to be upset with the school?

[ThePolishWombat]

My 4yo started school in September. She’s made some lovely friends, and has been thoroughly enjoying it all up until the last 3ish weeks.
She comes out of school very quiet, with a vacant expression, won’t talk to me until she gets hone, and then gets upset and tells me that the same two children have hurt her at some point during the day.
Everything ranging from hair pulling to hitting with hands and now escalated to hitting with objects. I have spoken to the teacher about it twice already, but it would appear that was futile.
What do I do from here?! It’s very out of character for DD to be so visibly upset, and the physical marks being left on her are getting worse.
I’m drifting between being so upset that the class DD was so happy in a little while ago is now making her so sad, and being absolutely fucking raging that my child is being hurt repeatedly by some nasty little bugger

Escalate to the head teacher

You need to arrange a formal meeting with the teacher to see how they are protecting her from being hurt, they can't tell you about the other children, but they can tell you the measures they are taking to protect your child.

Email the headteacher. Keep it factual and to the point - DD has been getting hurt, class teacher is aware but behaviour is continuing, you want it dealt with.

Children do hit sometimes but the school clearly isn’t managing it properly. I think you need to ask for a meeting with the teacher and head of department/headmaster to discuss how they will be managing the hitters’ behaviour and hope they plan to teach your dd to cope with it and how you can help her at home.

You've spoken to the class teacher, now escalate it to the Head. Take photos of the marks on your dd, and keep it factual and precise.

Velveteenfruitbowl That’s what’s got me questioning I think - they are only 4, some kids are “hitters” and grow out of it. But the fact that it’s the same two kids consistently targeting my child has me fuming

Photo the marks. Write down with photos what's been happening so you can say it clearly.
Ask to see teacher. Make sure you are polite but assertive and clear, this is more than just general Reception boisterousness.

Also tell your DD she must tell a teacher / other adult straight away and she must call out really loudly at the time something like Stop that it hurts . (When I say must I mean be as clear as you can that it will help her.)

The teachers can't have eyes everywhere. It is much easier for them to sort it if they know about it instantaneously.

The first thing the HT would want to know is what does the CT know about what's been going on, so it depends how frequently/clearly you have raised this with CT before whether you should escalate straight to HT.

If this is happening in 'free play' e.g. break or lunch encourage her to stay within sight of supervising adult.

DS had this a couple of years ago from someone who just decided he wasn’t allowed to play with certain people anymore. He stopped playing with anyone at all and spent all his breaks sat on a bench to avoid making the other child angry.

I spoke to the teacher a couple of times and wasn’t happy that it was being resolved so made an appointment with the head. They asked me to put it all in writing for a paper trail, so you can pre empt that if you want, just keep to the facts, it is hard not to get emotional when you’re listing what someone has done to your child but stick to dates and exactly what happened, include photos of any marks if you can.

Good luck, I hope it gets resolved quickly and your dd gets to enjoy school again soon.

Waffle your poor DS

Get copies of all the relevant policies - complaints, safeguarding, discipline, anti-bullying - and arrange a meeting with the head to talk about what they are doing to put those polices into effect.

Yeah it was pretty hard seeing him upset and afraid to even talk to his friends, it did get sorted though and quite quickly. The other child was given jobs to do at break time for a while so ds could relax and just play, I didn’t know at the time but the school were already looking to have the other child moved so I suppose having this all in writing helped their case.

Oh yes, do look up their policy on bullying if you can and quote anything that you believe is relevant.

Roll play with her so you can show her how to react.
She gets to be the mean kid who hurts her and you are her. Show her what to say and how to react. Include being loud shouting at the mean kids and telling the teacher.
If it escalates more, and they become more physical I would tell her to hit back, not popular on MN but we all have different experiences and for my three just knowing they were allowed to stick up for themselves seemed to give them more confidence that bullies didn't bother with them well one did, only once, with the middle child but he saw him off

Troels I’ve just had the exact same conversation with DH.
If talking to the class teacher again doesn’t resolve it, I will of course bring it to the head’s attention. But I’m also in two minds about whether to tell her to fight back!! I’ve always told her that it’s never ok to start a fight, but she can finish one if she needs to....but I think she might be scared this time. To be fair to her, my DD is on the petite side (still in size 3-4 clothes), and one of the girls hurting her is huge compared to the other kids in the class - which might be part of the reason she throws her weight around? She realises she’s bigger and stronger than the others?! I don’t know. But after discussing with a friend who’s kid is also in the class, it’s come to my attention that the mother of one of the offenders is a notorious piece of work ie swearing loudly in the playground, swearing directly at her DCs, lots of shouting etc Not that it excuses the behaviour, but maybe that’s just what the child has got used to seeing/hearing at home?!