To refuse to call my ex when my child asks me to ?

[Sandrayeo]

Hi all

I need help for my DD but must give you some context, bear with me please.

My child's father bailed on us when I got pregnant.It was not a "oops baby" at all.
We dated for years, made plans to buy a place, get married and started TTC right away because I was over 35.
After 9 months of trying, we had to get medical help. Fertility tests came back fine on his side,not so much on mine. The RE
told us I was running out of time and would probably struggle to get there.
Thank God, I got pregnant on first attempt with stimulation.

This was a "miracle" pregnancy for me but when I told him, he said he had changed his mind, was not ready and wanted me to get an abortion.
I was devastated. I decided to keep the baby so he left me.

I thought he would come around, kept sending pictures and mails. He never answered.

When my DD turned 2, I went to court. That's when he finally reached out, put his name on the birth certificate, signed an agreement on child support including back payments.
He paid and visited for about a year. Enough for DD to get really attached.
All the while, he pretended to want me back, we talked a lot, he made promises. After a year of this "courtship" I thought he
had really changed and slept with him again. After that one night, he became distant. No more calls or texts, no visits.
4 weeks later, his own sister informed me that he was about to get married with his other daughter's mother. That Child is 4 or 5 months
younger than mine.

Now I'm positive he did this just to humiliate and hurt me. Despite all, I hoped he would still do right by our DD
He did not. from the night I slept with him, he went MIA again. I had to go ballistic and have money taken directly from his earnings and bank accounts.
When he realized , he tried to call me but I blocked him.
It's been 10 months now. DD cried a lot the first 2 months. I eventually had a conversation with her, told her I didn't know why she couldn't see him and that there was nothing I could do about it.

She stopped asking me about her father for a while but this past weekend, she demanded to talk to him. I tried giving her the same explanations but this time, she wouldn't have it. She got angrier and kept asking why she couldn't go to his place, that maybe he didn't want to come to our place but she could go to his. Then she asked me to call him, crying.
It crushed my soul. I was really close to calling him. I didn't because I'm pretty sure he won't answer.
This would be humiliating and I don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing how much pain he's inflicting to us

AIBU ? Should I call him ?
Am I putting my pride before DD's needs ?
The thing is, he obviously doesn't give a s* about her.
How can I help my DD ?

Well I can see that phoning him out of the blue would be a problem but your DD obvious does want a relationship with him. How old is she now?

No, I wouldn't call him.
How awful.
He is truly a um.
I would seek some professional help to advise you how to cope with an absentee father.
It doesn't sound like he wants to be involved and he could end up ruining your daughter's childhood by walking in and out of it.
Seek help to explain why some father's just don't wish to be involved.

A really awful situation.
💐

How old is your daughter? From my reading of your OP she can’t be more than 4?

Well, he’s a special sort of thunder cunt isn’t he OP?

I have no answers. DDs father has never been around. His mother was, from 6 months old to 9 months old, then she just dropped out of DDs life with no warning, no explanation, nada.

How old is she OP?

Yanbu. I dont really know what you can do though, apart from ring him and show her he doesnt answer. But I sont know if she would understand that

I wouldn’t call now or allow any contact in the future.

DD is 4 now

I'm just really sorry, OP. I cannot imagine how awful this must feel.

If she’s only 4, and she’s had at best a year’s (?) contact with him, I’d hold my ground and not contact him. A wee tot is more likely to forget about him eventually at that age.

Which is good. Sounds like he deserves to be forgotten.

I had my eldest via fertility treatment after 4years of ttc we'd been together 8 years. Ds dad (left when I was 18 weeks) was not very regular with contact and in fact I've had no maintenance payment since he was 18 months (ds is 15). Contact stopped around 2 over the years ds asked I kept to the same statement 'your father has made a choice and we must respect this it is not your fault' obviously age appropriate at 13 he contacted dad via social media - met up twice with me present it was obvious dad still wasn't bothered about ds and ds finally saw dad for who he was. Over the years I never bad mouthed his father, never made promises just kept repeating the same things. Ds is actually totally OK about it all now having seen dad for who he is - I won't lie it was hard but distraction, reassurance and love from the rest of his family got him through it.
There's no easy quick fix just be there for your dd. Point out others in a similar position to her. Point out others who are in a 'non conventional' family unit and just show her how much you love her.

