If I move in with him?

[Nightfli]

Long time lurker but first time posting. Me and my boyfriend have been together for about a year and half and we have a 1 month old together. We are young parents I'm 20 and he's 19.

We still live with our parents but me and son stay over at his at the weekends. My parents arnt being supportive. They told me not to put him on the birth certificate as he wouldn't be a good dad (he is). And have told me multiple times to break up with him and to not let him see son. Their reasons are because he's a bad influence on son. And they said that he forced me to not have an abortion and he's made me ruin my life (son was unplanned But boyfriend didn't force me to keep him).

I am fed up with them. Would I bu to move in with him as his mum? What should I do

Your parents sound vile but they are probably thinking they have your best interests at heart - you’re both adults , do what you want but if the relationship does end expect lots of I told you so’s

Does his mum want you living with her?

If it all goes wrong would you be able to go back to your parents?

Why do they think he is a bad influence?

He said that his mum won't mind. They used to say he was a bad influence was because he used to drink underaged and misbehave at school etc (they knew as my mum used to be friends with his mum) but now I'm not sure why.

First off I think you need to sort the wheat from the chaff as far as your parent's criticism of him.

....as he wouldn't be a good dad (he is)
Why do they think this? Does he do drugs? Drink too much? Does he work? Does he help you with day to day childcare?

Their reasons are because he's a bad influence on son
The baby is only 1 month old, he can't be a 'bad influence' on a 1 month old. But does he get impatient? Shout if baby cries? Does he not hold/cuddle the baby?

And they said that he forced me to not have an abortion
Did he influence you against it though?

....and he's made me ruin my life
How? Did you give up education? Quit a good job?

Once you've really thought these things through and been brutally honest with yourself about the affect he's had on your life, then think very hard about what life would be like living with his mum. I'm not saying she's not lovely, just that it can be hard having 'two hens in the henhouse'. And also consider whether or not your BF will side with you or with his mum.

Don't make a huge decision simply because you're miffed at your parents. You could be going from the frying pan into the fire.

Have you posted this before??

Acrossthepond makes excellent points above.

He said that his mum won't mind.

This is a conversation you should have with his mum in person. It's not up to him to invite you without her explicit agreement.

This conversation should include how you both contribute to the household chores and finances.

He said that his mum won't mind

A vague half-assurance via a 3rd party is NO basis for a permanent living arrangement.
Neither is dissatisfaction with your relationship with your parents.

If you want to make a go of it with your partner, what is stopping you from moving in together without having to rely on parents?
Money? - does he work?
Reliability? - how much childcare does he currently do?
Organisation? - have you talked about the possibility of renting somewhere together? Has he suggested this? If so, what concrete steps has he taken toward achieving it?

Until you have had a good think & a good talk about those questions, & the @AcrossthePond55's questions above, I don't think you should move in together.

I understand that your relationship with your parents isn't ideal at the moment, but that can change in time, if your partner steps up & starts to prove them wrong. But you don't know how it would be living with his mum: the dynamic may be no more positive for you. At least you know your own parents have your back - even though they are expressing that in terms you don't want to hear right now.

How is it when you stay over at his at the weekend? Have you talked to his mum about you being there all the time? What does his Dad think about the arrangement?
Lots of questions but you can sort out the answers.
If you are on benefits these would change if you were living together, can you afford it?
If you love each other you will work it out and you will find a way to be together as a family.

Yes he works. He doesn't drink or take drugs. When I stay over he is helpful and give son a bottle in the night or changes his nappy. He doesn't shout at son and does hold him. He doesn't go to mine as my mum said he isn't allowed.

I haven't spoken to his mum about me moving in but I would. His mum and dad arnt together.

I haven't posted this before.

I'd actually look to get your own place, see if you can get on the list for social housing or what it would take to rent somewhere privately if you're not in too expensive an area. Living full time in someone else's house is going to be very difficult all round.

I agree, you are parents now, you need to think more like you are the adults. You need to sort your own housing situation. Have you looked into social housing or private rental? If you two lived together, what benefits would you be entitled to, what sort of property could you afford?

Are you planning on working or returning to education once your baby is a little older?

Dont just move in with his mum, at best that is a 1 year plan. You are the parent now, you need to be thinking longer term, even if you cant achieve that longer term plan straight away.

No i haven't looked at renting or anything. If I did move in with him and his mum it would only be for a few months or so. I am going to go back to work when son is a bit older.

@Nightfli I am going to go back to work when son is a bit older.
It sounds as if you have things worked out. Talk to his mum and make sure she is happy for you to live there all the time until you and DP can afford to move out. Don't move unless you are sure and try to make sure you don't make your parents angry as if things go wrong you might want to go back to them for a while.

Then if you are sure that he's all he should be, the three of you (him, you, his mum) need to sit down together and talk this through. What will be expected of each of you; what (if anything) his mum would expect you to pay towards household costs, sleeping arrangements, and what would be expected as far as housework, cooking etc.

You just don't want any surprises and don't want to go into it having different expectations.

I think the key here is to not burn any bridges during this period of your life when you may very well need a strong support system.

You need to talk to his mum in person about the potential move. Not through him.

You also need to talk to your parents about the potential move. Not in a confrontational way (e.g. not "If you won't be nice to my BF I'll move out!) but in a problem-solving way (e.g. "I've been thinking about staying with BF and his mum for a while. Here's how that would work.) and explain to them why you think it's a good idea.

Moving in with your 19-year-old BF's mum is probably not a permanent solution, but I'm sure you know that. I'd focus on using the stay at her place as a way to get back on your feet after the birth, allow your child to bond with its other grandmother, and then start looking for a place of your own.

I would repeat what a PP said about not burning your boats with your own parents. They are maybe very worried about you and baby.

I don't see why either parents should be providing housing for people who are old enough to be parents themselves. You and the father have to provide for the baby and that includes housing. You don't say if you have other siblings staying in your parents' house. If he used to under age drink and other things your parents would not want any siblings thinking that is the way to behave.

Nightfli in the nicest possible way can I ask if your parents have any reason to feel upset at your pregnancy at 20?

Did you have plans, job, travel, uni etc that have now had to be shelved or postponed indefinitely?

Were they nice when you were growing up, kind? Or have they always been unsupportive?

It sounds like they are being horrible and unsupportive now and maybe they are!

But also maybe they expected you to leave home and make a career or whatever and they feel you are quite young to be a mum or they are quite young to be grandparents?

Maybe they feel you rely on them too much, or not enough!

As you will find out (when baby is older) parenting can be very hard. YES babies are hard but trust me older kids are harder in a different way! I expect your parents have some 'issues' around you becoming a mum quite young but I hope you can all work it out.

They will have to work this out themselves and it may take time.

You are living with them now, do they help you, do they give you reduced rent, no rent, do they pay for things? Try and find a way to make your peace with them, even if you choose to move out.

You may need their support and help later and I agree with someone who said, don't burn your bridges.

When I was growing up they were supportive but when I got with boyfriend they weren't. Yes I do have younger siblings but he doesn't drink now or anything.

My parents don't help me out but want me to pay for things and give them money.

Lots of helpful advice from posters. I just wanted to add if you do move in with your boyfriends mum make sure you agree: whether you are paying rent, whether you are sharing food etc. You also need to keep everything tidy, wash up dishes, do your own laundry. This will make living together easier

My parents don't help me out but want me to pay for things and give them money

Well, you are an adult now. Unless you're in full time education I think it's acceptable for them to ask you for a reasonable contribution to the household. And you should offer one to your bf's mother.