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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He's draining me

25 replies

Anxietysucks247 · 04/12/2019 09:56

Ex partner and father of my four children (we've been separated for six years but still get along) is dragging me down with his problems.

I know I shouldn't get involved, but I do care about him as he's the father of my children.
The last thing I want is to see him on the streets, which sadly is in danger of happening here.

He has a good job and works hard.
However, the minute his wages enter his bank, he blows the entire lot (and I mean to the point he has literally nothing) via online gambling.

He has recently moved out of his parents home (which is being sold) and has just begun renting a room from a private landlord.
his sister has helped him with the first month's rent but made it clear that she won't help him again (which I totally agree with).

I have made it clear to him that I will support him in any way I can, but NOT financially.
I have given him the details of self help groups and contact numbers.
I have offered to support him with a GP appointment (both of which he flat out refuses).
I have given him the details of the local foodbank (this he just sneers at saying he is "not going that low").
He constantly begs me for money (which I flat out refuse). I have a whopping mortgage (including the debts he incurred whilst he was living her and I was unaware of his gambling addiction at that point) and all my bills to pay. I have four children to feed and provide for (not to mention that Christmas is an expensive time of year).
He was previously letting me down with child maintenance (the csa are involved now and it's going directly from his wages).
He is too proud to use the foodbank, yet he has no shame in asking me for food.
I happily provide him with a hot meal when he sees the children, but I can't feed him constantly.
He shows no gratitude and just sees me as a food dispenser and cash machine (which I refuse to be).

I suffer from anxiety/ panic attacks and I just feel as though he is hanging over me like a dark oppressive cloud.
No matter how many times I tell him I am not in a position to help, he still keeps asking.

I do feel sorry for him, but at the same time I feel extremely frustrated.
It would honestly break my heart if he ended up homeless, but I have my own problems (aside from this) and I just don't know what to do.
It's tempting to just walk away from him, but that's easier said than done as he is my children's father.

Is there any way I can contact anyone on his behalf?

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/12/2019 10:05

Sorry, I know you think you're being supportive, but you're actually enabling him and you need to stop.

He has a gambling addiction. No amount of people trying to 'help him' will make the blindest bit of difference it he doesn't want to change himself. And it doesn't sound like he does.

Time for some tough love.

Is there any way I can contact anyone on his behalf?

Sorry, but he needs to do this. Yes, I know he's the father of your DC, but he's acting like another child.

DowntonCrabby · 04/12/2019 10:09

You need to step back from him for your own MH.

pooopypants · 04/12/2019 10:13

You're enabling his behaviour

He's "too proud to use a food bank" but not too proud to blow his entire wage and then beg you for food?

He needs to hit rock bottom, whatever his rock bottom is. Until he admits he has a problem, he won't change. You did the right thing by getting CMS involved because he still needs to provide for your children. Stay strong, you're looking after you and your DC, it's all about priorities and you have yours straight. You can't make your ex reevaluate his unless his wants to.

SweetAsSpice · 04/12/2019 10:17

Yes he needs to hit rock bottom. Which he will never do if you’re trying to make appointments for him, making him a hot meal when he comes round, engaging with him on this subject.

It’s incredibly hard, but you have to step back. Unless it is communication about the children you don’t want to know. Make that clear.

Your own mental health is suffering because of your ex. Change that today so that tomorrow is a better one.

TheFaerieQueene · 04/12/2019 10:24

I would step away for your and your children’s sake. As soon as they are old enough to have their own money he will be pushing them for hand outs too. I would cut all contact. His addiction isn’t something you want tainting you’re children’s lives for ever.

pumpkinpie01 · 04/12/2019 10:28

You are doing so much in the way of supporting him yet it seems he really does not want to help himself, as an addict that is the first step to sorting the problem out. I can see that you would not want him out on the streets as that would be upsetting for the children. Can you ask his sister to take him to a GA meeting ?

Mrsjayy · 04/12/2019 10:31

He is your ex you don't owe him anything he is inwardly sticking 2 fingers up at you he doesn't want your self help groups he wants you to prop him up he probably treats you like he used too when you were married stop trying to save him.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 04/12/2019 10:54

You're too nice, and to be honest, a mug.
He'll pull you and your kids down with him.
Is that what you want for your kids?
Be a martyr if you want, but why would you choose make your kids suffer?
The key word here is choose.

He's a cunt by the way.

Jeezoh · 04/12/2019 10:58

You’re propping him up and doing him no favours. You need to adopt a cruel to be kind mentality because until he realises he needs to change, he has no incentive to put any effort into supporting himself. He’s a grown man with employment, you’ve got 4 children you need to prioritise.

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 04/12/2019 11:32

Just because everyone is fed up with his problems and addictions doesnt mean he is.
Stop enabling him.
Cut all contact until he seeks help and is well OP.

flirtygirl · 04/12/2019 11:44

You are complicit in his behaviour and have been for years.

Stop telling yourself but he is the kids dad. So what? Is he acting like a good dad? Is he putting them first.

This has been going on a very long time, if you have been broken up so long but still paying debt from when you were together. Why?

Why? Even the hot meal. I'd say I can't as I'm paying your debt and feeding four kids.

Why are you letting him take from you emotionally? He is sucking you dry and he doesn't care if he destroys you. But you need to care for your children.