Shes 4, does not get to dictate about what is best for her (reading this), i wouldnt.

He will just keep letting her down again and again.

If however, she was say 14! i would absolutely let her. older to understand more

I think he was swaying between you and his fiancé. Or wanted a last shag for old times sake. Whichever he decided on her. He’s her problem now.

You’ve been so hurt youve decided he doesn’t want your child. I don’t know if there is recent evidence of that? He kept away when she was small but he was ok more recently?

You blocked him as your feelings were hurt so how can he contact you to arrange to see her?

I think this is more about you not wanting to be humiliated by him and not wanting him to hurt her by deserting her the way he’s hurt you by deserting you.

A child should have the right to see her father. Unless he’s a danger obv.

If he let’s her down once too many times then by all means deny access. I don’t think that’s happened though? He let her down when she was too small to remember. Has he let her down since, apart from him not being able to make contact now?

Can you email (or text or whatever) him to tell him his daughters missing him and you don’t want to prevent him seeing her? He can pick her up one mutually convenient day at whatever time and drop her off at whatever time etc.

I let my ex back into my child's life after he pulled a three year disappearing act. Since that time (I think it's been 9 years now) he's done nothing but let my child down, and upset my child. He's a constant head fuck and I can honestly say I'd be a bit pleased if he fell off a cliff tomorrow because at least my child would have closure. Anyway so you do know best here!

OP. You sound upset and angry and still very hurt by his actions. Your dd is the most precious thing to you, she isn't regarded the same from her bio dad. I am genuinely struggling to understand how this perfectly construed request/explanations and demanding visits from him, came from a 4 year old child?
Tell her you are sad, tell her not all relationships last, tell her you love her and talk openly and honestly that things can change, but he's not in your lives, you don't need him in your lives. This may change, but it's you and her forever, that wont change/she's too special for that etc. Just remember she's 4...

I told my Ds at about that age that if his dad wanted to see him he had to contact me not the other way round. I told him he had my email and phone number and these had not changed.

She is 4 , she doesn’t understand that he will just hurt her.

If there is some way to convey what Starlight said that doesn't completely destroy her...(hearing Daddy doesn't WANT to see you so terrible at that age / any age)

So I can't phone him he has to phone me

Can you reach out to his sister again?

ex child carer. this doesn't directly correlate but there is a common thread - one thing I came across whilst working with dc from complex background was where dc idealizes the non resident parent, in some cases where the dc would talk about things they did with the absent parent which either they did not do all at all or did with the resident parent. You are to be relied on - so she can act up with you - take it as a slightly strange compliment - she also is unable at her age to comprehend why dd wont come when she wants him to & if only she spoke to him he would come &make a fuss of her - they cant comprehend that adults can be selfish or self centred, after all you aren't, tell her you are not allowed to ring him. Don't do it because it will make your life worse - ten to one he will tell her you stopped him contacting her if he hasn't done this all ready.

You need to get DD into therapy

Look for play therapy or art therapy. They're very appropriate means by which young children can express deep emotions.

The aim would be to help her understand that you are not keeping him from her like some ogre, and to grieve his loss.

Also, to understand that she has what she needs in you and the home you have made and very importantly that her father is the one with the flaw here, not her.

It will take a little time but she needs this help.

Obv I am saying 'Do not call him'.

Any relationship with him will end up damaging her.

This is such a sad story and, my goodness, what a tangled web the man has woven! I'm surprised he can sleep at night (maybe he can't). Does his new wife know about his slightly older daughter? If she does I wonder what she thinks about the situation.

Poor little lass, however you are her stability zone, Sandreyeo. She is too young to understand it all right now but will when she gets older. I agree with others that the thing to tell her is that it is up to her father to contact you, not the other way around. She'll probably ask why - just say that is how it is done when a child lives permanently with one parent.

Give her lots of love - which I'm sure you already do.

