AIBU FEEL LIKE MY MUM DOESNT REALLY LOVE ME

[LidiaM]

Hi, I wonder whats your opinion on me and my mum relationship.

ALERT. ITS A LONG ONE .
SORRY FOR ANY MISTAKES .

I used to be so close to my mum, we were like best mates untill I grown up and started college, met my first ex school boyfriends.
She never liked any of my boyfriends and would always made me feel shit, She always had to comment something rude about them even though they were allright.
I never been drinking, smoking, never been doing drugs and literally she never had anything to worry about me or my ex boyfriends.
I then turned 18 and met my husband who is an awesome guy btw, we have been together now for 6 years and been married for 3 years and have 1 baby girl.
I am so happy with him and that I have got my own little family.
My mum would never like him, she would always comment something rude to me when he wasnt araound, she would make fun of him despite me being next to her, I tried to talk to her and explain that I dont like it when she talks about him and that shes being rude .
My father really likes my husband and his nice to him but only when my mum isnt around because when she is then my dad changes his attitude right away.

My mum always makes fun of my husband because hes quite skinny (not very,very skinny) but a heatlhy looking and she believes that a real man should have big muscles, she also makes laugh of him for him liking kitchen equipments as she feels thats a bit gay thing to like and hes not a real man ! it sounds crazy to me but whatever !!!

my husband knows very well what my mum is like that and he still tries to be nice to her but is usually quite around her .

My mother was never happy with my life choices, she couldnt understand why I wanted to get married this young and why I have decided to have a baby at 23. She Thinks that I should have waited until Im at least 27.
She never told me shes proud of me, mainly because I didnt go to Uni as I did not want to, she always has to say something about my look, make rude comments about my decisions and is never happy when Im happy, I sometimes feel like shes in competition with me of whos got more money etc but how can you compare 2 different families ? She isnt rich nor my dad is, they are both in their 50s and just bought their first flat .
I am 24, married , happy , my husband and daughter is the best what happend to me and I cant understand why she is like that.

When I was engaged with my partner, he asked me to spend the new years eve with him at the spa, I was soo excited and we went for 2 nights .
My mother called me on the 1st of January and called me a Bitch because I prefered to spend time with my then fiance than with her and dad and my lil brother.
I was hurt.
I am hurting till this day because I love her so much, I always try to make myself look good to her.
I think my husband is an amazing guy, hes smart, doesnt drink, very polite, he works kis ass of as an engineer to provide for me and our baby, he is helping me around the house, hes such a good daddy , we have a house, car and live just a normail life and I dont need anything else but my mother makes me feel like a failure because Im not RICH. YEAAAA rich at 25 years old.

Whenever theres something that I bought , my mum would never complement on it to share enjoyment ,whatever I do diffrently she always thinks is wrong as its not what she would do ,
when something good happens she seems just a bit jelous ?? but can parents be jelous ??

I tried to explain to her that I am hurt , asked her why she woulnt tell me shes proud of me and guess what she said ?
she said that she has nothing to be proud of .
I asked her to be there for me when I give birth to my beautiful daughter and she rejected and told me that she wont be coming because she wants to come when the baby is born, clean without all the mess around.......

She wasnt happy when I announced that Im pregnant. She told me that parents are usually happy when their children are coming over for a dinner after being married for few years and they say they are pregnant. She basicly meant that me and my husband should of waited 2 years minimum after getting married to have a kid and I got pregnant 3 months after we got married...

I feel so guilty of what Im typing because she was a great mum and I believe she still is but those actions and her attitude sometimes makes me think if she is even aware that shes hurting me ?
She is quite a good nan to my daughter, she even made her an outfit and advent calendar herself, she sometimes takes care of her when I ask her .
She calls and check on me but I as I said .. I always get some negative vibes from her and she always needs to say something .
I feel like she should respect my husband and myself and it feels like she doesnt.
I wound never ever called her a Bitch or any other words like she did and I cant imagine ever calling my daughter that !!!!Ever !!!

I would have understand her being harsh If I was a bad daughter, sleeping with random guys and choosing them over my own family but hello ?? he was my fiance and I cant forget that, sometimes I feel like she digged a big hole in my heart and never apologized like she just doesnt care.

Why cant she be happy for me ??
Why doesnt she like my husband ?
Does she even love me still !!!!!

OP-It isn't you, it's her. Your DM may well love you, but love doesn't equate to treating you well or being a decent, mature human.

Also, it might help to remember that people are not either good or bad, great mothers or evil. Most of us are a mixture of light and shade. Acknowledging her flaws doesn't mean that the good bits weren't or aren't real. It's true too that some people are great at parenting children but not so hot at having a healthy relationship with an adult child.

Sadly your mother sounds a bit narcissistic she was happy whilst she could control you but now feels she has lost that control.
There is nothing you can do if this the case just be happy with your own little family if she can’t enjoy being part of the her problem not yours.

I don't have much experience with this, being fairly young myself, but do you have any siblings? To me it kind of sounds like she doesn't want you to grow up and have your own life etc because then you're not dependent on her.

That doesn't excuse her behaviour at all, but it may be a case of being negative about your decisions to make you feel like you don't know what you're doing and still need her around?