You absolutely are enabling him and you need to stop.

flirtygirl · 04/12/2019 11:45

And like others have said, he will not hit rock bottom and get help with you in the wings helping him.

thepeopleversuswork · 04/12/2019 12:18

You need to step away. I've been through this more or less exact scenario with my ExDH and the father of my DD -- in his case it was booze and depression and chronically bad financial management rather than gambling but the outcome was the same.

It's always a slippery slope from wanting to be supportive to bailing them out financially and getting mired in someone else's life admin. My ex still tries this now -- we've been separated five years, are nearly divorced and I'm in an established relationship with someone else but he still rings me often saying he is desperate and can I just help fill in such and such a form or provide a reference. It's not on, its about control and dependency as opposed to real need and you need to nip it in the bud now before it gets to this point.

I've basically said to him that if he's desperate and has literally nobody else to speak to and is suicidal he can call me but I won't provide help financial or otherwise and if he starts to ask for it I will just disconnect the call. Six years after separation is ample time to build a new support network or seek help from organisations etc. Its not your responsibility to be his mother or his counsellor ad infinitum and he will drag you down if you try to do so.

safariboot · 04/12/2019 12:34

You have to put you own health and that of your children first.

I think all you can do is encourage him to realise that he needs to seek professional treatment.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 04/12/2019 12:34

I'm a very long time sober alcoholic and was taught in rehab that essentially all addictions are the same. I got sober because I absolutely hated letting down the people I loved. My parents helped get me into rehab and DH was immensely supportive of the many AA meetings I attended for years afterwards but it was me who had to acknowledge the truth: that I was an alcoholic and had to be prepared to go to any lengths to get (and stay) sober.

But your Ex hasn't been brought to his senses by the suffering he's caused you, has he? Instead he's exploiting you, and it's damaging your MH.

Doing anything that supports his gambling is what is called "enabling". Far from helping him, it actively postpones his rock bottom.

It may be that becoming homeless is the only way he will finally understand the extent of his addiction. However some people never reach this point and he may just continue on his downward spiral.

I understand your reluctance to let him suffer but please read up on enabling and you will understand your part in this. It's not helping him and it's damaging you.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 04/12/2019 12:39

I can only echo pp and say you need to disengage.
And congrats to @prawnofthepatriarchy on your sobriety, it can't have been easy

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 04/12/2019 13:15

Thank you, ZigZagIntoTheBlue. Surprisingly it was easy once I fully understood - more than that, accepted at gut level - that I was an alcoholic. That's the first 3 steps of AA's 12 Step Programme. Once I'd reached this point I got stuck in and worked the rest of the steps as hard and thoroughly as I could.

Just as AA promised, the desire to drink was lifted from me. It was amazing. Almost magical. I'm still so grateful. The 12 Step Programme isn't just for alcoholism. It covers all addictions.

messolini9 · 04/12/2019 13:38

Even the hot meal. I'd say I can't as I'm paying your debt and feeding four kids.

FFS - this, OP!
It's time to lose the sympathy you have with him for being your kids' dad. He's not much of a dad is he? - as he'd rather blow his money on gambling than contribute to their needs.
Any dad who needs an attachment to his earnings because he won't voluntarily pay to feed & house his children is not worth your sympathy, your understanding, or your hot meals.

Stop enabling him.
If you put half the energy you are wasting on him into your own wellbeing, you'll be a much happier person.
Truly - they don't need a gambling addict to feature this large in their lives, & as pp mentioned above, once they are grown & earning he'll be giving them his sob-story & tapping them too.

messolini9 · 04/12/2019 13:42

@Prawnofthepatriarchy - I have long admired your user name ... & now your back-story. Bloody well done you.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 04/12/2019 16:29

What a lovely thing to say, messolini9. I did an AMA when I was 30 years sober back in April if you're interested.

User342109097569098 · 04/12/2019 16:56

For the good of your children and your own mental health you need to go low contact with him and maybe talk through a trusted family member. It’s not going to be easy but it’s for your own good and the good of your children

messolini9 · 04/12/2019 17:07

Thank you @Prawnofthepatriarchy & congratulations on 30 years, that is a massive achievement :)

Actionhasmagic · 04/12/2019 17:10

This is an illness and nothing will get better until he admits it so his family should work hard on getting him some help.

friedbeansandcheese · 04/12/2019 17:31

He shows no gratitude and just sees me as a food dispenser and cash machine (which I refuse to be).

He's addicted to gambling. That means he puts it above everything and everyone.

You can't help him or change him - HE has to do that. You're enabling him. I'd tell him once and for all that you will not give him money or food or anything else again and he's on his own. It will be hard but blimey, you're a single mum, you have a lot else going on, you are not responsible for him!

cheesydoesit · 04/12/2019 17:49

You won't be 'just walking away' though. It will be an act of self preservation.

From what you have written I am assuming he doesn't have the kids at his place, just comes round to yours to scrounge a meal when he sees them. My sister's ex was like this, not a gambling addict but just bloody useless and she would pack her kids off with food whenever they went to their dads and even paid his heating bill so they wouldn't be cold. Ridiculous.

He's making you feel like shit and you don't deserve to have to deal with his nonsense. Just know that YANBU.

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