Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Social Services

56 replies

ssndnfn · 30/11/2019 21:56

I was at the hospital the other day while dc1 had an operation for a hernia, while dc1 was recovering in the cubicle they fell asleep on me and dc2 who's just a toddler was running around and dh was struggling to keep dc2 in the cubicle at one point he was on the phone and dc2 ran off again and he picked dc1 up by one arm and put them back on the bed, I was shocked he did this and several nurses witnessed this.
Do you think they would have made a referral to Children's Services? and do you think they would take the dc's over this I'm so worried and upset with him.

OP posts:
pastabest · 30/11/2019 22:26

I've had to pick my child up/ move my child by one arm on odd occasions. Usually if they decide to do something dangerous when I've only got one arm free myself.

It's not ideal but the nurses won't have thought anything of it. It's not a crime, it's not neglect etc. Social services wouldn't do anything about it unless there were other concerns or if some kind of harm had actually occurred.

ysmaem · 30/11/2019 22:28

Doubt they would call SS over this.

Boots20 · 30/11/2019 22:30

If he hasn't done anything like it before then stop worrying, I understand why you are worried but I can also imagine someone being distracted by phone call/annoyed by toddler continuing to run off and using free hand to life toddler up by the arm, it was a mistake of course but as a one off it's not as dramatic as some mumsnet people will tell you it is. I imagine it's more fear that it was in a hospital setting and you are probably already stressed/anxious after your other childs surgery. Toddlers are hard work, partner should have put down the fone but hey ho we all make mistakes & toddler wasn't hurt.

mumwon · 30/11/2019 22:31

it was silly but in the scheme of child endangerment requiring medical staff reporting him to ss - umm - really??? No - unless he was screaming at dc & acting in a threatening manner & dc had their arm dislocated …

Original poster
ssndnfn · 30/11/2019 22:32

He picked dc2 up by one arm and put them on the bed, there's not more to it but I would have thought that pretty serious as it's not how we treat our dc but I'm worried it looks like he is aggressive when he isn't. I have been googling too much perhaps it's the first time either of our children have been to hospital and I'm just worried we've made a bad impression.

OP posts:
Yesmate · 30/11/2019 22:37

It looked aggressive because it was. If it wasn’t you wouldn’t be concerned. The staff would have flagged it to you if they had concerns. Concentrate on your little ones recovery now.

DeathStare · 30/11/2019 22:39

OP.... many of us have at one time or another had to pick our child up by one arm. It's not ideal but sometimes needs must, or sometimes things happen so fast you don't have time to think of another option. It's not ideal, but it happens. Unless your DH was aggressive or violent or there were other concerns the staff would be highly unlikely to report this.

If the staff were concerned they would have said something to you at the time. If your DC2 had dislocated their elbow or shoulder you would have known about it - they'd have screamed the place down (and hopefully the staff would have examined them).

If the staff did report this, then chances are social services would do nothing unless there were other concerns.

Even if social services were to do something, their first response is never to remove the child unless there is no other option.

Please stop worrying. And if your DH is normally a lovely (non-violent, non-aggressive) father and husband who treats you and the children well, please do not (emotionally) beat him up (or yourself) up for this.

And please stop googling. It's not helping.

LolaSmiles · 30/11/2019 22:39

Parents picking children up because they're being a bit unsettled is totally normal.

Contrary to what you'll see on MN threads, even if they wanted to (and they don't), there's not enough money or staffing for social services to go around removing children for entirely normal day to day events

Embracelife · 30/11/2019 22:42

Send your dh and dc2 home.

Focus on dc2.

Go home when he is discharged.

Next time leave toddler at home.
If one child is in hospital the other does not visit until the child is recovering well and in the play room.

If dc2 is fine and it was not accompanied by shouting or aggressive behaviour then relax.

PixieDustt · 30/11/2019 22:44

They won't make a referral to SS.
Your hospital must be quite lenient to allow you all into the recovery room/ward after an operation.

Lessthanzero · 30/11/2019 22:45

I wouldn't worry about it. You can't get them to take kids away even if you need them too.

But, next time. Leave the toddler at home. It's fucking shit when your LO is in hospital and healthy kids are running around.