@CaseyLeigh23 I have 2 brothers. One is 16 and the other is 27.
She always treated my older brother better and I think it is because he was her first child after 2 missc.
She was always nicer to my brother since we were kids even though he gave my parents a very hard time. My mum was always nicer to my brothers ex wife and I felt that it was because she came from a very rich family , well. my brother is now divorced a year after they got married so abit savage to my parents who always thought that my brothers life is much more succesfull because of marrying a rich Spanish girl .
Keep in mind that they have bought their flat in another country to be there with my brother and his wife who now is his ex wife!!!!!

@Pixxie7 yes, sometimes I feel the same because she gets mad at me when I dont listen to her and like to do my own way especially when it comes to my child.

@Armadillostoes thank you for your comment, I am feeling better about myslef as I have felt terrible for posting something about my mum and I dont want people to think that shes a bad person.

Have you ever looked at the Stately Homes threads? I think it might shed some light on what’s happening.

Your mum sees you as an extension of herself rather than as a person in your own right. Your dad is enabling her, it sounds like she dominates the family and everyone refers to her moods.

You might get some useful information on the Out of The Fog website. FOG stands for fear, obligation and guilt, and it’s how most people in your situation feel most of the time.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s very difficult.

Defers not refers.

I’ll love you. I think you’re pretty amazing and I’d be proud if you were my child.

@Herocomplex thank you, I didnt even k ow something like that existed :)......

@Baitbox ..... thank you....

YANBU except the bit about your DM not attending your birth. I was asked once to attend a close relative's birth but I didn't want to be present at my own birth let alone anyone else's lol no matter how closely related! I've only got sons though so hopefully nobody will be asking me again .
Yup your DM definately sounds controlling.

@chainashta I wouldnt want her in the room with me obviously i just thought she could be outside and with me once the baby is born and the reason I asked her is because she told me that I didnt ask her to take her for a scan with me so i thought she would want to be at least in the hospital.
Xx

OP, I so hear you. My mother is a LOT like this. So many similarities.

I’m half asleep but I just wanted to say that I read your post nodding and I completely empathise with your hurt, frustration and mixed feelings. It’s hard, particularly hard at this time of year. Sending you solidarity

i think you may be asking the wrong question here.... clearly, deep down, you know your Mum is not being what she should be towards you. The question needs to be.. Why are you doubting yourself? From what you’ve stated, you’ve been a reasonable person in your own right... whether you wanted to go to uni or not (no biggy for me), you’ve done what’s right for you and you lead a good life, have a good, supportive husband, etc.

So don’t ever doubt yourself because someone ( even your own Mum!) is making you feel like you should. Hold your head high and know what’s right for you.

Good luck!

@64sNewName @mrshectic that means alot to me, thank you so much for such supportive messages .........

At the very beginning of your original post you say, you and your mum were like 'best friends'. This phrase always makes me cringe, a mother should not be trying to make a best friend out of her daughter.

Your mum's best friend (you) grew up, discovered boys and wanted to spend time with them - no wonder she didn't like any of them. Then you had the audacity to meet a guy you wanted to marry and have a baby with. Of course she dislikes him. You grew up, your Mother didn't.

She may have wanted you to go to university or wait a few years to have a baby - we all want our children to make the most of their life but we can't control them or dictate time frames. You have made your choices for your life and it sounds as if you are happy.

Could your Mother be disappointed with her choices? Does she feel like she has missed out? Is she about kudos and reflected glory, as in your achievements will add a feather to her cap?

I agree with the others, it must be hurtful and frustrating but I think you will never really get what you seek from your Mother.
You were close growing up because she was in control and you were a pet. But you are not that young girl anymore. It's sad that your mother seems resentful or jealous of the adult and mother you have become. Your mother does love but it's not the unconditional love you seek. It's all wrapped up in her wants, needs and disappointments. OP - you have love in your life, you are mother in your own right - don't let your daughter see you chasing after a kind of love that comes wrapped in bitter paper.

I don't suggest you go NC with your mother but you are within your right to say you will not put up with her comments about your DH and your daughter's father. Stand up for yourself, she has no right to put you down.

Good luck OP.

The job of a parent is to bring up a future adult. They should not be their child’s friend, this is an abuse of power on many levels and can prevent the child from forming secure friendships. She was able to mould you into the friend she wanted as a child. But as an adult, you have naturally pulled away and wanted to forge your own life.

It sounds as though because you’ve pulled away from your mother, she’s punishing you. It must be baffling that she was happy for your brother to get married and have a wife / children. It is possibly because she targeted you, the female child to fulfil her needs. The disapproval is coming from her expectation of you sacrificing yourself for her even in adulthood and you did not.

How she is with you is about her and her issues and not yours. Congratulate yourself for having pulled away and made your own life and have a good read on narcissism. I like this website. It compares narcissistic love to that of a domestic appliance. In these terms, your mother thinks you’re faulty and her attitude is coming from this place. thehappysensitive.com/narcissistic-love-versus-unconditional-love/

Do be careful to monitor how she is with your dd. My mother’s behaviour took it up a notch when my dd was about 7 and I had a period of nc because of it.