AIBU about DH work do

[randomzzz]

I genuinely don't know if AIBU or if I'm overreacting due to pregnancy hormones so just bouncing this out there. Also I'm suffering from a horrible cold and flu and feeling rubbish as pregnancy means I can't take my usual Night Nurse, so I might just be feeling grumpy and tired. DH works in a city bank and works extremely long hours. By that I mean 80-90 hour weeks, coming home at around midnight and often working during the days at weekends. It's been tough for us. He is looking for a new job and is going to be leaving the industry in the new year- thank god- as we are expecting a baby in the Spring.

Anyway he hasn't resigned yet and today was his staff Christmas lunch. He's been working on a big project all month and said he expected to go to the lunch and then return to his desk to continue working which is normal. I've been sending him texts today (as we do text each other every day) and saw he hadn't replied or read any of the messages which usually only happens if his work is really stressful. The last message I sent at 11.30 was saying I was sorry it seems he's swamped at work, love him and hope he can come home soon etc. Here's me visualising him up to his neck in this project and feeling sorry for him. Anyway he finally responded by text just now saying he's still at the lunch!! He has now called, sounding drunk in a taxi, on his way home but is ONLY coming home now because they all got turned away from a club, otherwise he'd be out clubbing until the small hours!

I've told him I feel upset that he clearly didn't think about me today - could have texted once or read my messages- and I was under the impression he was working. That after the lunch he could have excused himself and come home, even if at about 9pm so we could actually see each other, but he prioritises work leaving his sick pregnant wife home alone.

Am I A) being totally unfair, need to give the guy a break, after all he works such long hours and today was a chance to enjoy himself for once on someone else's credit card. Or
B) am I not being unreasonable.

I do think you are being a tad unreasonable. He doesn't get out much from what you've said and is a very hard worker. The chances are he's been talking shop all day...
you may be blurred due to your lack of sleep.

You are A very unreasonable

Yeah, you’re being a dick. He probably just wanted to let his hair down and forget about work and life for a bit. Everyone needs a break sometimes. It sounds like he doesn’t get much downtime.

A. Completely unreasonable.

I mean that kindly by the way. Sorry, the dick bit might have sounded mean. Just be kind to him. It’s one night out.

Give him a break, he's on a rare night out.

Sorry you are unwell but don't pick this fight.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. A text would obviously have been nice.

He should have acknowledged your texts.
You are being slightly oversensitive and tbh the fact that he was planning to be out all night presumably without informing you is a bit shit, drunk or not.

C. Yabu to resent him having fun, but he could have text you and told you

If you were sick and looking after young babies and toddlers etc then yes, but you can just chill at home and he can let his hair down as he works so hard, so yabu

I'd go with C too

C. Yabu to resent him having fun, but he could have text you and told you

You’re not sick, you have a cold, are you gearing up to be the wife that demands he has no life except you and the baby?

We all get carried away sometimes, but for this one time, give him a break. You know how Christmas lunches get, he's done well to last this long! Yes, a text would have been nice but just mention that to him tomorrow. No need for drama

I can't begin to imagine working so late that I go out in the morning and don't get in until midnight. That is no way to live, and I'm pleased for you that he is changing this lifestyle before the baby arrives.

It is no life for him, but even less of a life for you, and I totally sympathise with the idea that you are fed up.

However I do think one night, socialising (and probably talking shop) with colleagues, when it was a compulsory lunch, probably was his only chance to let his hair down and I wouldn't be too cross about it. If he'd been working, he wouldn't have been there either. It's not like it was a decision to go off for a week away.

A bit of both i think - unreasonable to expect him to have come home and not just let his hair down for a while but I would have been a little grumpy with my DH if he didn't message me just to let me know that he was going to be out.

Haha, ok, thanks everyone. IABU. Helpful to hear some rational thoughts! You are right and I do of course know that he thoroughly deserves a night off - just feeling tired and emotional I think. He's home now and has ordered a pizza 🙈 I'm going to bed and leaving him to it.

Nah. As a pp says if he’d done this after you had the baby then yes but you are just pregnant with a bad cold. He doesn’t need to miss his work Christmas do (a rare night out by the sounds of it) for that.

Frankly I’m impressed he usually texts you during work and I’m super impressed he’s voluntarily moving to a less crazy industry because of the baby. Both rare for a banker to do. He’s a good un - let him a night off.

A

Yep, A but I think you get that op and sound eminently reasonable for a poorly pregnant person. Sympathies - colds when pregnant are shit as no lovely drugs to make them more bearable. Hope you feel better soon

I think this is a real 50/50

He could have and should have messaged you. You could and should have let it go as a one off without the snotty message.

However, both are excusable. Him for having the chance to kick back for a change (I did 50 hours last week and I'm a wreck, cannot imagine doing those kind of hours). You for being pregnant and ill.

Apologise in the morning and explain, and let him apologise to you.

As you've said you have flu and are pregnant then I kind of think he's unreasonable not checking on you at all throughout the day, even if just to make sure you're drinking water. Influenza can be very dangerous and with you being pregnant I do think he should have checked on you.

I was hospitalised for a week with influenza in 2017, the few days before I was admitted dh was due to go on a night for his bday and cancelled because he didn't want to leave me in case I got worse. My mil was going to come and keep an eye on me but he didn't want to go as he said he wouldn't relax.

The whole thread hadn't loaded before I posted. You said in the OP you have flu and that's what I based my reply on thinking you had actual flu and were pregnant, which can be dangerous for Mum and also baby.

More recent replies sound like you don't have flu?

I think your hormones and your cold are making you UR. It's his last Christmas night out with his team. He works long hours. I wouldn't begrudge him one night out. I also wouldn't expect him to answer my texts when he's out for lunch either.

YABU. He works long hours, don’t begrudge him the chance to let his hair down. He probably ignored your messages because he knew you’d guilt-trip him into coming home. And you would have, wouldn’t you?