On myself?

[Skye109]

Hi,
Feeling fragile here, so please go easy on me!
Ok, my DS is 10 yes old now. A happy, smiling, calm, gentle, affectionate, intelligent, engaged child who enjoys life to the full.
We have a very close, loving relationship.
Problem is, I'm agonising over what mistakes I must have made when he was a baby.
By day, he was calm, happy, smiling, giggling, content and playful.
But by night, he cried and cried and cried. He would cry for hours and hours on end. From his very first night after being born. It would start at bedtime and go on all through the night. Every night. For 1 whole year.
Once he was 1, it reduced to only crying some nights for an hour or two.
Once he turned 2 he started sleeping through.
So now he's 10, I am wracked with guilt about what the hell did I do wrong? I was a first time mum. I didn't know what on earth to do. My HV and GP couldn't advise me. My HV referred me to a 'sleep group' where HVs taught sleep techniques but the techniques didn't help at all.
I breast fed on demand. I lived him completely and utterly. I did everything I could to make him feel safe and loved and well cared for.
In the days, I cuddled him constantly, I talked to him, smiled at him all the time, sung to him, played with him, took him out and about with me, visited baby groups, enjoyed bathing him. He was so happy and settled in the day times. People would remark about what a contented happy baby he was.
So why did he spend 12 months screaming all night?
I would cuddle and hold him, comfort him, love him, soothe him, I spent nights on end cuddling him whilst sitting in my rocking chair, gently rocking him, I tried swaddling him, I fed him whenever he was hungry, I had his Moses basket and then his cot right next to my bed for the whole 2 years. I laid right next to him so he could hear me and know I was there.
I was a calm, relaxed mum. No anxiety, no PND. Our home atmosphere was also calm and relaxed. Colic medicine made no difference at all. Winding made no difference. A consistent bedtime routine of bath, cuddles, feed, bed, made no difference.
So now I'm older, and 10 years have passed, and I've had more babies since then (who've both slept through from day 1 with no problems!), I'm worried to death that I didn't help him properly when he was distressed at night. He used to get so upset, why couldn't I help him? Why didn't I know what to do? I keep going over what I should've done differently to help him. I didn't co-sleep in the same bed as I was scared of sleeping too deeply and rolling over on to him, or of him turning and dipping in to the bit of mattress where I laid, so I put him in his basket/cot in my room, but now I think should I have put him in bed with me? Is that what he wanted? I never once tried it, was I depriving him of the close contact he needed at night?
Also for a period big time I put the Moses basket at the end of my bed, just because of the layout of our bedroom there wasn't room next to my side of the bed, was this cruel? Did he get frightened by this? After a while we changed the room around so his basket could be right next to me. It made no difference to his crying. But now I think why didn't I just move the room around immediately and have his basket next to me from day 1? I don't think I was thinking clearly as I was so sleep deprived.
And my husband didn't know what to do. He used to put him in to a warm all in one and put him in his pram and go for a walk round the block with him at 11pm at night just so I could sleep for an hour before spending the rest of the night awake with him.
I used to sit on the sofa in the lounge cuddling him whilst he would cry and cry and cry because our neighbours, whose bedroom was on the other side of our bedroom (semi detached house) came round and complained bitterly at us that they were being sleep deprived for months on end. They fell out with us and accused us of leaving him to cry on his own all night, but we never did this, we always held him and tried to calm him, but they refused to believe this!
I'm seriously worried that a year of such trauma at night must have caused problems with his brain development. Surely if a baby cries and screams for hours on end every night for 1 year this will affect brain development? Or self esteem? Or feelings of security?
I see no evidence of it now, but he's still a little boy. Could it have affected him in ways that will come out when he's older/an adult?
Why didn't I know what to do to help my baby?!

Stop agonising over this now! You did absolutely nothing wrong. Some babies just cry at night. Especially if they have colic or reflux or just basically because they cry because of no apparent reason whatsoever.

He's 10 and sounds like an amazing boy! You did a great job!

If you're feeling so low about it and can't pick yourself up then maybe have a chat with your GP as you may have a bit of depression and you're latching on to these memories.

But please be more gentle on yourself. And remember all the amazing things you've done with him.

Some babies are just noisy twats no matter what you do.

But gobbynorthernbird do some babies just scream all new guy for no reason? For 1 whole year??
I've never ever in all my years of parenting and 3 children and all the mums I know ever met anyone who says their baby did this!!!

• meant to say all night long! Not all new guy!! (predictive text to blame)

do some babies just scream all new guy for no reason? For 1 whole year??

Yes. Some do. I was one!

OP! Have you been worrying about this for a DECADE? Stop! Some babies are shitty sleepers, some cry FOOOOOOREVEEER, your son is fine!

He can't have screamed the entire night every night for 12 months. He must have slept at some point. Just like your other children have have slept through from day 1. Your memory is skewing this.
My non expert opinion is it could have been reflux.

In the kindest possible way, it isn't normal to agonise about this so much 10 years later. Could you seek some help for this?

