To feel Wendied by my own DH?

[MentalHealth101]

Hi,

Prepared to be flamed but trying to work out through my feelings.

I’ve been married for 7 years. Before that DH and I knew each other briefly through a cultural thing That happened yearly and so our families knew each Other but veryyyyy breifly. DH added one of my brothers on Facebook but my brother never accepted him!! Until after we hit it off and got together.

My relationship with my 2 brothers is a bit confusing. We come from a broken home and they had this anger issue with my parents and so things got sensitive between us because I was trying to “keep the family together” and so I spent a lot of energy and time trying to reconnect with my brothers who were my best friends in childhood and didn’t want to lose. I have no sister and my family mainly constitutes of them and I was there go to person when they’re going through difficulty.

When I me and DH got together I tried to encourage them over to our house ( we are all in twenties) because they were going through depression as our parents were being a bit weird. I put so much energy and effort.. I was keen on them to get closer with DH and feel comfortable and I catalysed the whole thing by making sure I make the environment soo pleasant and spent so much money secretly without burdening DH because I wanted him to also like them and want to go on holidays all together, in a bid to win my brothers over.

I found that DH and then hit it off, and initially that made me very happy.. but with time I noticed that DH was rather taking over the whole conversations, I was practically ghosted in their presence aside from hosting everything.. even my own mother would sit with DH sharing information that I onlt find out from him later.

Now my brothers would answer his calls but won’t bother with me. And that’s their fault.. but I feel DH tends to take over my relationships in general and I can’t put my finger on it.

In the cultural event, I used to be a volunteer.. well recognized for who I am. Always playing with kids and if anyone needed help they would approach me as I am educated in Oxbridge and that’s a rare thing in that group. DH is an Oxbridge graduate too. But ever since we married I have become “DH’s wife” and all help that used to come to me now goes to him..

But it’s not that he is passive about it, he seemed to have stolen my crowd! It sounds sooo bizarre but he has left his circle of friends and focused almost entirely on my brothers and my circle and I seem to have lost them all.. and I don’t like it. It feels like I have become a nobody ever since I got into a serious relationship with him.

I know this sounds all like a playground and I’m pretty ashamed of how I’m feeling. I have hinted to DH that I’m angry at my brothers for not calling me when they wanna visit and not answering my calls and instead almost exclusively making all their communication to me through him.

I don’t know what I expect from him. I feel I’m Being VV unreasonable and am scared of the flaming. But I’m usually a very reasonable person but perhaps this situation has hit a nerve with me and I’m trying to dig deep and figure out what needs to change.

I don’t do much about it but it grates on me everytime I now visit my family home and everyone acts all excited to see DH and make conversation with him while I’m left behind trying my best to join while being interrupted by my own DH who takes over single handedly.

I mean I’m also upset at my siblings as they should be interested in me and what I have to say too, so the lot of them are annoying me. I feel like to them I’m a very boring person but I never used to be and nothing changed for them to see me as such. Me and DH are extremely similar in many ways and I do love him, but I wish he would step away and keep his own friends and mix with mine but not in a way that excludes me.

Would you feel the way I do? What would you do if so?

AIBU?

Sorry for the typos

I promise my grammar isn’t that bad, I’m just breastfeeding and sleepless and couldn’t scroll up to read through my post before pressing send!!
🙈

Have you told your husband how you feel?

It feels like I have become a nobody ever since I got into a serious relationship with him.

From what you wrote, you were already "a nobody" to your brothers/family even before you got into the relationship with him.

^^ To clarify, in no way do I think that, but just from what you wrote it sounds like you got shit on a lot in the past and now it's continuing but in different ways. I would personally hate to be in this situation. Interfere, and you become the bad guy but let it go and you're the one being affected. I don't think you're BU at all, I would hate this. But I don't have any advice for a way out. I hope it gets better for you though.

💐 x. Have you tried talking to your DH about it?

Thanks for everyone who responded.

I’m trying to work through my feelings so I can figure out what I actuallt want. I think my DH would find it confusing and in afraid it’s going to make him self conscious for no reason.

But he is aware that he is their preferred person because when I call brother and he doesn’t pick up he says “ I’ll call him he will pick up with me I’m sure”.

I do think DH is enjoying this dynamic which makes me upset with him.

I think if he’s enjoying it, that’s really off. He’s enjoying being important over you having good family relationships. I think it’s time for a serious chat with him.

I’d hate this too.

Are you from a culture where men are held in higher regard than women? What culture is your husband from?

You mentioned culture a few times. Is your culture one where this is quite a standard thing - where men take the lead?

Wow I’m glad I started this thread I had no idea I was going to be told YANBU.

I will answer questions in detail tomorrow. Thanks for all the responses I feel a bit validated .

Your husband is disrespecting you by cutting you off and your family is responding to that dynamic in the way families often do with dominators.

You will be better able to talk with your H about his inappropriate behavior if you look into the Freedom Program lessons about dominators.

How long have you felt this way? You mentioned breastfeeding; has having an infant to care for contributed to you feeling a bit isolated?

