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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel so guilty about dcat

23 replies

leafyygreens · 04/12/2019 09:36

I’ve had my darling rescue cat for 2 years. Her first owners kept her as a house cat so I was really worried about letting her go outside as she wouldn’t be used to cars etc.

Despite this she kept asking to be let out and when I did she really loved the outside 😔 so in the end me and my partner decided we wouldn’t have a catflap but would let her out in the daytime when we were at home so we would keep an eye on her. Her first owners kept her inside in not nice conditions (getting her pregnant from v young age and selling the kittens) so I wanted to try and let her be as happy as possible.

Yesterday I let her out and she never came home. She’d been hit by a car and it’s all my fault- I knew it was a risk but I let her out anyway 😔 I can’t stop crying and feel like the worst owner in the world. I was supposed to keep her safe after a bad start in life.

OP posts:

Original poster

leafyygreens · 04/12/2019 09:38

I can’t stop reliving the moment I found her and the driver. I feel awful, she was a young girl and absolutely devastated

OP posts:

busybarbara · 04/12/2019 09:40

Everything’s a risk. It sounds like she had a great two years with you. Some cats hate the outdoors and some love it. If you let her enjoy something special for two years that’s no bad thing. It’s sad she met a premature end but you did your best for her and keeping her couped up would not really have improved her life even if it prolonged it.

Shahlalala · 04/12/2019 09:41

Don’t beat yourself up.
She had a wonderful two years and you were trying to improve her quality of life. My cat would tear the place down if we didn’t let him out, he would be miserable. There is always a risk of they go outside.
It’s not your fault.

EL8888 · 04/12/2019 09:42

So sorry to hear this. You gave her a lovely life which lm sure she appreciated. It’s hard as they love to go outside smelling things and exploring

TopOftheNaughtyList · 04/12/2019 09:44

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss OP, and the circumstances are tragic. You must be in so much pain at the moment. However, don't compound that pain with guilt. This is not your fault and could have happened (and does happen) to any cat, even those who are very street wise. Your Dcat did not want to be cooped up inside and you gave her freedom which she most likely loved. I'm sure the past 2 years with you was the happiest she's been if her previous life was being shut indoors and used as a breeding machine. It's extremely sad that her life has been cut short, but try to focus on the happy times you've given her over the past 2 years. Big hugs to you .

Beamur · 04/12/2019 09:45

I'm sorry this happened to you and your cat, it worries me too, but I let my cats out.
But, you allowed your cat to have a free and enriched life by going outside, it's very sad it ended this way.

Sparklfairy · 04/12/2019 09:47

OP I know the guilt must be awful but please be kind to yourself. She loved being outside. She was happier to have the chance to go outside than being kept in. You gave her an amazing life and this absolutely was not your fault

AlexaShutUp · 04/12/2019 09:49

That's so sad, OP.

Please don't feel bad though. Your dcat had made it clear that she didn't want to be a house cat. Yes, she might have been safer inside, but it would have been wrong to keep her caged up inside when she longed to go out and explore the world. What kind of life would that have been anyway? You did the right thing for the right reasons. I'm so sorry that it didn't work out.

I'm sure that your cat was very happy over the two years that she spent with you.You sound like a lovely, caring owner.

Kaleidoscope93 · 04/12/2019 09:50

I'm so sorry to hear about your lovely cat. Unfortunately it's the risk that's run with having an outdoor cat. I'd had mine for 6 years and she was my best mate, and had always been an outdoor cat. We live on a converted farm where we have a private drive, nowhere near the main road and she got run over by one of our neighbours. I was devastated so know how you feel, but please don't blame yourself

Lindy2 · 04/12/2019 09:50

She had a wonderful 2 years with you.
Being outside made her happy. Something she had almost certainly not been before she came to live with you.
I'm so sorry for your loss though. I worry about my rescue when she's outside too. She loves going out though so I know that is the right thing to do despite the risk.

RonniePickering · 04/12/2019 09:51

Aww that's awful, and not your fault. I'm so sorry

raspberryk · 04/12/2019 09:51

Cats want to be allowed outside and for me cats kept inside is not the quality of like a cat wants. A shorter more fulfilled life is better than a long boring one.
It's sad but it's the risk of cat ownership, and it isn't your fault it's unfortunately cat behaviour and the environment they roam that gets them run over.
I would never keep a cat indoors purely because of the risk of vehicles.

OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg · 04/12/2019 09:53

Try not to feel guilty OP. Some cats are happy as house cats and some aren't. Yours wasn't, so you did the right thing in indulging her need to roam. Two happy years are better than ten miserable ones.

Thescrewinthetuna · 04/12/2019 09:54

It’s so sad, I’m so sorry OP. It is a risk but I feel like quality of life for pets is so very important - she wanted to go out, cats generally love going out. If you’d kept her in when she wanted to go outdoors she wouldn’t have had such a good life. You love her and were doing the best for her. Be kind to yourself.

