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 05/12/2019 22:49

Sorry OP, but I don’t want to depress you further but I was made to wait for ten years, until I was 37, because obviously the fact that I had a lady brain meant I didn’t know my own mind. 🙄 I wish I had told them I identified as a man and I probably would have got it sooner.

woogal · 05/12/2019 23:08

Should add - I was 32. They said they would have preferred if I had been approaching 40 but they did it anyway.

runflorestrun · 05/12/2019 23:35

I'm 28 and was sterilised last year during an operation to remove cysts on my ovaries. I have 2 children (6&1 at the time) and, although my consultant sent me home with a lot of reading material when she submitted the request for my cystectomy (and sterilisation) no one challenged my decision. I was just asked again at the pre-op appt and again when I went to theatre if I was absolutely sure. Really wishing you lots of luck with this, as it seems such a minefield x

HarrietTheFly · 05/12/2019 23:35

Sounds like you know exactly what you want then op and have some sensible reasons for it. I always have that worry that once it becomes impossible to have a baby I'd want one, and that's the main thing stopping me going down this route. Well that plus side effects as I said. Really I'd be devastated if I found out I was pregnant (though, the condoms only get used once a year, the rest of the time I am celibate, so pregnancy isn't a major concern for me.)

I wish you all the best with your meeting!