Unsure, AIBU?

[NCforme]

(NC for this)

This is one of those times where I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not!

Husband and I (parents of a young DC) are going through a period of trying to re-stabilise our relationship after a bout of depression and related stresses, and us discussing possibly ending the relationship, though we’ve made the decision to stick with it as it’s still what we both want if we can work through what we need to.

For various reasons, we’re also currently living mostly separately (DC with me) for a temporary period but with no exact end date in sight yet. He stays with us when my sister who we’re staying with is working away, normally a few nights a week.

He has gone out on work Christmas party tonight and was due to be staying with us for next few days. Doesn’t have a key yet so I received a call around 11pm to say party starting to wrap up so should be back soon if that’s still okay as he would still like to stay with us. I said I was up watching a film anyway so that would be fine.

Haven’t heard a thing since. Now I know it’s easy to lose track of time, etc etc, but given the situation we’re currently in, I can’t help but be a bit pissed off. Especially as I’ve received no further contact to say party is still going or any other explanation.

We live in the centre of town, so around a 10 minute walk from party venue, but where he’s currently staying is further away, if that’s relevant. Not sure if he has his key with him.

I know I’m well within my rights to just fuck it and go to bed, but would rather not have to without knowing what time he’s going to turn up and if he’ll knock me awake or will have phone battery to call.

Do I just chalk it up to getting carried away with the merriment/losing track of time and leave him to it, or am I right to be a bit annoyed?

Hate to bump but, anyone with any calming words? 😂

Has he turned up? Can you phone one of his friends to check he is ok?

Still no sign!

He is terrible for losing track of time in general and is a little social butterfly so I wasn’t really coming at it from a safety angle, does that make me a terrible wife?

No not at all your not a terrible wife. I was going off my own partner who this would be so out of character to do this. If he has form for this I would just go to bed .

I would hazard a guess that as the party wound down some bright spark suggested going elsewhere to have 'one for the road' which, for the weak-willed, can so easily turn into considerably more than one.

After telling you that he'd be 'back soon' I'd be miffed at the absence of any further communication from him, but I would have gone to bed by 1am and let him take his chances as to whether he could rouse me if he fetched up later.

I suggest you call it a night, OP, and leave the question of whether he can rouse you in the lap of the gods.

Hide a key somewhere & text him so you can go to bed. YANBU he is being thoughtless (although probably just a symptom of alcohol!)

I would be pissed off, go to bed & assumed he wasn’t coming back. How rude of him

Thanks guys, glad I’m not just being overly grouchy!

Thanks, Muted. He does have form for getting carried away unfortunately, possibly why I’m so irritated on this occasion given the surrounding issues as well.

I did debate leaving a key outside but there’s just nowhere I’d feel safe to do so. And no idea if his phone is alive to tell him I have!

You’re right Don, I probably should’ve gone to bed already! I’m aware I’m quite possibly too considerate of others to the detriment of myself sometimes, something I’m trying but struggling to work on!

Felix I wish I could be that tough sometimes! Logically I know it’s absolutely a problem of his own making and he’s a big boy, but ultimately I’m a softy and I think I’d just be worried he couldn’t get in here or at his.

Go to sleep and tomorrow leave him in no doubt that his lack of consideration isn’t on.

You’re working things out, you say. Now might be a good time to redress this balance. You’re not a facility to him. You’re his wife.

You're definitely NOT a 'terrible wife', OP.

It seem as if he's acting well within his character, but even if he was acting out of it I wouldn't be rushing to call his friends, hospitals, police etc as the most likely explanation is he's got carried away with festive good cheer and alcohol induced camaraderie in the company of his colleagues.

I’d go to bed OP and keep your phone with you in case he does manage to text or call you. I’d say this was pretty inconsiderate behaviour & I would be pissed off. Hope you get some rest.

You aren't a terrible wife. He is very inconsiderate.

Just go to bed, and tomorrow read him the riot act when you see him.

7salmon You might be right, I can certainly see how this will look to others. What would you have done in my situation? Not allow him to stay in the first place with it being the night of the party, tell him when he called that coming here wasn’t an option past a certain time? This is where I struggle with knowing whether I’m being too nice initially or I’m just being considerate and it’s then a case of leavingir down to him to return that consideration or not.

Thanks, Don, I certainly won’t be! I know it will sound like a justification of his behaviour (though it definitely isn’t!) but I do think he has all good intentions and genuinely does just lose all sense of time. I’ve known him to call me twice with a good number of hours in between and think it’s been an hour. But I suppose I feel he should have made more effort this time.

Being considerate to, and of, others is a positive quality that I wish more people possessed, but when that consideration is extended to the detriment of your own needs it becomes a mug's game, OP.

He could be partying till dawn or passed out on someone's sofa while you're missing out on your beauty sleep, in which case where's his consideration for you?

Thanks Hearts and Topseyt.

I'd cut him some slack only because it's his works Christmas party, but he's in urgent need of a rant lecture to the effect that 'manners maketh man' and a man without manners isn't worth having.

I think you’ve probably hit the nail on the head there, Don! I often struggle to know where the line is between just being considerate of others and caring for them in the way I wish to be cared for, and making a fool of myself.

And I think that’s exactly why I’m annoyed, I’m sat here doing this and debating what to do, whilst he hasn’t even remembered to update me on what he’s doing, and I’m also arguing with myself over whether he’s plain and simply being a dick, or I’m being too harsh and need to just let it go as one of the hazards of Christmas parties!

Use this as an opportunity to assert yourself then! You have a right to sleep more than he has a right to be out late, not communicate with wife and stop her sleeping!!

I hope you got some sleep & he is apologetic today

Jeez I would have texted him when the film was over that you were off to bed and the key is X. And not thought about it again!

Sod that. I'd have sent him a text by 1am telling him to go home to his own place and that you were no longer waiting up. Do you really want to take up with him again given the inconsideration he shows?

I don’t understand why he doesn’t have a key? All this could have been avoided if he had a key to the place where he lives with you part time.