Lolacat1234 · 04/12/2019 09:56

Try not to feel too guilty. I've had lots of cats throughout my life, some got hit by cars, some disappeared without a trace, some got ill and some lived to a ripe old age and died in their sleep. It's a risk you take when you have an outside cat that they will come to some harm. Some are roamers and even if you live in a peaceful road they will stray so far and get hurt. I have a cat now that my other half was desperate to keep as an indoor cat but he finally relented when he saw how much she wanted to be outside, she would bolt for the door every time it opened. She will thank you for giving her an enriched outdoor life that ended sadly rather than keeping her indoors if she didn't want to be there even though it's safer xx

AlexaShutUp · 04/12/2019 10:01

It's a bit like being a parent, OP. I have to let my teenage daughter have an increasing amount of freedom and independence. There is always a degree of risk in this, and I do worry, but I would be a shit parent if I didn't let her grow up in a normal way.

It would have been wrong for you to cage your cat. The risk was unavoidable.

liviadrusilla · 04/12/2019 10:10

I am so sorry. I have lost two cats to car accidents and I felt the terrible guilt and regret too, but logically I know that they really enjoyed going outside and would have missed out hugely by staying in. You gave her a lovely life x

Stuffingandsprouts · 04/12/2019 10:17

so sorry.

My adorable 2 year old cat was hit by a car and killed in April. DC wanted him to be an indoor cat and said he wouldn’t have been killed if we had kept him in but, he wanted to go out. He loved chasing bugs, lazing in the sun, prowling through the bushes so it would have been cruel to keep him in.

You are not the worst owner in the world, you gave her a happy 2 years after her awful start. She was loved, cared for and was allowed to feel the sun on her fur and grass under her paws. It is very sad she has gone but you gave her a good life.

NiteFlights · 04/12/2019 10:18

You poor thing. I have a rescue cat and I worry so much about him - before I got him I had all kinds of ideas about how to keep him ‘safe’ but I understand now that to be happy he needs to be able to come and go, and I can’t keep him in prison to make myself feel better! You gave your cat a happy life with freedom and as much safety as you reasonably and possibly could. What happened was an accident. Please don’t blame yourself.

theemmadilemma · 04/12/2019 10:42

Don't feel guilty, you gave her the chance to enjoy the freedom of outside which is what cats love. She got to play and jump and hunt and have freedom and fresh air.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 04/12/2019 10:50

You gave her quality of life as best you could, and she enjoyed her life with you. Please don't blame yourself. Personally I really don't like the idea of 'indoor' cats - I think it's awful to keep them permanently cooped up inside.

When we lived in the Middle East my then young dds found a kitten (there were lots of semi-feral cats about) in a truly dreadful state. She was incredibly thin and her paws were bleeding as if she'd been trapped somewhere and scrabbling to get out.

TBH I didn't think she'd even last the night, but she did. Next day I took her to the vet, a lovely Egyptian chap who said he'd never seen such an emaciated cat and advised putting her to sleep. But I couldn't, since dds were waiting outside and would have been devastated.

He gave her vitamin shots etc. and she slowly recovered, seemed very contented and enjoyed cuddles.

However we had to,return to the UK a few months later, and it was out of the question to leave her behind. So we spent a fortune on flying her back and 6 months' quarantine. She came out of there sleek and glossy - though her front legs were always stiff, presumably because of early malnutrition.

She settled very well with us again, and since our house is quite a way from a busy road, I had no qualms about letting her out.

But she lasted just 2 months before being hit by a car.

It was awful, esp. for dds, but OTOH she'd used up most of her 9 lives already and would certainly have died if dds hadn't found her and we'd taken her in. So I couldn't feel guilty about it.

ibdcanfeckoff · 04/12/2019 10:55

recklessruby · 04/12/2019 10:57

OP I could have written your post 2 years ago.
I too rescued a cat that had a bad life being neglected and allowed to have 3 litters of kittens.
She was so thin i thought she was about a year old but she was actually 4.
We bonded straight away and she was my best friend throughout a really bad time for me mentally. We rescued each other.
But I knew she was used to going out and about and let her out happily for the 4 years i had her. We live on a housing estate with gardens but there is one road people speed down (my present cat just stays in the gardens thank goodness) and I lost my girl one night.
I blamed myself and was devastated but she would have been miserable inside as yours would have.
You were a good owner, you loved her, you gave her a lovely life.
We need to remember our cats with love and be grateful for the wonderful time we had with them.
My girl had 4 years with me and thoroughly enjoyed them just as yours did.
Our cats sound so alike. I bet they ve already met up over the rainbow bridge for a chat.

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