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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To LTB?

27 replies

TotallyDoneWithThis · 02/12/2019 08:06

I’ve been dating a man for a year. He has dc from a PR. He was single for around eight months before I started seeing him.

When I started seeing him he kept me a secret from his ex as he thought she would cause trouble. I wasn’t happy about this as it meant us not going out in our local area incase she was around. Also, the ex constantly text and phoned when we were together. When I say constantly, it really was. All over little things that could wait or personal things. When he finally agreed that it was fine for her to know about us, the shit hit the fan and her texts to him were even more frequesnt, more demanding and the day she found out about me she text him saying she loved him still. This is all while she was living with her current boyfriend who she left mine for.

In the first six months, he would text her back, so she had no boundaries. I totally didn’t blame just her. He refused to lay any boundaries and I walked so many times.

In the past few months he has tried I admit by telling her only to text about urgent things about the dc. It’s calmed down a lot but there are times when she kicks off and he doesn’t stick up to her, he basically ignores her texts. Recent examples include phoning and demanding he contact his parents when we were away, she has all the contact numbers for his parents and obviously knows them very well. Another one is we were planning an break, completely not related to the dc, and I posted that I was excited on fb, tagged my bf in it and within an hour she was playing merry hell that the dc weren’t included. The dc are far too young for the activities on the holiday and bf takes them away loads throughout the year anyway.

Over the weekend, things have come to a head with bf. There honestly hasn’t been a single date we have been on or a time we have been together which is lots that she hasn’t text or rang. It’s about things to do with the dc but things that could wait til handover. Also her interfering and seeing everything on fb that we do really grates on me. I ended things with him but he was very reluctant for things to end. I gave him an ultimatum of telling his ex that you will only be answering urgent texts or calls about the dc from now on and to unfriend her on Facebook. He refused saying i was giving him headache. Wibu ending it?

OP posts:
SillyLittleBiscuit · 02/12/2019 08:08

Not unreasonable to leave at all. Move on!

Duchessgummybuns · 02/12/2019 08:09

YANBU. This sounds like a nightmare situation and if she’s the mother of his child she will never go away.

TheNameGames · 02/12/2019 08:15

I would end it. Why is he still friends with her on Facebook so she can see what’s going on between the two of you? What’s the point? It can’t be a contact thing if she has his number and can phone/text/WhatsApp/harass him

PixieDustt · 02/12/2019 08:17

Nope. Move on. She sounds like hard work and so does he

Original poster
TotallyDoneWithThis · 02/12/2019 09:43

Thanks for your replies. This morning he was texting asking what I expected him to do regarding the texts from the ex and Facebook so I reiterated to tell the ex to only text if it was urgent - otherwise things can be discussed at handover and that there’s no need to be friends on Facebook, especially when she uses it to spy and to interfere. He didn’t reply.

OP posts:
pumpkinpie01 · 02/12/2019 09:48

I was in a relationship like this once, there wasn't an evening out where she wasn't texting /calling it just sucked all the fun out of dating someone. I really would move on , she is hell bent on ruining your relationship and he is allowing her to.

Original poster
TotallyDoneWithThis · 02/12/2019 10:20

@pumpkinpie, it really is just like your experience. It’s not fun anymore. He refuses to see why her texting is a problem and says he told her about a month ago that she should only text in an emergency. I told him that she obviously didn’t take heed as she’s still texting every time we are together and it’s not an emergency. He just doesn’t see the issue.

OP posts:
littlepaddypaws · 02/12/2019 10:39

it comes across as he likes the fact she's still interested in him and he's flattered, hence he doesn't stand up to her properly.
i'd call it a day on this soap opera tbh.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 02/12/2019 10:43

Run.
they're both twats and as bad as each other.
leave them to it.

actually, they should get back together and save anyone in the general dating pool from having to deal with their horseshit.

Original poster
TotallyDoneWithThis · 02/12/2019 10:48

He actually says it’s all in the interest of his dc that he doesn’t challenge her behaviour. He has them four nights a week and she doesn’t seem very maternal so if he challenges her this wouldn’t affect him seeing the dc or anything except her maybe going off in a mood for a few days.

