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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect a bit more support from him?

18 replies

TriJo · 01/12/2019 23:07

I'm ill at the moment, an absolutely horrible chest infection which has had me off work for a week and I'm 7 days into a 10 day course of strong antibiotics. I'm coughing so much literally my whole body hurts from bracing itself and after 2 DCs my pelvic floor ain't what it used to be so I'm having to use pads for the leaks. Just setting the scene.

My DH is stubbornly refusing to give any extra help. At the start of it he was pestering me about running even when I was literally telling him my chest felt rattly, and because his brother was visiting piled the kids in with me so I was risking waking them up with my coughing. I've had to do all the cooking and laundry myself, the vast majority of the childcare (he took them to soft play yesterday, that's about it) and he's deliberately playing up how tired he is even when he knows I badly need rest so he can lie on the couch with his phone. One night I didn't have the energy to cook and ended up paying for takeaway because he was too lazy to even try and cook something. I've asked him to do more but it's not happening.

AIBU to think that basic support from your partner when you're unwell is something you should expect?

OP posts:
Icanflyhigh · 01/12/2019 23:11

YANBU

Your DH should be looking after you x

Happyspud · 01/12/2019 23:12

If what you say is true he’s a shit, selfish partner.

venusandmars · 01/12/2019 23:55

YANBU

What else can I say? Marriage (or any relationship) is supposed to be a partnership, where you are mutually supportive, kind, thoughtful, helpful - even when you don't feel like it.

The key word is mutually it's all about equality, being reciprocal - and not in a tit-for-tat way but in a generous and giving way - creating balance.

There is none of that in your post. You are ill, he is a selfish knob.

TheSmallAssassin · 02/12/2019 00:28

YANBU, I've been known to take to my bed even when I've just got a cold and my husband not only makes the tea he will bring mine up to me in bed (and then do all the clearing up afterwards). He's not perfect, but he wouldn't dream of leaving me to do anything when I'm ill and I do likewise for him when he's poorly. What a bastard your husband is. Does he have any good points?

Original poster
TriJo · 02/12/2019 07:52

TheSmallAssassin At this stage it's hard to say tbh. We were friends, got together 8 years ago, married 4.5 years ago and his behaviour is becoming increasingly selfish over time.

OP posts:
Oldbutstillgotit · 02/12/2019 07:55

@ TriJo unfortunately in my experience people like your husband don’t change . My ex was the same in his selfishness. Every time you let him away with something, the boundary is pushed even further . Take care.

BuildBuildings · 02/12/2019 07:59

That's really selfish behaviour. It's also hurtful because it's like he doesn't give a shit about you. Is he normally this selfish?

MojoMoon · 02/12/2019 09:14

It sounds like he firmly believes children and housework are your responsibility.
His respect for you is declining as you have become "mother/maid" rather than partner.

The illness has brought this to a head.

You deserve to be treated better. Most men/partners do not behave like this. Please hold on to that thought as he will undoubtedly try and make you feel like you are unreasonable or unrealistic for demanding better from him.

Youseethethingis · 02/12/2019 09:26

This lazy article is literally the dregs of the male sex. The only ones lower than him being the actual criminals. He is being a shitty, shitty human being to you, the person he is supposed to love, respect and care for. He’s a complete and utter disgrace.
It’s not a lack of support or help OP. These are things he should fucking well have been doing his share of as standard The fact that he doesn’t think your illness means he should perhaps step up to care for his family because it’s all a bit beneath him, the Big Important Man.... I’m livid on your behalf OP!

Nanny0gg · 02/12/2019 09:58

I hope you feel better soon and then I hope you take time to sit down and evaluate the situation.

It's not going to get better.

Original poster
TriJo · 02/12/2019 11:58

I've been signed off work for another week anyway at the GP this morning so I suppose that's something. Feel like I need a nap after docs and a sneaky Costa though!

OP posts:
Original poster
TriJo · 02/12/2019 12:00

NannyOgg Serious conversations are going to need to be had, sooner rather than later. If this is how he's acting regarding a bad chest infection, what will he be like if heaven forbid I was diagnosed with something more serious?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 03/12/2019 23:35

Good luck OP. I think you're going to need it.

plightofthealbatross · 03/12/2019 23:45

FFS. Pack a bag and tell him you're going to stay with a friend/relative/in a hotel for for a few nights and try to recover in peace since you can't get any help or support or rest at home. What a selfish wanker.

And how hurtful to see him caring so little about you and your well being, the mother of his children, while he sits on his arse playing on his phone assuming you'll continue to sort it all out whilst barely standing.

EKGEMS · 04/12/2019 00:21

Plight has the winning post of the night! You're shackled to a right bastard! I have had quite serious life threatening medical crises throughout our relationship and my husband has been truly amazing. You deserve better.

ScreamingBeans · 04/12/2019 00:37

He doesn't sound like he loves you. People who love other people don't treat them the way he's treating you.

CoupeCourte · 04/12/2019 04:18

Yuck he sounds really selfish, how unappealing! You deserve to be looked after, not have more work piled on top. When you say cooking and laundry do you mean you're cooking for him, washing his clothes? Because personally I'd stop that right now. He's treating you like a maid not his wife. If he doesn't take care of you, why are you taking care of him?

I'm not saying this in a smug way, but I am genuinely baffled by the number of MNers who have men in their lives who refuse to take care of their unwell partners. I've known some shit men, but none who would ignore their sick wife. It's just a fundamental in a relationship - not that everyone would want the same level of care, I quite often want to be left alone to feel sorry for myself recover, but what's the point of a relationship with someone who kicks you while you're down?

NightLion · 04/12/2019 04:29

What a lazy, selfish shit. He should take charge of the domestic front whilst you are ill. He should also do his share when you are better.

These threads are full of lazy, selfish men. It's so depressing.

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