My ''sister in law'' is poking the bear!

[CaseyLeigh23]

Relatively long post for my first...so I apologize and thank anyone that sticks around.

So I've always gotten on with my OHs sisters. They're both older than him and more my age than his. Four years ago we all got pregnant at the same time, and now our girls have started nursery. His older sisters DD goes to a different school, but ours and the middle sisters went to school together.

They're both very strong willed, independent children. Which is where the problems began. His sister is a single parent, with an older child, who works full time. Hats off to her. So her DD has always been with childminders from being 6mo. This particular childminder did pick ups and drop offs at out school. Great.

For the first week or so in September nursery was going well, our DDs were in the same group and seemed to enjoy it, but then the cracks started. The SiL began telling me she didn't want them in group together because she didn't want them dependent on each other (I agreed). This then moved on to her saying she wanted to change childminders (because her DD struggled to walk to school and back) and she might end up switching schools (again I was supportive if it was best for them).

Things progressed further when SiL told me her daughter was having issues and she "wasn't right in the head" because she was seemingly struggling with anxiety. As a side note I should also mention her DD struggled with certain things that most children her age found easy. (For example my daughter and I point out all the numbers on our walk home on registration plates and houses but her DD didn't recognise any. On the times I've looked after her I've tried to help)

Skip another week and her DD is having meltdowns every morning at nursery drop off. Her childminder is leaving her without comfort due to other children, and she's taking her mood out on my DD when she tries to comfort her. Eventually my DD started kicking off and refusing to come to nursery. And the two of them began arguing constantly.

I spoke to teachers and my SiL about it and suggested we split the girls up in group. The teachers agreed it was a good idea. My SiL FLIPPED!

Over the course of the next few weeks she implied it was my fault her DD was "struggling with understanding" because she was moved group (even though I offered to move my DD despite the SiL hating their group teacher). She's accused me of wanting her child "out of the way" and made out the issues are fabricated by my DD (despite witnessing these things myself)

I tried to explain that I didn't want our DDs falling out permanently, that I wanted to nip this in the bud before it got worse, that our DDs getting along was the most important thing to me.

Since then she's ignored me completely. And my children. She's actively avoided us and feigned ignorance if we've spoke to her. She's talked crap about me to her sister. And today I've found out she's took her DD out of school, switched childminders and moved her elsewhere...

Am I wrong for being angry and feeling humiliated? She's made me out to be a horrible aunty to her child by upending her life by splitting up our DDs and her child moving group...but then she's changed her childminder and moved her school.

I just don't know what to do, and right now I want to stop her from seeing my children at all again! She's infuriated me!

As I read it, her DD has struggled to settle, yours hasn't. SIL is a lone parent and may have voiced her concerns to you...including mentioning that she MIGHT move her child.

Then you've done it for her. You took it upon yourself to speak to the teacher which resulted in HER child being moved...which isn't really on when her child was the one struggling.

I think you've been rather cold about it all really. Mentioning the numbers issue seems rather petty too. Not all children of this age can recognise numbers and that's nothing to do with the issue anyway.

In short, you think her DD has attachment issues and is struggling with foundation learning because she was left in childcare so much as a child. You’ve passive aggressively made your point to her about this now. Time to let it go. She’ll be feeling guilty, and a bit embarrassed, that’s why she’s lashing out. It’s pretty hard being a single parent; you can’t win.

Not recognising numbers is one sign of not getting sufficient one-on-one input from a loved adult ages 2-4.

I will second @BillHadersNewWife the mentioning of numbers is petty and irrelevant. Remarks like that make me wonder what other sly digs you have at your SIL. Her daughter may have been struggling with childcare and school adjustment issues but if that was my niece I would have been comforting her myself not leaving my daughter to do it.

I can’t see you’ve done anything wrong. SIL had already said she wanted them in different groups. The only thing that may have happened is when you spoke to the teacher she may have picked up any criticism of childminder etc.

Either way, she’s a grown adult and she’s chosen to bully you and ignore you, and stir ill feeling.

To be honest you are better off out. It was bound to happen and your kids not being friends could be the best long term solution. The worst outcome is if she stirred trouble about you, and ignored you, but insisted on seeing your DD without you... which is what two ILs including SIL are doing to me! Now THAT is difficult as I’ve had to say no you can’t see my child without me, which then DP has got stroppy about...

Nightmare.

Now you’ve the perfect excuse to keep clear. They will brand you as awful auntie for years probably but who cares? You will get healthier relationships.