I've only recently started agonising over this.
Because the last 10 years have been full of looking after babies and I haven't had the time or headspace to think about anything else.
But now my third and youngest has just started preschool, it's kind of given my mind room to think about stuff. And after my next 2 babies slept so well, it's made me think how abnormal the nights were with my first.
And I'm questioning why.
He kind of did scream all night. I'm not exaggerating. He'd scream from 8pm till 1am, sleep for 15 mins after a feed, then I'd gently lay him in to his cot and he'd instantly wake up and scream for 2 hours, then sleep for 15 mins, I'd put him back in his cot and he'd wake up and scream for another 2 hours, then he'd fall asleep around dawn for a few hours till about 8am. Then he'd sleep for another 3 hours late morning/lunchtime to catch up.
Our neighbours twice came round and banged on our door at 2am!! Furious and demanding to know why we were leaving him on his own to scream all night! When in fact we were right there with him holding him and soothing him but he just never stopped screaming even in our arms! The neighbours moved out after a yearly and told us the screaming was affecting their mental health!

My dd screamed all night long. She had silent reflux. She screamed most of the day too though.

It's in the distant past now. You really shouldn't be worrying about this now. You sound so calm and patient. I lost my shit on many occasions as I couldn't cope with the screaming and lack of sleep. You should be proud of yourself.

We also had a complaining neighbour!

Thank you seven201 for your kind words.

I don't feel at all proud though. I feel like I really let him down and failed him as a baby.

He never cried in the day. He was so happy every single day! He NEVER cried in the day! That's what was so weird!
My friends used to say 'wow he's so chilled and content and happy!' when I saw them, in the day time obviously.
Do you think crying and being distressed at night for a year could have affected his brain/emotional development?

You really need to stop agonising and catastrophising about this. There was nothing you did that was wrong. Some kids just do that. They're resilient little buggers though, as you can see from his current disposition.

Don't beat yourself up. What you should do is take an outside look at yourself and wonder why it might be that you're needing to find something to beat yourself up over? That's what it looks like from here... please work it out and solve the real problem, whatever's stressing you or causing you to doubt yourself like this.

Mine did, she had reflux, meds didn’t solve the problem. She didn’t sleep more than 40 mins at a time and screamed ALL NIGHT. It was hideous. I feel guilybut shes now a happy healthy 9 yr old and doesn’t remember a thing.

Apparently I was the same as a baby. I don’t remember it.

Aw, OP, please try not to agonise over this! According to his mother, my DH screamed for the first year of his life, and arched his back and flung himself away if anyone tried to hold him.

He’s turned out very well adjusted and has a perfectly good relationship with his mother, too!

You did nothing wrong. My youngest did this but through the day. He slept quite well at night, during the day he never stopped. He was the unhappiest baby I've ever met and I look after them for a living. I came up with all sorts of reasons. Milk allergy, colic, reflux, constipation, teething, anything I could think of.
You did nothing wrong.

Could have been reflux with your ds, but if he was fine with feeding through the day, I doubt it.

Well thinking about it, when I fed him in the day, I breastfed sitting upright, and as soon as he stopped feeding I immediately put him upright to pat his back and wind him, and then he'd remain upright in me, or if I needed to do stuff I'd sit him upright in his bounce chair.
It was only at night that he'd feed and then I'd lay him down on his back.
Could this have made a difference with reflux?
Would reflux last a year?
Why wouldn't the HV or GP have suggested this I wonder. I asked their advice enough!

Ok I just looked up reflux, and also silent reflux, in babies.
He had none of the symptoms listed.
Thanks for trying to think what it could've been.

It's not crying and being distressed that causes babies to develop problems. It's being left to cry and cry and cry without being comforted. But you comforted your son every night. That meant he felt secure and loved. And he is secure and loved. Please don't beat yourself up, OP.

Yep, what the previous poster said. You haven't created any damage.

Honestly you sound like a spectacular mum, I think I'm pretty good but I would have lost my shit. Honestly, I nearly cried at the tenderness and love that poured out of your post.

Honestly, if this thread doesn't stop the way you feel you NEED to access therapy. Your son is fine, you did nothing wrong and your anxiety about it now (if it continues) isn't the norm. Don't let this build and eat you away

You honestly sound like a brilliant mum, please just be kind to yourself

I had screamers, a night time screamer (8pm til 1am) and an all day but worse in the evening screamer, couldn't put dd down so I wore her in a sling from 7am-10pm every day. My dad said he didn't know how I coped -i was on my own.
Sometimes the do just cry, really don't think I've damaged them psychologically by not finding the cure. There's no point going over it and there's nothing you can do now anyway so if it's really effecting you now 10 years later you might want to talk to a professional.

