AIBU?
Ex MIL is toxic shit stirer
Sic99 · 03/12/2019 23:58
I need some advice about how to handle my toxic ex MIL. My ex and I split 1.5 years ago. Very messy and brutal. He is an alcoholic, couldn't hold down a job, drained me of every ounce of self worth and lived off me for 15 years. Boom. He inherits some money and then straight out of the door. On the night my dad was in hospital and we were all told to visit to say our last goodbyes. We have 2 DDs. And at first, he was crap and couldnt be arsed with them. To add insult to injury, at my lowest ebb he was laughing and taking piss out of me being a mess. Total narc. But now, is seeing them regularly and by all accounts being a decent dad. Felt bitter and angry for a year. And decided best approach was to totally blowtorch him, his family and mutual friends. It worked. Finally rebuilding myself. The problem is, my cunt of a MIL (who is v manipulative and toxic) continues to shit stir. To give an example, when my ex and I split, i wanted to delay telling my mum cos my dad was dying in hospital. Told this to my ex. Who told his mum and. You guessed it. She called my mum behind my back. Claiming it was in all our interests and for my own good. She also constantly encouraged my ex to drink even though he went to rehab not once. But twice. She denied he had a drink problem. [email protected]#$$???? My ex sees kids almost every day for school drop off (When not hungover and oversleeps). He doesn't do weekends cos we tried and he kept cancelling cos better offers kept coming his way. The girls sleepover mid week too. He stays in control of his drinking on those nights. I have said no to holidays though. Bitter experience. And even though he kicked off at first, he accepts it. The girls can see we dont talk and dislike each other. But I don't bad mouth him. And am positive about fun they have at his, presents he might get them etc. Confess I did bad mouth the first few months after split. But not now. The MIL is something else. She can't stop shit stirring. She knows the no holiday decision, but directly asks my DDs if they want to go on family holiday with her and the rest if family this summer. Now, i do bad mouth the MIL to girls. Tell them that granny is trying to cause arguments and to be careful not to listen to her. They know I don't trust her and can't stand her. I obv can't stop her seeing them. And tell them that their relationship is separate to mine with her. But i am definately painting a non neutral picture of her. Is that wrong? Not sure i am capable of anything else. I really loathe her. Have described tip of iceberg her. And I wish she'd hurry up and have a stroke.
Onacleardayyoucansee · 04/12/2019 00:33
MIL sounds like a Narc too.
Best thing is what you are doing, low/no contact.
Apologise to your children, tell them you shouldnt critucize anyone, but you find it hard to understand how others act sometimes.
Narcs truly live in another world.
The more you can detach the better for you all.
If you argue with them/criticize its granny and mummy arguing.
If you step back, it will be clearer that Granny is unpleasant.
Look for specialist resources from people who understand. Unless you have been Narc'd, you have no idea of the trauma.
lexiepuppy · 04/12/2019 09:27
I had a narcissistic ex Mil and they are a nightmare. Mine threatened to punch my son when he was 9 years old and was always a nasty, spiteful woman.
Personally I wouldn’t want the children seeing her and being indoctrinated by her.
She sounds like a toxic enabler with her son’s alcoholism, that is not the signs of a caring mother!
I would go grey rock or if you can NC with her.
Narcs damage lives, you are not dealing with a normal person.
Sic99 · 04/12/2019 11:28
Thank you all. These people are not like the rest of us. They don't think, feel or relate to people like others. Deathstare, the entire family are toxic. Which probably explains why my ex is such a disaster. I don't trust any of them with my kids. Put it this way. The brother in law is millionaire ( via tax avoidance schemes he designs) whose daughter (from wife number 1) self harms, been expelled from every school and has once even drunk bleach. He still palms her off on nanny when she comes to stay. So that he can play golf. The rest of family seems to think this is normal and ok. ( but they always have their begging bowls out for him to pay for fancy holidays, new cars etc.). I hate my girls being around that. But more to point. They won't stop my ex drinking to oblivion when his duty is to his kids.
RatherBeRiding · 04/12/2019 11:56
How old are the DDs? In your shoes I wouldn't bad-mouth as such but would explain in a way appropriate to their age that not all adults, including family members, can be trusted to behave well.
If you stick to the facts of your ex-MIL's behaviour, rather than her personality, then they will pretty soon start to work it out and see it for themselves.
Chociefish · 04/12/2019 11:57
Tough one op. My ex partners mother is a venomous snake. I fact that my ex pointed out to me after about a year of being together.
I too find it hard to keep a lid on my sentiments towards her. My eldest is nearly 10 and comes home with statements like 'mum, I don't think grandma likes you' and 'why doesn't grandma use your surname after my name?'
I've become skilled at biting my tongue knowing that my eldest can already see now that she's a witch.
However if you fear for your children's safety then surely you have some right to protect them and if this means blocking access then so be it.
lexiepuppy · 04/12/2019 18:05
@Sic99 My ex Mil was actually training to be a counsellor at the time she threatened to punch my son. My ex husband and I had gone to buy the children Christmas presents and when we arrived to pick them up all hell had broken loose! I never got to tell her what I thought of her! I was rushed out before I had a stand up row with her.
My children have not seen or heard from her since my ex and I split up, we are being given the narcissistic silent treatment. My children hate her anyway, they saw all the malicious stuff she did to me, them and my FIL. She is truly a vile human being and my ex narc husband was enmeshed with her!
So much dysfunction I could write a book!
Scary to think she could be counselling vulnerable people!!
I have thought about reporting her to BACP.
Once the divorce settlement is sorted I can’t decide whether to keep a dignified silence and not say anything to her, or to steam into her and let her know what a nasty piece of work she is, silence just enables her shitty behaviour to continue!
Maybe I’ll start a thread and get people to vote!
The only way to deal with narcissists is to go NC majority of the time.
Good luck!
Sic99 · 04/12/2019 20:21
I think you're lucky she is out of the picture. But terrifying that she might be counselling. I say bollocks to the dignified silence if getting things off your chest makes you feel better. When i did it (calm, brutal and factual), i felt a massive load off my shoulders. Elated in fact. For added oooph, i cc-ed a few choice family members. I know they are all in denial. So no illusions it changed anything. But when I needed a bit of a pick me up would re-read those emails. Would have been closure for me if only she would judt stop the shit stirring. I'd never heard of grey stoning. Revelation. It's my mantra now. Xx
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