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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Empathy - Can anyone truely empathise with someone if they haven't had the same experience?

16 replies

Janebeth60 · 04/12/2019 18:23

Can anyone truely empathise with someone if they haven't had the same experience? I lost one of my Sons some years ago now and I feel the only people who truely get me are other Parents who have lost their kids. I managed to carrying on for 11 years before I had a breakdown and had to stop working. My Son said to me recently "Its not what happens to you but how you cope with it" Its made me feel like I have failed.

OP posts:

churchandstate · 04/12/2019 18:28

I am terribly sorry for your loss.

The nature of empathy is that it is impossible to know whether we are actually doing it or not. We can only try, and some of us seem to be better at it than others. Shared experience is one way of creating that empathy, but imaginative thought is another way; a person might not know how feel exactly, but they can begin to approach it by imagining how they might feel in your shoes.

Your DS is young and probably needs more life experience before he can start to empathise with you.

myduckiscooked · 04/12/2019 18:31

Definitely empathy is thin on the ground and I think that you are probably right saying people don’t understand unless the have walked a mile in your shoes.

Its not what happens to you but how you cope with

That was very dismissive and undermining to say to you about what you have been though.

I do think as adults we do have to do whatever it takes to recover from our pasts but recovery does not mean we will be perfect people for evermore. Struggling is a part of life and means we will all go through highs and lows especially given the scale of what you have been through.

to you.

Fightingmycorner2019 · 04/12/2019 18:34

No one and I mean No one can empathise with a loss as great as yours

The only thing people do is be kind and ackowledge they don’t have a clue (assuming they don’t )

I Susoect your sons comment stings as you would expect such trite waffle (sorry !) from somebody who has been in the trenches with you so go speak

I am sorry for your awful awful loss OP

Original poster

Janebeth60 · 04/12/2019 18:35

He is 35... not son young

OP posts:

5zeds · 04/12/2019 18:35

I think empathy is people guessing how they’d feel if they were you, not having experienced exactly the same thing. Your son sounds very young. You probably remember being able to feel like that. Life changes everything though and it sounds like you’ve had a very hard path to travel.

Original poster

Janebeth60 · 04/12/2019 18:36

sorry not SO young

OP posts:

Sparklesocks · 04/12/2019 18:36

I’m so sorry for your loss

I agree that unless someone has been through what you have they won’t fully understand. But I do believe they can feel empathy and love for you, and the idea of your loss and the impact. It might be that they don’t fully comprehend the magnitude of it, but they feel deeply for you.

More generally, I also think it depends on the person. Some people really struggle with the idea of viewing the world through someone else’s eyes and what it may look like for them, whereas others have a better sense of understanding why people think and feel the way they do even if they themselves do not have that experience. Other people don’t want to allow themselves to feel, because they are afraid of the vulnerability it will expose them to.

ChocolateRaisin · 04/12/2019 18:38

As a parent, I honestly couldn’t think of anything worse than losing a child. I don’t think I could grasp how awful it would be unless it happened though, I can only imagine.

I’m so sorry for your loss, your son doesn’t sound like he has been very kind. You haven’t failed.

churchandstate · 04/12/2019 18:39

Your DS may not be “young young” but how old was he when he lost his brother? You can be too young to really feel it, can’t you?

ShallICompareTheeToASummersDay · 04/12/2019 18:46

I am so sorry for your loss and what your son said was not kind.

However as much as he can’t empathise with you, can you empathise with someone who not only lost his brother but then some years later lost a part of his mum too? He may be hurting too

Majorcollywobble · 04/12/2019 18:46

What happened in your life is everything to do with it ! We all process our grief in our own way . I can’t imagine what it must be to lose a child . It’s the only true tragedy that has to be every parent’s It seems to
Me that you have coped exceptionally well . Maybe your son finds his position as surviving son sometimes a difficult one hence his comment which I’m sure he didn’t intend as hurtful ?
I’m so sorry you have had to go through this tragedy and I’m sure it never leaves you . I’ve never experienced anything so painful and send you a virtual hug x

Original poster

Janebeth60 · 04/12/2019 18:54

Thanks all for your posts. I found comfort in all of them.

I am going to remember this Myduckiscooked

"I do think as adults we do have to do whatever it takes to recover from our pasts but recovery does not mean we will be perfect people for evermore. Struggling is a part of life" We do and it is.

Thanks

OP posts:

MargieMo · 04/12/2019 18:56

I think they can empathise, mean well, etc. but I think they have not lived your experience so there is a gap in understanding. I've never experienced what you did, and can only imagine.

I've had bad things happen to me, and only others who lived through same/similar will understand (at least that's what I think).

You have not failed. You have been amazing.

Stickytoffeeprodding · 04/12/2019 19:04

I simply can't imagine the devastation of what you have been through. Nobody can unless they have been there.
When I worked as a midwife, I delivered a number of babies 'born sleeping'. Plenty of women can imagine how awful that must be, but unless they have experienced it, they really can't imagine the full horror. I think you have done brilliantly, even now it must take everything you have just through the day sometimes.

doadeer · 04/12/2019 19:08

So sorry for your loss, there are no words.

I don't think you can ever fully emphasise without experiencing. Since having a child myself my views on many things have changed. Or to take a different example, my DH is a different ethnicity to me and I can never fully emphasise with his experience though I feel I do understand it a lot more as time goes on.

Sometimes we can never know how we would feel in a situation and we don't always have a "rational" response. Emotion is so multi layered.

Hecateh · 04/12/2019 20:27

No one can fully empathise with anyone else.

No matter how similar the situation everyone experiences it differently.

Few things annoy me more than someone saying 'I know just how you feel - the same thing happened to me'.

Sometimes people who have had a similar experience can be empathic and be with you in your pain. Others who have gone through a similar experience will say they understand and proceed to make it all about them.

EG on this forum the number of people that say 'Oh the same thing happened to me; this will happen next; you must do ... .' 'Oh you haven't done ... , how stupid are you, you are fooling yourself, etc etc.' Not much empathy there.

An empathic person isn't interested in whether they have had a similar experience. They accept that they can only imagine how you feel and they are there for you to tell them, they don't tell you what you should do, they don't criticise what you do do. They are just there for you. If they feel you are hurting yourself with what you are doing/believing they may ask questions to help you think through; they may offer suggestions, whilst totally accepting your right to not do it 'their' way.

I believe that someone who has gone through something similar and is also empathic can show the most understanding but an empathic person who hasn't can be more understanding than someone who has but believes that their own reaction is the only valid one.

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