Is it ever ok to break promises?

[pigdogridesagain]

Long story short, I think it's never ok to break a promise unless it's completely unavoidable. Dp thinks nothing of making a promise and breaking it when it no longer suits him to keep it. He does this in all areas of his life not just our relationship. When he does this to me he then makes out I'm being unreasonable if I expect him to stick to his promise, AIBU?

Anyone?

What are the promises? Stuff he agrees to when you've backed him into a corner, or 'I promise I won't smoke crack/sleep with your best friend/will pay that outstanding council tax bill'?

Depends on what. Promising to give you a massage not being too tired, ok( the first time anyway).
Promising to be faithful and cheating, not ok.

Apart from marriage vows I dont think dh and I make promises. What does he promise?

Ever ?? Yes, there are circumstances where you just can't carry on doing something you previously promised.

Frequently ? No

So much of this depends on what sort of things you are talking about.

@gobbynorthernbird

They range from silly things to serious promises! I just think that if you make a promise you keep it unless it's completely unavoidable not to. I think it's more the acting like I'm totally unreasonable and unfair if I expect him to keep them that pisses me off. I don't understand why he bothers to make them in the first place if that's what he's going to do.

@BackforGood
It's frequently, they range from silly insignificant things to really serious promises about our relationship.

Impossible to answer unless you can give examples.

Long story short, I think it's never ok to break a promise unless it's completely unavoidable. Dp thinks nothing of making a promise and breaking it when it no longer suits him to keep it. He does this in all areas of his life not just our relationship. When he does this to me he then makes out I'm being unreasonable if I expect him to stick to his promise, AIBU?

Which constituency is your DP standing in?

@Ohyesiam
They range from the things you mentioned to anything in between. It's not just our relationship, he thinks nothing of doing it to everybody in his life.

This is why I never make promises, always say I will do my best.
I think you should tell him to stop making promises.

@TheSandman

Are you talking things like he said he would put up the shelves this weekend, then never got round to it? If yes, always expecting people to do everything they say is being unreasonable as sometimes other things get in the way.

But promising to be faithful, then YANBU

If he is breaking really serious promises about our relationship
then he doesn’t respect you and is not serious about the relationship

I guess what I'm asking really, is this a red flag for the kind of person he is? He's not forced to make promises, and I have asked him why he bothers if he doesn't mean them. He just shrugs his shoulders and does it anyway

@Ohyesiam
Yes he does that, that's what I'm thinking as well. It has got to the point in the past where I have tried to leave because of it, he just won't leave me alone and says he's sorry and will try to not behave like it again. Then he's back to his old ways within a few weeks.

He sounds like it’s just a glib throw away line to him.

I honestly can’t think of a promise I’ve broken. But I rarely promise to do or not to something. And can’t imagine making someone else do so.

@UrsulaPandress
I never makes promises that I can't keep, I just wouldn't do it. That's why I'm struggling to understand his behaviour in this respect.

Adults don't really need to keep making promises, do they. You just get on with it, whatever it is.
The more you say about the situation, the more I think he does it because he thinks it makes him sound convincing, and that is a red flag for being a liar or a con artist.

You might find these books useful if you are dealing with this kind of situation. You can download them or read them online;

Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker
tinyurl.com/GiftoFear

Lundy Bancroft - why does he do that?
tinyurl.com/LundyWhy

@Inebriati
Thankyou, I never thought of it like this

He sounds flaky.
I grew up in an era (and in a community) when it was hugely frowned on to break promises whatever they were.
It was essential to keep your word and to not let people down. So as a result I tend not to mix with people who break promises or don't keep their word because I feel they are untrustworthy. We called them 'fairweather friends' - only there when it suited them ... !! Gah! The worst kind.
I couldn't be with someone like your DP for those reasons.

YANBU - my understanding of a promise is it's binding. That's the whole value of a promise - it's something you stick to even though you no longer feel like it/it will cost you much more in time/money/inconvenience than you thought when you made it.
Fwiw, my ex was like this, he once flippantly said promises are like pie crusts, made to be broken. Not my view at all. He was a nightmare to live with because he'd make a promise and expect all the kudos that came with him having made a commitment, then later on he'd adandon it. He broke his marriage vies in the end too...

*vows

My dad used that phrase, but ‘easily broken’. Which has a slightly different slant.