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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being a bit PFB?

48 replies

CluelessNewMama · 02/12/2019 09:21

DD is just under 6 months old. I’m on mat leave and look after her mostly by myself Monday to Friday (DH works long days so doesn’t often see her awake in the week). At the weekend we spend lots of time with his family (PILs, SIL, BIL); they love spending time with DD and will pass her around for hours.
When I really need a bit of a break in the week or just need to get something done Ill let her watch baby videos on YouTube, but I don’t love the idea so keep it to a minimum (20 mins or so once or twice a week). ILs have discovered that she likes these videos and I now feel like whoever gets hold of her instantly gives her their phone with YouTube on. Whenever we are out and she cries or fusses MIL immediately hands me her phone. I’ve said a few times that I don’t really want her staring at screens all the time but haven’t been particularly forceful about it. It’s just really starting to grate on me. Am I being a hypocrite cause I introduced them in the first place? And am I being a bit PFB generally? I know it isn’t going to do any major damage, I just really think it would be better for her to be interacting with people or exploring things around her not staring at the phone screen.

OP posts:

Nojustyou · 02/12/2019 11:33

Babies don't need tv for their mother to have a break to be honest. I think 6 months is way too early to start, but each to their own.

if you don't want relatives to put yours in front of a screen, just tell them no, and insist. Your child, your rules. you might as well get used to put your foot down, because as nice as your relatives might be, there will probably be a lot of other things where you won't agree about.

Cultoffortnite · 02/12/2019 11:38

I don't think you're being PFB - for me there's nothing worse than being out and seeing young kids given a screen to amuse them. They need to learn to interact with other people.
Just tell the family she doesn't need a screen.
Get her a Jumperoo or similar for when you need 20 mins to yourself - although a bit off telly won't kill her obvs.
I'

Poppinjay · 02/12/2019 11:38

Babies don't need tv for their mother to have a break to be honest.

Babies don't need all sorts of things that they have, many of which could be an issue if used excessively but are absolutely fine used in moderation.

BlackSwanGreen · 02/12/2019 11:38

YANBU - she's too young for this. Can your DH speak to them?

cakeandchampagne · 02/12/2019 11:39

I know parents who started using screens a lot with their very young babies. Then the children became unable to eat, go to a shop, calm down, or even ride in a car without screens.

You decide for your baby, and others need to respect that.

StarlingsInSummer · 02/12/2019 11:46

YANBU to find it irritating. I let my DS (age 5) watch cartoons sometimes, but it really bugs me that when he stays with his granparents, they seems to have the TV on all the time, even when he's playing happily - it's just background noise which I feel is completely unnecessary. BUT on the other hand, it's only one weekend every few months that he stays with them, so I have decided to pick my battles and not say anything. So maybe weigh up whether they see your DC often enough for it really to be an issue, and whether it's a hill you want to die on...

BonnyE · 02/12/2019 11:49

YANBU
DD almost 2 and tactical use of cbeebies deployed at home (never outside home). MIL recently asked if we could install iPlayer for watching at her house. We politely explained that we'd ideally like to contain/control screen as much as possible and she was totally cool with it. Your rules!

NarhwalAndAFireExtinguisher · 02/12/2019 12:08

You are not being unreasonable. I have been studying Sensory processing Disorder and global delay and a large amount of it is linked to children being sat in front of a screen instead of crawling, walking, running, jumping and playing. Some studies have linked delayed speech and eating difficulties to the simple act of learning to crawl within a ormal time frame and the cordination of using left and right hands to move forwards. The occupational and speech therapists and paediatricians i've met are dead against the use of screen for more than 20-30 minutes 2-3 times a week.

If you need your baby to be looked after, why not look at half or a full day in nursery? And I would 100% put a full ban on hand held screens.

Nojustyou · 02/12/2019 12:49

Babies don't need all sorts of things that they have, many of which could be an issue if used excessively but are absolutely fine used in moderation.

I don't agree that a screen is good in any way shape or form for such a young baby, there's plenty to keep them occupied at that age to have a break, but again, each to their own.
It's not that they don't need it, it's that's is bad for them. Just google studies about it.

Poppinjay · 02/12/2019 16:36

It's not that they don't need it, it's that's is bad for them.

Please could you post a link to the research that supports the view the 2 x 20 min sessions a week watching a screen is harmful for a six month old baby.

saraclara · 02/12/2019 18:53

I think a bit of TV is okay. There's a sharing element to TV. But I'm anti phones and tablets which involve a narrow field of vision and exclude others.