@CaseyLeigh23

I don't think you have done anything wrong your SIL sounds hard work she could be projecting her anxiety on to her child. I might be wrong but I have seen this before when a highly strung mum starts worrying about stuff and her child starts to pick up on it and starts having difficulties at nursery or school. I would just ignore her back and see if she comes to her senses.

Actually to clear up any confusion I spoke to her about splitting them up first. I knew she was having issues with their group leader and in her own words "hated how she teaches them". I called her to say that our children had been bickering relentlessly through nursery (which she didn't know because the childminder didn't pass on, and then insinuated I was making it up) and that splitting them up when they were taking their emotions out on each other would be best for them as family.

If it were any other kid I wouldn't care. But they have a bond for life.

Her DD was also in the afternoon session previously and in September she moved her to mornings. She was placed with a different group leader and after three days moved to group with my child. Which is where we both agreed that the teachers shouldn't have. I called SiL, when my DD started to lash out at her cousin, suggested splitting them up and asked if she wanted to move her DD back to her previous group before I went in and requested my DD be moved.

I'm also not allowed to stay at nursery. You get a five minute window for drop off. I comforted her child, cleaned her up and physically carried her to group more often than not. But I can't settle her for the rest of the time there. Their group leader told me their issues would start when my DD tried hugging her (because she doesn't understand not everyone wants to hug when they're sad) and she would push her away.

As for the numbers thing it was relating to her Mum saying there's something wrong with her. Not a sly dig in the slightest. It was something I'd worried about after that because her DD seemed to be struggling so much at nursery and was using it as an example of how this was seemingly affecting her learning too.

I'd often pick her DD up from nursery when SiL couldn't. Or have her on days when she had to work and the childminder couldn't have her. I've seen first-hand how our children can be so mean to each other, but also how much they love each other.

My intentions were honest because I didn't want my DD making the issues SiL was having with her DD in regards to nursery etc being made worse. If she was already having issues then my DD was only going to aggravate the situation by bickering with her cousin at nursery in such a confined group and it was pushing them apart.

This seems like a whole lot of drama about nothing. Your daughter tries to hug her and she pushes her away. Tell your dd her cousin wants space. I don't know why anyone needed to be split up. I doubt this would impact their future relationship.

Do you think the child is having anxiety due to learning problems?

What did SIL mean when she said her DD wasn’t “right in the head”. It’s hard for me to imagine a mother using those word about their own child.

Also, struggling with the walk?

I think SIL May be struggling with worry and guilt that she’s not able to do enough for her child. Not much you can do about that, except be kind and keep a safe distance.

So what do you mean by "poking the bear"? Ive only really heard this used by people who can't control their emotions and end up lashing out violently but blaming the other person.

@Josette77

We'd already had that conversation several times. We'd also had the conversation that when her cousin tells her she hates her and pushes her over in the playground she doesn't mean it. But when you've got two children who see each other in a confined space in school, as well as out of school, who are now deliberately going out of their way to argue, it was making things difficult.

Originally SiL and I had agreed they needed the space from each other by being in different groups. I can't understand why she's allowed to say things like that, but when I brought it up (for the completely valid reason that they were fighting) I was in the wrong and trying to stop them ever seeing each other again!

your SIL needs help. calling her child not right in the head over anxiety is horrible. Is it possible SIL is struggling and putting blame on others to mask it. In no way is this the children's fault and I don't think the constant (what it seems like) moving classes is helping to settle. They need routine. Also baring in mind your SILs current state of mind (in regards to lack of empathy for her child) could she has have said something about your child to hers to provoke the behaviour.

You didn't just "bring it up", you actually instigated it and somehow got your SIL's child moved instead of your own.

@HannaYeah

I think she was having a particularly rough morning due to issues with her other child. Her youngest would cry that she didn't want to go to the childminders on X day and SiL couldn't understand why she was getting worked up over it. She took her to the doctors for a referral but everytime I've asked after that she refused to acknowledge me.

Also, her childminder lived 5-10 minutes from the school so I was told, but her DD is used to travelling everywhere by car.

@Biancadelrioisback

I'm controlling my emotions very well right now, but SiL is provoking me by doing certain things. I don't need to go into what I know she's said about me, or my DD, but I feel like if she carries on down this path I'm going to snap and say something we'll both regret. I'd never be violent, I'm not a violent person, but there's only so much I can tolerate before I speak up.

@BillHadersNewWife what do you not underatand about me calling SiL to discuss this and move my child first?

