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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Work Friendship

17 replies

MaleGuy · 05/12/2019 05:48

So me and this woman have worked in the same office for about 10 years and have always got on pretty well as friends. Iv always had a lot of time for her and I think she’s a great person.

About 6/7 months ago she messaged me one evening asking if I was ok as I’d seemed a bit down (which I was). She then messaged other times checking up on me which I thought was nice of her and she seemed genuinely interested in how I was.

A few months a go we had a few days where we were alone together for long periods during the day so got chatting about each other’s lives and I opened up a little to her. Again, she seemed interested in what I had to say. She also has a rough time at home and opened up to me a little as well.

We got on well but found it hard to chat alone with other work colleagues around so she suggested we went for tea some time after work to have a good chat.

I think she originally suggested a date which was agreed but something came up her end and it didn’t go ahead. She then suggested a further date, but again, it didn’t go ahead. I also suggested further dates, to which she agreed, but again, either something came up or she just acted like nothin was agreed and never mentioned it.

I even said to her we’ll just leave it if you want as the moment has probably passed now (3 months a go it was first mentioned), but she insisted she still wanted to go for tea so we agreed another date. Again, she said she’d confirm and let me know, but nothing! Sometimes I messaged her a couple of days before to remind her to confirm with me, she said she would the next day, but no message came!

The latest occasion, I didn’t remind her to see if she remembered, but no message came to confirm. On the day we had verbally agreed to go out after work, during the day at work she didn’t mention it at all and barely spoke to me. It’s just always like we never had the conversation?

Ive said on numerous occasions it’s totally fine if you’ve changed your mind so I don’t understand why she insists she still wants to but then blanks me after we’ve agreed a date.

We are both in unhappy relationships with kids but this has only ever been a friendship with nothing else on the cards as far as I’m concerned.

Ami right to feel abit messed around? I guess I should just leave it and forget about it? I do value her friendship but feel a little let down. I’m a very private person so it would be nice to have her as a friend to chat to as I don’t really trust anyone else to open up to when I’m feeling down but she’s making it impossible and I don’t understand why.

OP posts:
Thehop · 05/12/2019 05:52

That’s really odd but try to ignore it.

Mid and smile when she suggests plans with a “sounds lovely let me know!”

I’m sorry you feel let down. She sounds like she likes you but either is rude, nervous or flaky. Maybe something going on at home?

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 05/12/2019 05:55

My first thought too was that perhaps something's going on at home. Or maybe money is an issue.

Must be hard for you though OP, it's not nice to feel like you're being messed about.

MaleGuy · 05/12/2019 05:57

She is only with her bf because of the kids as far as I understand, I know him a little and wouldn’t be surprised if he’s making life hard for her. She’s recently said she wants to get out more as she feels she’s just a mum and a cleaner at home so seems weird how she doesn’t go through with it.

She’s good to me for the most part so want to give some of it back.

OP posts:
Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 05/12/2019 06:01

Aw, perhaps he's making it difficult for her. If that's the case then she likely feels awful for letting you down too. Would you be able to do lunch together on a work day instead? She may then open up to you. Sounds like you're both so lovely and could be a wonderful friendship.

MaleGuy · 05/12/2019 06:02

It’s also hard when I see her every day. I never know if to mention it or not, I don’t want to come across as pestering her. I also feel like she talks to everyone else in the office more than me these days.

She used to ask how I was doing if we were alone briefly but now she never does, she doesn’t say a word to me.

OP posts:
MaleGuy · 05/12/2019 06:03

We can’t do lunch, we all eat in the office.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 05/12/2019 06:07

In one way she might want to meet up, but then, if she is really self aware, she may recognise that she is vulnerable and at risk of an emotional affair, at the least.

That and the trouble it would cause if you were seen together.

It sounds as though she does want you as a friend.

Are you in a relationship? She might be wary of inviting trouble that she doesn't need.

Ponoka7 · 05/12/2019 06:08

X post, she might be also regretting opening up so much. When she has to face you every day.

PhilCornwall1 · 05/12/2019 06:21

I wouldn't even engage about it anymore. If one or both of you (she obviously does) have a partner, it's potentially a problem waiting to happen.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/12/2019 06:54

I'd also think she's worried about entering emotional affair territory.

How would she explain to her boyfriend that she's going out with a man alone after work because he has a shit home life too?

Could her situation have improved meaning she now thinks it's inappropriate where she didn't think so before?

Landlubber2019 · 05/12/2019 07:12

I think you need to stop mentioning meeting up, I have make friends but I wouldn't meet them alone in an evening no matter how much we got along or how innocent it was. Nor would I be happy for my dh to meet a female friend alone. It's not about trust, it's about giving a message to the other person that you are emotionally available.

MaleGuy · 05/12/2019 10:39

I guess I’m mostly wondering why she claims she wants to and then blanks me when we agree a date. In a friendly way I have said it’s fine to leave it. Just feels a bit unfair on me to leave me hanging every time.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/12/2019 11:03

@MaleGuy she probably does want to but just can't

As a friend just let her know you're there for her if she needs you and don't mention the meal again.

As we've already suggested, she might be scared of crossing boundaries into EA territory.

Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 05/12/2019 11:34

Eek - I answered earlier and assumed you were female OP! I'm sorry, I didn't even read your name which is a dead giveaway!!!!

I agree with the others saying perhaps she does want to meet but is worried about emotional affair. Or maybe her husband/partner would have an issue with this. I know if my DH were to start socialising with a female colleague, I'd perhaps be suspicious.

I've had male colleagues say to me "we should have lunch" or coffee. I always say yeah great, but out of politeness with no intention of ever meeting them outside of work hours, because I feel it would be disrespectful to my DH... Well disrespectful is probably the wrong word, but I wouldn't want him meeting a colleague of the opposite sex outside of work hours so I don't do it either. I probably should just say to the male colleagues who have asked that no, it's not appropriate, however I always find when I've said no in the past, I've been questioned why isn't it? Or told "it's just an innocent coffee" like my reasoning isn't justified. Though, I've never had anyone keep asking me over and over. You could be making it awkward. I could be wrong. However, I recommend you continue your professional friendship at work and stop asking about meeting. If she wants to then she will make the arrangements or organise it herself. But I think the more you ask or say "if you don't want to that's fine", the more awkward you will make things. You've said she's backed off and talks to other colleagues more than you now, so I'm assuming she is likely avoiding you as you ask a lot.

MiniEggAddiction · 05/12/2019 11:35

It's quite odd behaviour. It may be she wants to in theory but just can't bring herself to open up again when the moment comes.

MaleGuy · 05/12/2019 11:58

She’s asked more than me probably so I don’t think I’m making it awkward by asking. She asks me unprovoked as well so seems odd she doesn’t go through with it.

OP posts:
Hellofromtheotherside2020 · 05/12/2019 12:06

Well in that case it does seem odd if she's asked you frequently too. Either way, it must be horrible for you just being let down without an explanation and for her to just get on with things like any arrangements were never made. Not sure what her issue could be, seems odd hey.

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