I'd happily park my toddler and baby daughters in front of Rosie and Jim while I got their lunch ready. But no way will I be giving my little granddaughter a phone or tablet when she visits or I'm babysitting.

Original poster

CluelessNewMama · 03/12/2019 09:14

Thanks for all your thoughts, that’s really helpful.

@FineWordsForAPorcupine I love your way of putting it, that’s exactly how I explained it to my husband last night. He said he totally gets it, had noticed it happening a lot more recently too and agrees that it needs to just be very occasional screen use at this point, and only when we say so.

ILs are great and we don’t want it to become a big thing so we’re just going to gently but firmly say that we don’t want her looking at screens every time we see it happening. I’m also going to start taking a big bag of toys out with us so I can hand them over instead.

To those saying it should be no screen time ever, I respect what you are saying and think it’s a totally sensible position, however in reality I’m pretty relaxed about occasional screen use, especially since I do so much else with her throughout the day. I just don’t want it to become a frequent thing or what is used to calm her down.

@littlepaddypaws yes she does literally get passed around for hours (until she needs a nap/feed) she hates being put down on a play mat or anything, and DH has a big family so lots of people wanting to take turns to hold and play with her. She seems to love it.

@OoohTheStatsDontLie That’s something I’ve spoken to DH about recently, we spend lots of each weekend with his family which is great but I do think we also need family time just the three of us. He gets it so we try to keep at least some time each weekend to ourselves.

OP posts:

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 09/12/2019 15:59

It's much better for children to learn to use them in moderation from an early age

Kids aren't always great at learning moderation - they need the adults around them to set limits.

Poppinjay · 09/12/2019 16:58

Kids aren't always great at learning moderation - they need the adults around them to set limits.

That's how they learn to use them in moderation, e.g. for 20 minutes twice a week

MiniCooperLover · 09/12/2019 17:00

At six months she needs a toy to chew, a picture book to stare at, a soft toy of some kind but not a screen either by you or in-laws .. she doesn't need to be always stimulated.

HarrietTheFly · 09/12/2019 17:03

Yanbu

Poppinjay · 10/12/2019 20:05

At six months she needs a toy to chew, a picture book to stare at, a soft toy of some kind

I'm sure that the OP can manage to squeeze in these essentials in the time available between the two 20 minute periods in which she's watching a screen each week

The judgemental comments on this thread are quite depressing. Since when was it OK to try to make a mother feel inadequate because for 20 mins twice a week she finds a way to distract her child by giving her something that she doesn't need but enjoys and does her no harm?

Can any mother on this forum claim to have never used something to distract their child for a short period that they didn't actually need? I certainly couldn't.

andpancakesforbreakfast · 10/12/2019 21:55

there are quite a few experts who really don't recommend any screen time under the age of 2

Cherrysoup · 10/12/2019 22:03

I just don’t see the point of a 6 month old being given a screen. Hand it back.

SheSaidHummingbird · 10/12/2019 22:18

Could you get a small (portable) rattle/ colourful, stimulating toy that you could instead use to soothe her in these moments. So, the ILs can also use this toy to interact with her, instead of shoving a screen in her face?

Poppinjay · 10/12/2019 23:45

there are quite a few experts who really don't recommend any screen time under the age of 2

I wouldn't recommend it. That doesn't mean that what the OP is doing is harmful to her child.

ShinyGiratina · 11/12/2019 08:18

The thing with screen time is not so much what it does as what are you not doing.

A baby/ child who uses it as sporadically as a last resort and has a balanced variety of interractions and play will be fine. A baby/ child who has it thrust at them automatically, frequently and for prolonged periods will be missing out on a lot of stimuli for development.

A short distraction to allow a parent to function is fine. Unless a baby is overstimulated and distressed and in a situation where that's difficult to remedy, there's not much reason for extended family to be pulling phones out for entertainment

Waitrosescheapestvodka · 11/12/2019 08:49

I have a 4 month old and I've been using them in a pinch (twice a week for 15ish mins) since 2 months. No, he doesn't need screens and it certainly doesn't do him good. But on rough days when I haven't had a chance to eat or drink anything, or if I feel overwhelmed, I will not always be able to respond to him in the way I want to. I'd rather a brief use of a screen to enable me to get my shit together and be an engaging mother again.

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