Hi @Skye109, you sound like you've got yourself into a real pickle over this - let's just look at the facts:

• You gave birth to a healthy baby boy around 10 years ago.
• Your son cried for extended periods at night, for around a year.
• You identified every possible cause for his distress and were able to rule them all out.
• As there was not a clear reason for your child's crying, you (and your DH) used the following methods to comfort him: cuddling, soothing, sleeping nearby, breast feeding on demand, taking him for late-night walks (I'm sure you also tried a million other things!)
• Despite all of your efforts, your son continued to cry at night.
• You suffered from a chronic lack of sleep for a full year.
• Your neighbours' sleep was also disturbed by the crying and you got the impression that they believed (incorrectly) that you were not attempting to soothe him.
• You sought advice from your GP and HV, neither of whom (in spite of being the 'experts'!) were able to make a difference to your child's night-time crying episodes.
• You were not suffering from either PND or anxiety during his first year.
• Despite his distress at night-time, your son was a happy, contented baby during the day - as confirmed by people at baby groups etc.
• Your son is now a happy, healthy 10-year-old, who exhibits no signs of any mental health, attachment or behavioural issues.
• You have gone on to have 2 more children, neither of whom had the same pattern of sleeplessness and night-time crying as your firstborn.

So, from this, we can conclude that you did everything you could to try to resolve the problem, it was not caused by you, otherwise your next two children would have exhibited the same pattern of crying and if there had been an underlying issue (other than 'some babies just cry'), it was resolved at around the 1 year mark.

You have 3 healthy children. From your OP, it sounds like you've done a really good job of raising them so far, so why are you suddenly obsessing over this (undoubtedly distressing, but pretty ancient) history?

Has something happened recently? Have you suffered a bereavement, changed jobs (or gone back to work), changed (or starting to think about changing) your DS's school? Has your son been in trouble, been acting differently? Are you going through a tough patch with DH? No need to tell us, but have a think, cos I believe something or someone has undermined you or you're feeling insecure suddenly and your subconscious has latched on to this time when you felt 'out of control' or 'not up to the task' and is forcing you to go over and over it (quite unnecessarily and obsessively I think, if you're honest with yourself) in order to distract you from whatever the real and current issue that's going on is.

In this instance, I think that your current cyclical thought pattern is indicative of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Anxiety and you would absolutely benefit from talking to a professional to help you to address things and move forward. Having these sorts of thoughts is completely exhausting and the mental load is huge. Can you see how your brain is trying to keep itself busy with this 'old news', in order to stop you from having the time or 'head space' to deal with whatever is really going on?

In the meantime, I would suggest coming up with some 'mantras', in answer to these intrusive thoughts. So, whenever your brain starts on its loop of "I must have been a terrible Mother when my son was a baby because he cried every night for a year, it must be my fault, I should have done things differently; I should have tried x, y and z" etc., you need to have some responses ready to go. For example;

"I am a good Mum, my children are happy and healthy," or "I did everything I could, even the experts couldn't resolve the issue".

Call your surgery tomorrow morning and get yourself an appointment with your GP (remember, if you call the moment they're open, most GP's Surgeries will have some same day appointments available) and make sure you tell the Receptionist that it's regarding your Mental Health and you need to speak to someone today. The sooner you begin to address these thoughts, the more quickly you can get on top of them and start to feel back in control.

Sorry it's so long, but I hope you manage to get some IRL help ASAP. My firstborn was a 'Crier' too; 6pm till 11:30, every evening from 4 months old for nearly 6 months, almost without fail. I remember feeling pretty broken by the exhaustion and the feeling of not being a good enough Mum. She's 12 now, and like your DS, shows no ill-effects. Some babies do just cry. But as I say, I suspect once you dig, even a tiny bit deeper, you will see that your son's distress 10 years ago, when he was just a baby is just a distraction and not the issue.

I really do wish you all the best.

Thank you all for your advice.
I will take on board what has been said x

Couldn't agree with @betsybignose more if I tried....

I tend to obsess over things like this from years, sometimes decades ago when there's something more current that's upset me on some level. I latch onto it too.

Hi OP

Its human nature to try and find out why. But trained professionals including doctors couldn't work out why your son was crying! So no wonder you couldn't. You're going to have to accept you will never know why, I'm afraid.

If he had been left by himself it may have affected his development but you were there to comfort him and he would have known that, so there would be no attachment issues or anything.

You have said yourself, he is happy and intelligent. I'm not sure why you think his development would have been affected? He sounds like he is developing really well! I'm sure you would have noticed if there was anything the matter.

I am not a mental health professional but it seems to me like you say, this is the first time you have had to reflect on the experience (which sounds horrific by the way) and your brain is just processing it. It was awful for you to watch your baby so upset and you are projecting your feelings about it onto your son and looking for issues that aren't there. I'm not sure how you get past this but talking about it is probably a good first step

You say your son is a lovely 10 year old. I'd not worry beyond that.

I had a different screaming problem but I found the cause: I discovered that air conditioning affected my daughter: walk into the bank = instant LOUD screaming, walk out screaming stops immediately. Walk back in screaming starts. Ditto Argos, swimming pool and various other buildings.
I don't worry at all about the long term effect of making her scream while I queued to pay in cheques every week , although I did feel sorry for the public. I can blame her lack of swimming skills to the fact she hated swimming pools till at least 4 or 5 and never enjoyed swimming, but I did make her do lessons tills he could swim 25m.