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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How would you discipline your 3 and 4 year old for this behaviour?

52 replies

Hadtonamechangeforthis123 · 04/12/2019 18:11

Today they have done the following....

Locked themselves in the bathroom and flooded the bathroom floor then put a big towel and loads of toilet paper in it. Apparently they were trying to clean it up but I'm not convinced.

They've taken the two newly bought pieces of tinsel and shredded them all over the room.

They had rice with their dinner and whilst I was seeing to baby they've said they've eaten it and showed me their plates, I then find the floor is covered with it. They decided to eat it with their hands like animals apparently.

Nothing seems to have any impact on them - nothing! They will say they're sorry and they won't do it again and then seconds later they're giggling together.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 04/12/2019 18:46

They do need close supervision st this age, they will occupy themselves if left to it.

I know it's hard with a baby, but kids this age should not b able to lock themselves in th bathroom that's very dangerous.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 04/12/2019 18:48

Natural consequences/damage limitation!

Start by separating them as kids definitely egg each other on. My son & his cousin (both 3) are reasonably behaved on their own, put them together & the shit they come up with is seriously creative.

Eg eat at opposite ends of table.

Clean up any mess made.

Food all over floor at dinner = no pudding.

At this time of year i definitely use Father Chrisymas as a threat

Bluntness100 · 04/12/2019 18:51

Start by separating them as kids definitely egg each other on

This doesn't work if they are unsupervised to the extent they can lock themselves in the bathroom, make a mess, then try to tidy it up.

I also don't think unsupervised children this age should be punished. You leave them to it, uou should be just glad they are unharmed at the end of it.

Mishappening · 04/12/2019 18:53

but then again our children don’t behave that way - definitely time for a finger-down-throat emoji.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 04/12/2019 18:54

I imagine you're tearing your hair out although now mine are teens I found it slightly amusing

As others have said, they clean up their own mess and whatever time that takes means less of whatever you were supposed to be doing. Can you plan a small activity later in the day that they will soon learn they won't get if they misbehave? (Just simple things like a game, watching a certain show, decorate a rich tea biscuit with icing etc)

HaileySherman · 04/12/2019 18:59

Had to chime in with my sympathies! I had 2 that were a few days over a year apart....couldn't turn my back for a second.....smashed eggs, squirted jam, cut hair, smeared poop (as babies), etc. Etc
Etc. It's hard at the time but makes for good storytelling later on. Don't expect perfection from yourself, it's like trying to staple jello to a tree.

Emeraldshamrock · 04/12/2019 19:04

Just keep telling yourself it will pass. My DS is 4 if he had a partner in crime I'd be running for the hills.

ToTheRegimentIWishIWasThere · 04/12/2019 19:04

Locked themselves in the bathroom and flooded the bathroom floor then put a big towel and loads of toilet paper in it. Apparently they were trying to clean it up but I'm not convinced.
Let them know I was deeply displeased, there would have been a raised voice (not shouting, but dismayed louder than normal).

They've taken the two newly bought pieces of tinsel and shredded them all over the room.
They clean it up. If destructive behaviour is usual then they go on the naughty step then they help clean it up.

My DS is literally just three and I wouldn't accept that as "oh that's just what kids do" behaviour. Its not, it's destructive and badly behaved. I am in no way a perfect parent and my DS can be a little sod . What are your undesirable behaviour consequences?

CherryPavlova · 04/12/2019 19:16

Sounds like sibling rivalry and attention seeking behaviour to me.
Avoid becoming punitive but start doing preventative work.

Move bathroom lock to a bolt they can’t reach. I’d think most four year olds shouldn’t be in a bathroom with the door locked generally. Know when they’ve gone to the lavatory and intervene if it’s too long.

Sit with them whether eat.

Don’t put tinsel where they can reach it.

Start finding the positives. Reward frequently. Catch them being good.
Make sure they have cuddly story time.
Don’t expect them to self entertain for too long.

Emeraldshamrock · 04/12/2019 19:18

Watch a few Super Nanny clips on YouTube reward good behaviour.
Remove the lock from the bathroom door if one of them slipped on the wet floor against a ceramic tile or toilet they'd be split open.

JennyBlueWren · 04/12/2019 19:20

My current consequences for my 4 year old are him helping to clean up the mess and in the case of the tinsel the absence of the tinsel (for a bit until I decided I wanted more tinsel anyway). We had a stand off over cleaning up spilt paint (possibly on purpose) yesterday. Part of the consequence was his paints going in the cupboard if he didn't help to clean up.

mathanxiety · 04/12/2019 19:24

I agree they should do all the cleanup matter how long it takes them. A huge mess like that should have natural consequences. I would speak very sternly to them. Insist on a sincere Sorry from both of them and then reconnect with a hug (don't go overboard with the hug - they need to stew for a while).

Disable the lower lock and install a high one on the bathroom door. Make sure there is nothing they can use to reach the higher lock.

I would also do a pep talk for the foreseeable future every time I had to take my eyes off them, reminding them of the behaviour expected. Thank them for good behaviour.

You're going to have to turn into boring, strict mummy for a while until the tendency to wildness is knocked back. Don't let them get away with anything.

As an aside, make sure your front and back doors are completely locked and they can't let themselves out.

Children of 3-4 are capable of planning and carrying out almost any crazy thing. They have no common sense and you can assume nothing about their safety when your back is turned.