I think it’s so important that you talk to your husband and solve this together. It’s great that they (your family and community) love him and have a connection with him like they did with you, but that should not mean that you get left in the dust. He should be mindful of this and not always steal the stage.

Your husband is behaving badly, but your family are helping him do it. The fact that your husband is enjoying the fact that your brothers will talk to him but not to you is appalling.

And want to add; sorry this is happening and YANBU!

Sounds like your brothers took you for granted and left you high and dry once they got a "cooler" person. And if your DH doesn't know you feel bad about that how can he change his ways or commiserate with you?

As for the group, it sounds like you need to assert yourself a bit more or he's a complete arse. It could be both.

YANBU. You are right to feel this way. Could you make a tonne of friends at work or outside of the family and never let him near them?

I think you’d benefit greatly from some therapy around this issue. Just you. Sounds like you’ve got a lot of FOG (fear,obligation,guilt) around your family of origin, and it’s colouring your marriage too.

Once you’ve got your needs and boundaries figured out, then you go and communicate them to whoever you like.

You might also want to make some new friends, who don’t know your family members or DH. Keep them outside the home. It’s perfectly normal to have book club friends, or other groups that don’t come to your home. Mothers groups seem a good idea if you have an infant?

Either way, it’s time to stop worrying yourself sick over facilitating other adults’ relationships. Leave them to their own devices and let it sink or swim on its own merits. Be responsible for your actions and feelings, not anyone elses.

Congrats on the new baby!

Without knowing what your culture is can’t really say if this is normal or not. For example I can say it’s definitely not normal in Indo-Pakistani cultures for married men to give up their friend / family circles to focus on the wife’s. In fact it’s usually the female partner who makes ‘sacrifices’ to get involved with her husband’s social circles — and yes a lot of the time she may end up becoming the one everyone prefers to go to directly if they need things (especially with family). But it would traditionally be considered weird for a man to do this and have only really seen it when men are controlling / abusive in some wayz

So what's he like as a DH? Does he override you on things or does he fade into the background when the spotlight isn't on him?

Dollymixture22 I think I generally have a difficult time putting my finger on things and expressing how I’m feeling until it’s become overwhelming and I’m no longer able to be calm. So I’m sure I’ve confused him somehow. But he knows I’m upset about the situation generically but he doesn’t realise he can help. Can he ?

TheNameGames thanks for your kind words. Maybe you’re right, While my siblings didn’t put much effort with me but I did used to feel “special” to my family in a way or maybe I convinced myself. But when my DH entered my life it became blindingly obvious that there was nothing I can do that would make me as special in their eyes as a man and that’s annoying me.

Smelborp it does feel like he is enjoying being important over me having healthy relationship with my family. But at times I excuse it and say perhaps he genuinely doesn’t realise how he has contributed to this dynamic? It took me a while to recognise why I’m feeling negative and so I think I might’ve been passive aggressive about it and might’ve confused him. I fall short when it comes to communication and perhaps expect people to figure this stuff out by themselves as I would’ve. But I think DH generally struggles with social cues to some extent so maybe I should step up the communication. Just not sure how.

Aquamarine1029 it’s not usual in my culture for a girl to be dismissed and undermine by her own family Infront of her husband, on the contrary special effort is made to show him how important she is so he values her. My family are really a unique case. But yes in the culture of both our parents men and women have different roles. As GiveHerHellFromUs mentioned however the dynamic im used to is that people go through the woman if they want anything family related. We aren’t cultural me and DH as much and to be fair the new generation are carving their own paths and we are one of those.. but what my family are doing is unusual. It is perfectly fine to make my DH feel “important” while still being respectful of me. I’m currently a SAHM which I wonder at times if this contributed to the dynamic of them treating me like I’m a shadow of my DH, as most women in my family are currently working (though took time off when with small kids). But my family have been told bluntly before that I find them disrespectful and marginalising me. Some effort is put on and made for a little while then my DHs eagerness makes them feel like the only one having a problem is me- therefore unimportant.

Creepster DH is a decent man who grew up in a family where the dynamic isn’t a good role model for relationships however he acknowledges that and from the beginning he was working with me and taking initiative telling me how we want to be different. However my family are adamant to be redirecting him to his role as a control freak and dominator which in all fairness to him he has been consistently ensuring he doesn’t want to be throughout. I don’t think he realises what this dynamic does to me and how it ends up making me feel vulnerable- which it does. In all fairness I feel if I can have a calm discussion with him about it he will understand. I’ve had one in the past and when things were quite obviously aggressive with my family/relatives he was adamant to do something about it as he found that disrespectful.. but I didn’t want him to I wanted my family to not need him to “step up for me” before they act with respect. In all fairness DH doesn’t see what I’m seeing and he already has a habit of taking over conversations when there is someone that would entertain it and rest would be left behind. I think it’s something I need to figure out how to communicate without overwhelming emotion behind it.