She agreed originally they needed to have breathing room apart from each other and not be in group together. She also wanted to move her from the group because of the group teacher, which she said several times. When our children started having issues I said I would move my child and go speak to the nursery manager the next morning. She put the phone down, rang the nursery and demanded her DD was moved back to her original group.

That wasn't my call. I didn't do it behind her back and I didn't expect her to move her child if she didn't want to. I just mentioned splitting them up for group to give them breathing room

So you've left out important information from your OP? Why? What you've written currently is that your SIL got upset with you for rearranging your DD"s groups...and that she's had a hard time with her DD settling and so she's moved her school...

Now you say she's been saying things about you and your DD but "you don't need to go into them"

so are you annoyed at what she's been saying or what she'd done?

X post.

I think it sounds like your SIL is having a very worrying time. She's lashed out at you because it's easier than to face up to the worrying situation with her DD.

You need to say nothing to her. If she's saying bad things about you, leave her to it. She's having a bad time. Not that this makes it OK but you need to be the bigger person.

@BillHadersNewWife

I know what she's said has been a direct relation to the issues she's had with her children and the stress she was under. I come from a ridiculously big family where issues like this don't last because at the end of the day we're family.

I'm hurt because she's ignoring my children now, she's pretending we don't exist and making sly comments. She's stopped my DD seeing her cousin (and as of this moment she doesn't know she won't be coming back to school with her, which I only found out myself tonight through my OH even though she's been at the new school almost a week)

I missed things out or explained badly because I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with it all. I'm mostly shocked that she's made me out to be some villain with the rest of her family for trying to be mature and speak to her about these things first, but then she's done something she's accused me of but on a bigger scale (It apparently being my fault her DD was moved back to her original group Vs her changing the childminder she's had all her life and switching her to a completely new school)

I feel like my DD and I are being punished because I maybe mistakenly tried to help with the only situation I could

So just ask her if she really does intend to remover herself and her DD from your DDs life. Because there is no going back IMO. I won't have people flit in and out of my DSs life like that. So just pull her up on it and if she refuses to talk them give her a window of opportunity to discuss, if she won't then she has made her decision and chosen to not be an aunty to your DD anymore. I'd also throw in some comments about your DD not deserving this and mention how much she is hurting her. If she doesn't care then you dont want her in her life anyways.

Its really unusual to complaon about a situation and the other child gets moved. Usually its your own child they'd move.

I must admit Id struggle a lot with a family memeber who disliked my child so much they'd complained to the nursery and it was my child that got moved as s result. If her child is already struggling another move wont have helped. That said Id struggle to continue at the same nuraery as slmeone I knew felt like that about me.

It sounds like your sil and her dd are in in a bad place and she is blaming you and your dd for not being the support structure they need completely on their terms. This isn’t your job. You did what you could and it has been misinterpreted. Your dd is only little. She will get over not being close to her cousin. Please try to rise above the situation. I know it’s difficult when your child is in pain.

Your contempt for her single parent status and the fact she works is very clear. Start there.

@Sotiredofthislife

That's actually laughable. She's been a single parent on and off since she had DD with it only recently becoming permanent again. And her Dad and his family are very involved on weekends. As is her older child's Dad and family.

And I also work...

@SquashedFlyBiscuit

Read my replies. I didn't complain to the nursery. I called SiL to talk about it and she called nursery and demanded her DD be moved groups. She disliked the group teacher anyway and wanted her DD away from her. I was going to move my DD from the beginning but figured if SiL wanted her DD away from the group it was better to discuss our options first.

@LilQueenie

I don't want to think badly of my SiL but I know how observant children are. SiL has said things about other people in front of her child, so it's very possible she's brought us up in a harsher way and her DD has latched onto this.

That being said while her DD was still at nursery, in her different group, she was always happy when we saw her. She'd wait around to talk to us and even came to join us on mine and my DDs stay and play session. The teachers had told me that being away from my DD in group had relaxed her too, so I felt like I had done the right thing since they were both getting along again.

YANBU. Sounds like she has made you the scapegoat.

In your shoes,I would step back from her completely. Let DH deal with her, and any Xmas presents etc.

Don’t run around after her trying BT to appease her, that’s exactly what she wants.

@Perisoire

Thank you. And thank you to everyone that offered advice. The OH was out with his sisters and their girls today to see Santa etc. Me and our children weren't invited along.

But tonight I just don't feel like letting it bring me any further down. Gonna wash my hands with it now and we'll see what happens in the coming weeks.