Isithometimeyet0987 · 04/12/2019 19:30

If dd (4) makes a mess like that with the rice she is made to clean it up as punishment, she’s hates having to do this so it works. For bad behaviour I use the naughty step (I know some people don’t like this but it works, my mum used it and it worked) or if nothing else works take away one toy and set it on the fridge and she has to earn it back (only had to do this once). Atm the Santa camera (99p) is working brilliantly I have 3, one in the playroom, her bedroom and the living room where she spends the most time. Do you think I could get away with leaving them up all year? 😂

takeittogo · 04/12/2019 19:37

I don’t think it’s that at all cherry

This is how kids learn about the world, although it’s infuriating. But children as young as these don’t understand mess, or that someone has to clean it up.

The water for example - many kids become interested in water and liquid. Mine used to pour her drink onto the floor and obviously you say not to do it but from a very young child’s point of view, they learn carpet absorbs while concrete splashes, they learn about staining, drying ... it’s not something they are born knowing, it really isn’t.

I’m not saying OP shouldn’t roll her eyes to the ceiling and take a swig of gin but I wouldn’t punish. Just tell them firmly not to do it and find an alternative.

CherryPavlova · 04/12/2019 20:22

takeittogo I’ll disagree and say by four children should know full well they don’t drop rice all over the floor. They know the difference between a bit of water play and blocking lavatories.
They shouldn’t be unsupervised to the extent they can destroy things.
I wouldn’t punish much either. I’d let them know it’s wrong. I’d also look at why they had opportunity to be destructive.

BlackeyedSusan · 04/12/2019 20:35

They make a mess, they clean up. Natural consequences.

Using the towel and loo roll to mop up was sensible if you are three or four. At least they tried.

Three year olds lie. Developmental stage. Even though the lie is obvious.

Jenpop234 · 04/12/2019 21:39

At 3 and 4 they are old enough to know that they shouldn't throw their dinner on the floor or flood the bathroom. Natural consequences would be best in these cases and are most effective. If a 4 year old at my school made a mess, they would be expected to tidy it up.
There is no evidence that time out is harmful and it can be very effective if used sparingly but in this case a consequence related to their actions would be most appropriate.
Sit them both down, agree on the household rules together, display them on the wall/ fridge so that when you need to give a consequence they can be referred to e.g. our rule says to keep the house tidy, as a consequence for throwing your dinner on the floor, you will both have to clean it up properly, I'll help you.
If they refuse to accept that consequence, then use a time out.
As others have said, give lots of specific praise for mundane things like 'well done, you are keeping your food on the table today'. X

littlemeitslyn · 04/12/2019 21:53

What is a 'fucking ' toilet?! Where can I buy one?

HairyToity · 04/12/2019 22:01

The only thing I found ever worked was taking away screen time.

Blippolbblopp · 04/12/2019 22:04

Following with interest, i have a 4 year old and 3 year old and they are so lovely apart, together it is very hard work lately,

With DD4 she is old enough to know to clean up her mess and DS3 just doesnt listen. He just laughs at me and runs off and then DD starts laughing. The corner works with DD but not DS, its a difficult but fun age range isnt it

HalyardHitch · 04/12/2019 22:07

My child is very nearly three and wouldn't know that "you don't flood a bathroom"

In reality I'd probably get cross with them but in an ideal world they probably need some attention and stimulation.

Dont fret, op. I have a 12 month age gap and it's bloody tough - and I don't have a baby also. Have a cup of tea when you can and remember you're doing the best you can and kids are mischievous little critters

Ellisandra · 04/12/2019 22:47

They sound like they’ve been having great fun!
No malice in any of it - they’ve just been left unsupervised for too long each time.
I would review where they are - if you need to be out of the room with baby, they need to have jobs to do in that room.

Why don’t you believe that they were trying to clear up the bathroom water? Towel and issues - sounds like they were. I’d have helped them clear it, and explained that the bathroom was out of bounds for all playing. I’d have told them the damage the flooding could do.

Doesn’t sound like they’d slyly dumped all their rice on the floor either. But as they said, been messing about like animals and that hot messy! I’d have got them to clear it themselves - but not as a punishment. I’d have asked them what animals they were. But I’d have pointed out that they’d made a mess, and needed to tell me when they wanted to do animal eating, so I could be mummy dog / lion / aardvark and check my babies were learning to eat properly, just like I did with them when they were human babies.

I’m not sure about the tinsel - you say shredding it... deliberately destroying it, or getting excited playing with it and it cane apart? I’m not sure how you shred tinsel. They are 3 and 4 - you were asking for trouble leaving them unsupervised with shiny Xmas things!

It doesn’t sound like they set out to be bad at all. Most kids that age don’t. I’d have been getting them to clear up, and explaining why their actions had been a problem.

All that is on a good day. On a bad day I might think “you little fuckers!” and send them to bed early

They sounds like they were just entertaining themselves.

HalyardHitch · 05/12/2019 22:10

My afternoon with my nearly three year old...

He told me "I done good pouring"

How would you discipline your 3 and 4 year old for this behaviour?

Dandelion1993 · 05/12/2019 22:14

I'd have given them dinner then straight to bed. No fun no nothing just straight there.

Andysbestadventure · 05/12/2019 22:15

They're not being naughty though, they're just being 3 & 4. Make them help tidy up and explain why they have to clean up after a mess, and why it was dangerous to flood the bathroom (electrics underneath), but I wouldn't punish them for it. They're just being kids. At 7 or 8 I'd be more pissed off, but at 3 & 4, nope 🤷‍♀️

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