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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up of being responsible for everything

18 replies

HanginWithMyGnomies · 03/12/2019 22:08

Long story short after leaving my exh, he left the country. He doesn’t see or make any contact with our DD, DSS or DSD (their mother is honestly a terrible excuse for a parent too and just abandoned them).

We are all the family we have. I recently was diagnosed with a disability and struggle daily to hide the pain while my meds are kicking in. Anyway enough waffle, I’ve had to do Christmas all alone, yet again and I’m sat here in tears with the pain of just trying to wrap the presents!

Now my AIBU is my exh parents and sisters live 30 mins away from me, I’ve been thinking for weeks that I should just go to their houses and ~demand~ ask for support. Surely they should want to help in some way, they are family after all? Or am I just being ridiculous?

OP posts:
Pipandmum · 03/12/2019 22:21

Are you in regular contact with them? Do they know your situation? Do you like them? Call them and ask about any family Christmas events or ask them over for lunch and let them know you'd love for them to be more involved with the kids. They may have no idea.

Original poster
HanginWithMyGnomies · 03/12/2019 22:27

@pipandmum thanks for your reply. To be honest, I was pretty scathing of them all when he just upped and left. The older two children are his to his ex wife and he just left them with me. I’m more than happy to have them though.

I may just need to calm down and reach out properly like you suggest. Thank you

OP posts:
OoohTheStatsDontLie · 03/12/2019 22:30

He left his own kids with you? They arent yours? I am not sure of he legalities but could this legally mean you are fostering them and entitled to some support from social services? That's disgusting behaviour from him

BusyBB · 03/12/2019 22:34

So the children are their biological grandchildren and her niece and nephew but not actually related to you?

the sister and parents should be very grateful you are keeping these children living with you and should be doing all they can to help, especially due to your disability.

as pp said you will have to approach them nicely or they could take the children from you (unless you've adopted them?) and needing help is not the same as not wanting the children!

PegasusReturns · 03/12/2019 22:38

They should be eternally grateful you've stepped up!

Original poster
HanginWithMyGnomies · 03/12/2019 22:41

I really hope this isn’t drip feeding, sorry if it is. Exh and I went to court and got residence of the children (giving us both PR), obviously shared with their mum. However, their mum is not allowed to have the children in her care.

So legally, I have the right to make decisions etc and most importantly they have a secure and loving home with someone who wants them! And loves them so very much. I’m just struggling physically with basic things some days and it bothers me, I do not want them to have to pick up any slack for me and there are adults out there who should and could help...

OP posts:
Original poster
HanginWithMyGnomies · 03/12/2019 22:43

So the two older children are not mine biologically. They are my exh and his first wife’s. I do have PR and they have lived with me for a few years now.

OP posts:
speakout · 03/12/2019 22:44

I think you need legal advice.

It sounds a strange set up.

gamerchick · 03/12/2019 22:57

You need legal advice man. I hope the pair of them are paying maintenance at least.

OverByYer · 03/12/2019 23:03

How old are the children? Can the older ones help out with some jobs around the house?
Yes ask for help.
Yes speak to a solicitor, you need some financial support.
YANBU. Your ex sounds like a twat

Original poster
HanginWithMyGnomies · 03/12/2019 23:10

Thanks for all the replies, he is a twat (always makes me feel better to call him names when I’m alone 😂). No one pays a penny, nothing at all!
I had a really good solicitor for all the family proceedings, I’ll give her a call and see if there’s anything she can advise first.
Thanks for at least making me smile..

OP posts:
Original poster
HanginWithMyGnomies · 03/12/2019 23:11

They’re 10 and 12 so they could help with little bits @OverByYer

OP posts:
Lucinda88 · 03/12/2019 23:16

I think you need to talk to a benefits advisor because I would have thought you should get an allowance for looking after the older children. I dont know anything about it, but I'm thinking of a foster carer allowance because that's what you effectively are.

I hope things improve for you and hats off for taking in two other children that are not yours. Flowers

Herocomplex · 03/12/2019 23:22

Definitely build bridges if you can and they’re reasonable people. It might be useful for you all.

I’m surprised they haven’t already been in touch with their grandchildren, it seems such a shame.

AllosaurusMum · 03/12/2019 23:24

I think if you want to possibly of them helping out you’re going to need to apologize and make amends. They don’t owe you anything and are rightly staying away if you’ve been nasty to them. Your ex is an asshole, but they’re not responsible for his behavior.

Herocomplex · 03/12/2019 23:27

It’s just made me think it ought to be possible to hire a gift wrapping service, like a cleaner or a dog walker. Good business idea!

Squirrelplay · 03/12/2019 23:32

Those poor children Sad well done OP for providing them with stability when their parents so badly let them down. I hope you get some well deserved support Flowers

OverByYer · 04/12/2019 06:21

Oh they’re still so young.
Poor things abandoned by both parents. What a wonderful person you are to take them on OP

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