OP posts:
areyouafraidofthedark · 02/12/2019 10:57

You've had a year of this and it won't change anytime soon I'm afraid. Cut your losses and move on. He doesn't need to be friends with his ex on social media or replying to any contact not regarding the children.

Oldfail · 02/12/2019 11:05

I mean If you really want to try with him as a minimum he could change his fb settings so she cant see stuff on his wall

Honestly I wouldn't bother. I had an ex who was still on constant contact with the ex... he got her pregnant while still seeing me. Wish I left him sooner tbh

SandAndSea · 02/12/2019 11:14

It sounds like he's not yet available for a proper relationship and you're obviously not happy. I would end it.

PenguinBollard · 02/12/2019 11:20

He's tied to her because of the kids for a long, long time.
So unless you're okay with coming after not only his children (which is fine) but ALSO his ex (completely unfair) for the next 15+ years, I'd walk.

He sounds a bit of a waste of energy anyway.

Original poster
TotallyDoneWithThis · 02/12/2019 13:52

Thanks for your replies. He is totally against unfriending her on Facebook. He won’t budge on that one. For whatever reason they need to be on Facebook I will never know.

OP posts:
Winterdaysarehere · 02/12/2019 13:57

Seems he is enjoying using you to wind her up....
Ltb for good op.

Original poster
TotallyDoneWithThis · 02/12/2019 14:01

I really like his dc, that isn’t a problem at all. It’s the ex and his total lack of boundaries which is the problem. He seems to think I’m being over the top when I get pissed off about it.

OP posts:
Andysbestadventure · 02/12/2019 14:01

Are you sure they're not just friends? Which can be a totally normal thing? Or sorry are you suddenly not supposed to be friends with the other parent of your children just because there's a new partner on the scene?

Get a grip. Honestly.

Original poster
TotallyDoneWithThis · 02/12/2019 14:04

If he doesn't take her off Facebook there is no way I’m staying. Plenty more fish for that nonsense, though wouldn’t it be lovely if he saw it from my point of view that I’m not indeed being a pain the arse but trying to save a relationship from crashing? He doesn’t get how disrespectful it all is her still being so much in his life unnecessarily and interfering in ours.

OP posts:
Original poster
TotallyDoneWithThis · 02/12/2019 14:05

Andysbestadventure, you don’t understand what she is like. It is constant, non stop. She has no boundaries and he won’t set any. If she sees us out she will kick off massively texting him non stop and telling him the dc are being over the top naughty.

OP posts:
OrangeZog · 02/12/2019 14:06

YABU. Next she will be wanting to decorate your Christmas tree!

Original poster
TotallyDoneWithThis · 02/12/2019 14:15

Ha ha ha @orangezog!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 02/12/2019 14:20

Seems to me he enjoys the attention. Dump and run.

Ihavetoomanyfeelings · 02/12/2019 14:21

He's already made it clear he doesn't see the problem with her constant presence? She's jealous and possessive and her trying to include the kids in all your plans together is her attempt at ensuring you don't get quality time together, but nobody can question it as she can throw back the classic 'im just thinking of my children!'. The calls are what happens when she can't get her way and another attempt at her creating distance between you.

He's already said he doesn't see the issue so why are you still trying? This is way too much drama to be dealing with and won't change as she'll always have kids with him, so will always have a tie to him. Unless of course he puts his foot down and insists on a respectable distance that most parents have when separated.

But he isn't going to do that is he? you can't turn around now and say 'unless you stop replying to texts and tell her not to contact unless it's an emergency I'm leaving' because you've already told him that and it's not happened when he said it would.. why would it happen now? You said you've already left before and gone back to him, how is threatening to leave going to change anything? You've already proven to him that saying that means nothing as you always go back..so where do you draw the line?

You need to just leave and not go back, it won't get any better and your partner has no intentions of reducing contact with her, it sounds like he enjoys the attention.

billy1966 · 02/12/2019 15:14

OP, he doesn't sound worth getting upset about.
This will always be an issue.
I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of even being upset.
Just reiterate you "can't be arsed".

Move on and don't waste any more energy on him.💐