Toddlerteaplease · 30/11/2019 22:48

If they are referring to Social Care they have to tell you. If they didn't say anything about it to you at the time then I wouldn't worry about it. (Peads nurse)

Besidesthepoint · 30/11/2019 23:01

Why was he on the phone instead of either visiting his sick child or parenting his other child? Sounds very disinterested dad to me.

Original poster
ssndnfn · 30/11/2019 23:08

He really isn't disinterested at all, he was letting his mum know dc operation went well as family were all on tender hooks and was on the phone a matter of seconds.

Thank you for all the replies.

OP posts:
Yesmate · 30/11/2019 23:20

Either way, it wasn’t the right time. He didn’t handle the situation well and you know that.

Jodie77 · 30/11/2019 23:28

I think a lot of parents can be a bit short in those situations.

Are you worried about his behaviour at any other time? Is there any reason (like previous involvement or a close friends bad experiences or similar) as to why you are so scared of social services? Do you suffer with anxiety?

SpaceDinosaur · 30/11/2019 23:30

I'm possibly against the general consensus here OP but I had an incident similar to your described at work with a father and toddler. I was very uncomfortable with the father's actions and how the child reacted and so I did report the incident to social services.

Halo1234 · 30/11/2019 23:34

Not ideal that he did that. He could have easily said 2 secs mum and used both hands to pick him up. Or just took dc2 hand and lead them back without picking him up. No need for him to have did that. But its not something I think hospital staff would report to social services. U were there u saw it. If it was a stranger doing that would u report it to social services? Or just quietly think that's not great? Doctors and nurses are people too. If u didnt see violence they wouldnt have either. If u saw a parent acting aggressively they saw that too. If that makes sense.

Embracelife · 30/11/2019 23:35

Take it as lessons learned. You cannot supervise an active toddler in a hospital ward and make phone calls .

Next time dh stays home or you leave toddler with family or baby sitter. Toddler does not need to be involved with sibling recovery straight after op until sibling much better and ready to be up and playing.

Embracelife · 30/11/2019 23:37

But if you have other concerns about dh behaviour at other times then that would be something to look into.

Lifefallseasyonme · 01/12/2019 00:07

Sounds like a stressful moment and a less than perfect choice. Please try not to panic. Your system is probably flooded with adrenaline from the stress of the operation and now your over worrying. Your DH didn't actually hurt your child. He did something that could have hurt them, but thankfully it didn't.

Vehivle · 01/12/2019 01:03

I genuinely dont think social services will think any of it. Lots of us have picked up our child by one arm. Especially toddlers. I've done in it shops when hes tantrumming and refusing to walk and I've got one hand filled with shopping bags and the other grasping his hand. I've done it when hes tripped when I'm holding his hand and I've acted quickly to stop him falling to the ground. I've done it to get him into his car seat in tight spaces when I'm using the other hand to hold the car door so it doesnt scratch the car next to it. There are so many innocent scenarios where you would do this. When you're in hospital and your kid wont stop running off is probably one of them! Dont worry about it so much. It's not abusive and social services will not see it as such.

PumpkinP · 01/12/2019 01:08

I think some people are wrong on here, I was referred to SS by my local hospital and wasn’t told. So no they don’t HAVE to tell you. But no I don’t think they will call them over this

Bluelightdistrict · 01/12/2019 02:03

If dh is typically aggressive and violent with dc then yeh a referral might be a good idea.

How ridiculous Confused

I've moved dc with one hand before.

OP, unless you're missing something major out I can't see why you'd be worried about ss. What you've described wouldn't even warrant a referral ime

Oliversmumsarmy · 01/12/2019 02:30

The staff would have told you if they were notifying social services OP, so no need to worried on that score

No they don’t.

I was reported because Ds was home schooled and had missed a vaccination.

Apparently that is 2 red flags and an automatic notification.

After the visit whereby we were told they would take it further if we were reported again Ds refused to go to the doctors/dentists or see anyone medical as he took them at their word that if he went they would have 2 red flags and report him again.

Fortunately Ds didn’t need to see anyone.

Don’t know what would have happened if he did.

Still haven’t had that missed vaccination.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.