Creepster thanks for the pointer. While I don’t recognise DH as a dominator necessarily but the point where he “seduces her family so they won’t beleive her” hit a nerve with me. I don’t think he consciously does this at all. But this is what happened to my mother which resulted in her being stuck in a relationship for so long and it’s a dynamic I dread. I think she doesn’t realise her and my brothers that they’re passing down this dynamic unto my relationship. Their way of “bonding” with son/brother in law is undermining to me I feel. And even though I can’t blame him and say he is “seducing” him as I feel the effort is mutual and perhaps more form my family but I can certainly agree with the effect that this makes me feel like my family are quite biased towards him and that makes me feel very vulnerable especially when I face difficulty in my marriage. I guess it makes me feel like I have no support and that my family will turn against me. So far DH and I have a good relationship but we went through a rough patch recently which made me realise this dynamic means If push comes to shove I’m all alone.

HannaYeah yes I just want him to be mindful. This has been going on for two or three years. I was pregnant with my first child when I first felt this way.. I wonder whether you are right and motherhood had anything to do with it. It also coincides with me leaving work at the same time for health issues when I had been successful and independent. I will be back to work when my second baby is a little older. She is a newborn still

I’ll respond to the rest later in the day. This is taking me some mental gymnastics. Thanks for all the help.

Hi YANBU

It sounds like your relationship with your brothers isn't where you want it to be, and their treatment of your husband is magnifying this, it's a direct comparison and its natural its going to sting. I dont know anyone that would be hurt when their family wouldn't answer the phone to them but would to your husband (which is horrible of them, answering the phone to someone when you have just ignored someone else living in the same house is obviously going to get found out and hurt them).

I think you need to start distancing yourself from your brothers, it sounds like you have made a lot of effort and they just dont reciprocate, and if it carries on you are going to feel more and more rejected.

I also think your husband isn't showing much empathy here. Why would anyone want to be close to someone who constantly (albeit subtly) rejected their partner? His saying 'oh I'll call them, they'll answer to me' is basically saying 'they like me better than you, ha' to your face. So I do think there is an issue with him, hopefully its because he is just not thinking through how it affects you (ie thinking more on solving a problem of how to communicate with them, rather than thinking oh she must feel shit when they speak to me in favour of her).

I think you need to sit down and tell him how you feel. If you want to distance yourself from your family because the dynamic is not healthy for you and how you would like his support. How exactly him getting on better with them makes you feel. And work out a strategy for how you deal with him. If they text him, it could be 'I'll ask 101' and then you reply. If they dont answer your call, it could be you both agreeing to no contact until they answer it, or if they call him, you answer the phone

To be honest though even if you get him and your family to change their behaviour I think the issues will remain and I'm sorry, but I dont think you will ever have the relationship you want with your brothers. So I think you're both going to have to distance yourselves from them so it doesnt hurt so much

The red flag to me was him interrupting you in front of others.
That is a show of disrespect in every culture.
He knows this and does it anyway.

Hey OP :) Hope you're feeling okay today. Thanks for the replies, it clears a lot up. I still don't have much to advise I'm afraid but if I was in your situation I would:

1. Tell DH to ignore calls from brothers and family members. And if not, then tell him to 100% refuse to communicate any plans regarding you through him, preferably by him telling them directly that need to contact you if they want to make any plans or if he's not brave enough, then he should act like he doesn't know any plans so your family is forced (what a horrible term in this context ) to contact you directly.

1. Seek help on yourself. The language you used in your OP reads like you think that this situation is all because of you = helping your DH to integrate with your family means you were a catalyst for what has happened, ashamed over your own feelings when, from what you've described, you have nothing to be ashamed about (I'd be heartbroken if my family 'disowned' me like this for my partner)

1. Be involved less with your family. Yes, they're your family and technically you should be close but from what you wrote they don't sound very interested in you. Why should you bother to waste your energy being interested in them? I'm sure there are plenty more people out there who would be way more genuinely interested in you and want to get to know you and I'd be focusing my energy on them and enjoying life with my new friends (and existing ones).

I've been through something similar to this with an ex and the amount of comments I got blasting me and putting down future partners in favour of the ex was excruciating but very luckily it was only from extended family who I don't have much to do with anyway and didn't know the full story and my immediate family were nothing but supportive to me and on my side, so I can only really imagine what you are going through and how you are feeling. Like you, I don't know if he was doing it deliberately but it was still real and my emotions and how I was feeling about it were valid. You can love someone but unless either he changes, your family changes, or you bottle up your feelings and just passively accept what is going on, nothing is going to change. Nothing.

I think it must be very tough and sometimes isolating going from independent career woman to being a mommy, even while it’s also rewarding.

Also suspect that a DH might enjoy the extra attention since often the mommy is getting it from everyone around while pregnant and once the babies arrive they are most dependent upon and attentive to you. You must by rights have less attention to give a husband during this time, also.

Meanwhile it would make sense that people in general are asking less of you, because you’re busy with the babies. There must be some component of this where they just don’t realize that it doesn’t feel good but instead comes across as being forgotten.

I hope you can talk to him further and that he will understand so that you can work together to gain back more of a balance.