I have a feeling your daughter's father will eventually want to come back into her life; when that happens it must be impressed upon him that he has to be responsible about it and not just fade away again.

But you blocked him, so you're the one who has stopped contact. You really shouldn't have done that as contact between them was fine and you've stopped that.

OP you are not to blame, had he wanted contact he could call, write , go to court, or even through his family.
Tell your DD if her dad ever calls or want s to see her then she can go, he knows where you live, ask her has he ever knocked on the door, and make her understand you are not the reason he doesn't see her.

I've been in a somewhat similar situation as you.
I'm not sure it's a good thing telling your daughter he has to contact you, and that you can't contact him. It may just leave her hanging on waiting for him to call, and also possibly paints you as being in a very subservient position. Alternatively she may just get very angry at your refusal to phone him.
It's such a difficult place to be. You need to get some story books about there being all sorts of family setups. It really helps to know other single parent families too
I used to talk to my dd about some daddies aren't able to be a good enough dad. They make babies but aren't responsible and grown up enough to be a good daddy. Let her know that you are upset and disappointed with his behaviour, but do so in a resigned calm and factual way. Let her know that none of this is her fault.
Find a way to tell her gently that the situation is unlikely to change and you know this makes her sad, but you and her have to move forward with it. Reassure her that you love her and that the two of you are going to be happy and have a great time in your lives together.
It may help to also tell her that she's very young at the moment and it's hard for her to understand grown ups problems, but she'll get to understand it more when she's older.
Decide upon the story you use to try to help her better understand and stick with it. Spend time explaining it to her, and let her ask/talk about it etc but don't dwell on it for too long a time. Give her a cuddle etc and then deliberately distract her and get up and do something else together.
Hopefully, your daughter will come to accept the situation better, but expect her to revisit the subject from time to time throughout her childhood.
Try and get some photos of him if you can as she may like to have these. make sure you have copies in case she tears them up at some stage.
For what it's worth, my daughter is now grown up, at Uni, and is a very well balanced and happy young woman.
I hope things work out well for you and your dd.

@raspberryk
Do you really think op blocking him means that he couldn't contact her to arrange to see his child?
That's clearly ridiculous! He could call round the house, write to her, email her, phone from someone else's phone or ask his sister or someone else to approach op and act as a go between.
He's a flaky dead beat dad- he didn't see the child for the first two years before op became more proactive, and then was only in his child's life for a limited time. The way he treated op during that time was absolutely dispicable- he didn't even tell her he was about to
marry someone else!!!
It's highly unlikely that he is capable of being even a good enough father to any child. OP and her dd are better off without him in the short term and the long term.

@raspberryk no I didn’t stop the contact between them.
Here’s the timeline:
We slept together at the end of January 19
He didn’t call or text after that for 2 weeks when he used to at least text once a week to get check on her.

Mid February, Since his child support payment was 2 weeks late, I texted him to know when he would send me a check. He answered ASAP, then asked if we would be available ANY OF THE NEXT weekends. I said yes, but give me a heads up as to when exactly you want to come. He said OK, sent a check a week later but never got back to me about visiting again.

He went on complete radio silence again. Begining of March, his sister I hadn’t ear from for ages, calls me to tell me he’s about to get married (pretty sure he cowardly asked her to do it for him). He got married in late March. All that time, I thought he was busy with wedding plans, the wedding itself and what not. Still, he could have texted or call his daughter.

March, April and May went by. He never called or texted. Not once! At that point, DD had not seen him for 4 months.

He got the news that he would get money taken directly from his earnings at the end of may 19. He didn’t bouge. Not a call, nothing.

In august, he gets a call from his bank telling him all his accounts are frozen for review so I could get what he owes me. That’s when he decided to call me. He spent 7 months without showing any interest in DD but because his pocket was under siege, all of a sudden, he calls. I didn’t answer his call. He then texted me literally this: “Hi, how are you and DD doing ? I’ll call you again at 8PM if it’s OK.” That’s when I blocked him. It was obvious that he only wanted to call to try and get himself out of financial trouble. He could care less about DD.

So I didn’t stop him from seeing her. He never cared about her and would have never been a real father to her