To think my parents aren't doing my brother any favours

[Ladykady]

My parents are great and really try their best, and have given me a very good life. But my 17 year old little brother is pampered to within an inch of his life and i'm worried he will struggle when my parents are elderly/no longer with us.

Our town centre is a 20-25 minute walk. My brother does no exercise whatsoever (in 6th form so they dont have to do PE) and is now in the obese category. Admittedly he is very tall but wears XXXL. My Dad drives him there and back every single time. He never walks or takes public transport anywhere, no other sport, our Dad is essentially his driver and his lack of exercise is unhealthy.

My brother is not a troublemaker which is great, he is very intelligent and does brilliantly at school, we are proud of him.

However, he treats the home like a hotel. Whenever I come to visit, he leaves bowls, plates, packets all over the floor. Has a shower and leaves towels on the floor, and my parents allow this. He has never been asked to do a chore in the house in order to earn pocket money, he cleans his room once in a blue moon but has never helped in the house whatsoever.
He eats whatever he likes, and at least now cooks his own food sometimes as he often doesn't like what my parents are having.

He is also old enough to have a part-time job and earn his own money, but he refuses to as he knows my parents will fund anything he wants.

I have frequently tried to get him on walks, to come to the gym, anything, but he refuses. I know he's almost 18 now so it's difficult but i'm disappointed at my parents for allowing him to become obese.

He has everything handed to him on a plate and wants for nothing, and when he's an adult in the real world things aren't going to be like that.

I just worry for him, i've mentioned the weight issue to my parents in the past but nothing has changed. It's their home, their choice I know, what else would you do ? Or is there nothing I really can do ?

I have similar concerns about my younger sister. She isn’t overweight though. In fact the very opposite and doesn’t eat enough and is very very skinny.

But yeah, she’s 16. Only in college 2-3 a week on a one year course with little coursework. The other 4-5 days a week she just sits around doing nothing whilst my mum is at work and her siblings at school and college and does absolutely nothing around the house. I just can’t help think that she could get a part time job but they buy her absolutely everything she wants (my mum and stepdad). New phones, new clothes, make up, music concerts etc. The very least she should do some chores.

When I was that age I was working and doing a-levels. I had to work because if I didn’t work I’d have no money for things because they never give me money like that.

Maybe I’m just a bit jealous. Again, they live half a mile from college bus stop and pick her up. Run around after her.

They are also giving her unrealistic dreams that in a year or two she will be loaded from running her own business (Great if she could but she has no money of her own).

They also keep telling her she should find a rich man to ‘keep her’. Supposedly like I have.

^^ I haven’t. I moved out and became financially independent at 18. I met my long term OH at 20 and in recent years I’m a stay at home mum to two children with additional needs. Apparently I’ve been lucky. Yet they seem to forget I worked hard from an I incredibly young age and moved out when I was so young. We aren’t well off. but are sensible and generally financially secure.

I feel like they are giving her false hope. Things have to be worked for.

Your brother is probably very aware he is overweight. Maybe he’ll sort that out himself soon 😃

Could you be a positive role model for him? Do you go to the gym and could invite him to come with you? Or a sport or hobby like cycling, running, football, etc.

Teenagers need positive role models but those role models don't have to be their parents. Actually often it works better if it's not their parents.

Do you have an inspiring life? Home? Career? Do you know anybody with shared interests who could mentor him in anyway?

Sometimes people need to be inspired, and it can help you build a bond with them too. Be that by seeing a band or abseiling or going to a car boot sale.

I can see why you’re concerned, but this really is a situation of your parents and your brother’s making.there really is nothing you can do. Try to disengage from it.

My parents were the same with DB. He is now 30 and still the same. He is in education still and has worked for about 2-3 years of his life. He isn't overweight but eats junk all day long and his health/skin is really bad because of it. He does not eat any vegetables...not even potatoes. He refused to shower more than once a week from late teens until late 20s until thankfully a GP explained that one of his skin conditions was caused by sweat because he wasnt washing enough.

He leaves everything where he drops it, his car (paid for by parents) is filthy. DM hovers it out every fortnight for him. They have turned him into a lazy man child who has never had a girlfriend and is very unlikely to get one. I left home at 17 and glad I escaped it though I do find it pretty hard to keep a house tidy because we never had chores or responsibilities in teenage years. It has made me overly strict with DS2 who has to put his washing in the washing basket and all dishes away/rubbish in the bin!

Thanks for the advice. I think he is aware of his weight but I know that the older he gets, the less my parents can do about that.
I do try to encourage him but he just point blank refuses. He's off to uni in 2 years' time so hopefully that will help things a little bit as he will be having to take care of himself !

You can only talk to your parents and try to get them to see reason, but apart from that you have to back off

I have an almost-18 year old ds and this is how we do things as he is lazy. But we've just made it the Way Things Are!

Gets himself up and bus to school. Bf he's better at this than 16 year old dd2. Has list of jobs in the house - laundry (he does his own), dishwasher, cooks dinner once a week (with my help as he is learning recipes), picks up round the house in prep for cleaner coming, he runs to the local shops for me. Was quite anti exercise but has chosen Higher PE as a subject this year (in Scotland. The PE teacher has been a bit of a mentor for him)

Left to himself he'd do very little of this. But lots of gentle chivvying is making him into a pleasant and helpful young man.

It's sad your parents don't do this as it's just going to backfire. What is he planning to do after college? How is he going to cope leaving home?

I have an almost 18 year old brother in the same situation apart from the overweight issue. He does just eat crap though and can't use a knife and fork properly as my mum used to feed him until he was about 8.honestly not joking about that. He goes to college a few days a week but get driven around everywhere, bought anything he wants and treats my parents as slaves, which they are happy to be. I have tried talking to them and explaining they are doing him no favours as he has extreme anxiety and can't do anything for himself which I blame them for but honestly I have given up now. Sorry thats probably no help at all but I really don't think there's anything you can do. Me and my other sibling loved out when we were 17.

I was driven everywhere at 17 and my parents still cooked my meals as I was still living at home. My room was messy. 25 years on I am a fully functioning adult with a good job and 3 children of my own. I’d worry if it’s still the same in a few years if I was you.

I thought you were going to say he was 30 not 17 😀

I never had to do anything when I lived with my parents. It did effect me negatively as I didn't know how to run my own home. Im mid 30s now, I do keep a nice home but i still find it hard. I also find cooking hard. And struggle to manage my finances. They taught me none of these things. I want my kids to grow up contributing to the running of the household.