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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To help but to feel bad for my DP

19 replies

Youngmamaa2 · 04/12/2019 15:50

This is more of a rant then anything but I don't really have anyone I can't talk too.

Abit of back story, my DP has 5 siblings. 2 have been in and out of prison for violet crimes since they where 12, one sibling is a pot head & addicted to prescription drugs and lives with their mum.
his eldest brother has nothing to do with the family. He has a younger sister who I can't deal with.
MIL is a stoner also...yup 55 year old women who smokes weed all day everyday (also partial to cocaine on a Saturday). She works 2 hours a day.

OP posts:

Original poster

Youngmamaa2 · 04/12/2019 15:50

Sorry I didn't finish the post wait 2 minutes because it's long

OP posts:

Original poster

Youngmamaa2 · 04/12/2019 15:58

Anyway they're the type to put Coke (cola) in a 7month old baby bottle, been known to teach grandchildren to say "daddy is a dickhead" and taught their 2yo grandson to roll a cigarette.

My partner was kicked out at 17, we got a council property together and worked from then on. (Now currently private renting a property with our two children). He works extremely hard and has done the same job since he was 17 but worked for different companies.
He's currently just started on Monday working for one of the biggest companies in his industry.
But the golden child that lives with his mum who smokes weed all day, shes right proud of him and constantly talking about him. DP was talking about his job and his mum cut him off with "well golden child, blah blah blaaah"...he looked so devestated.

Not one member of his family asked how his first day went. All his mum cares about is how much he earns.."well because your earning that I was some gold rings for Christmas"...she was been deadass serious.

He's only 22 and it really gets to him.
His childhood was horrible, violence, etc .
I just want him to cut them off , they bring him down so much

OP posts:

QueenofPain · 04/12/2019 16:01

He needs to cut them off, but he needs to get to that decision on his own time frame.

All you can do is love and support him, be the safe haven that his family have never given him.

Merryoldgoat · 04/12/2019 16:05

He needs to come to the realisation himself that they’re no good - you can’t do it for him.

Waveysnail · 04/12/2019 16:07

He needs to follow his older brothers example

ILearnedItFromABook · 04/12/2019 16:08

They sound horrible, but (as I'm sure you know) he may not be ready to cut them out of his life yet-- if ever. Some people have a hard time letting go of family, even if objectively they know that it's doing them no good to see them.

He has you and your children, and it sounds like his life is going in a good direction. Maybe in time he'll decide on his own that his family bring him down and cut back on how often he sees them.

Original poster

Youngmamaa2 · 04/12/2019 16:10

It's like we go on a weekend and they're all stoned, there's weed all over the table and floor. They'll put chocolate on the table and expect my DS to eat the chocolate. Like wtf?
She's on holiday atm, she turned to DP and said "are you not proud of me for going on holiday"...but can't ask how his first day of work went

OP posts:

AloneLonelyLoner · 04/12/2019 16:10

As above this is something he'll only come to himself. My ex has an awful family and I had to learn not to say anything derogatory until he realised for himself.

This lot sound horrendous.

Original poster

Youngmamaa2 · 04/12/2019 16:10

It just bothers me so much to see him get so frustrated and upset by the lack of interest shown by any of them

OP posts:

SnuggyBuggy · 04/12/2019 16:24

You'd be better off without them. Hopefully for your family's sake he will reach that conclusion

DisplayPurposesOnly · 04/12/2019 16:38

He has amazing strength of mind to have avoided being sucked into that lifestyle and mindset.

Bloody brilliant. Congrats on the new job, I hope he enjoys it.

Hoppinggreen · 04/12/2019 16:47

I think you should actually be grateful for the lack of interest, do you really want the more involved in your lives?
Start building boundaries now in case you have children one day (unless you have already it’s not clear)
Well done to your OH for escaping his upbringing and for his fab new job

HollowTalk · 04/12/2019 16:50

He must be amazing to have resisted going down that road.

I don't think he should be buying her expensive Christmas presents - he has a family now and they take priority over his mum, given her track record.

bluejelly · 04/12/2019 16:51

They sound vile.
But you can't change other people, you can only change how you react to them.
The best thing you and your DP can do is live your best lives, for both of you.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/12/2019 16:52

They'll put chocolate on the table and expect my DS to eat the chocolate.

You're taking your DS into a house full of adults who do recreational drugs with 'weed all over the table and floor?"

Why on earth would you do that!? What if he grabs some and eats it?

Just start backing away and give your DP loads of support. Sounds like he's really made an effort not to go down that route.

ChristmasBaubles · 04/12/2019 17:25

He may not want to cut off his family, however much they hurt him, some people just can't cut the ties. But he may just have to accept the lack of praise or recognition for him doing well in life because it will probably never come. Keep contact but keep them in the background not a big part of your life.
You sound like you are proud of him, and he is hopefully proud of himself. You are both clearly good people and will do well in life regardless of his family or upbringing. Well done to him for his new job, and best wishes to you both for a happy life.

Original poster

Youngmamaa2 · 04/12/2019 17:30

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy I make them clean it up! And I wouldn't let him eat it obviously. But DP doesn't want to him to stop seeing them!

OP posts:

Jodie77 · 04/12/2019 17:45

I would put my foot down about him going to their house. If they want to see DS they can meet you at soft play/for a coffee/the park

MsRomanoff · 04/12/2019 17:52

Usually, if someone doesnt like their in laws I would say to step back and let him take the child to visit them.

But honestly, you need to stop going for a weekend with them. Stop seeing them completely. Would you let your ds be around a bunch of druggies, his dad wasnt related to.

Your partner has been abused and conditioned to want their approval. He needs help for that. But for the time being you need to step up and stop your son being around them

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