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AIBU?

To wonder why DD gets bullied

14 replies

AtSea1979 · 30/11/2019 17:40

I moved DD from previous school due to being bullied. I spent 2 years deliberating whether to move her or not and eventually did and she was like a different child, so much happier etc.
DD is now in year 6. She can be quite gobby and give withering looks etc. I try to encourage her to always be kind etc but I suspect she gets over involved in others issues etc on the playground.
Recently she’s been very tearful on and off, I put it down to hormones and when I tell her off she has outbursts like “now you hate me just like everyone in my class” “course i’m upset (insert name) has been mean to me” etc.
Today she has had friends round at the house and one of them said to me “why do you think everyone is horrible to DD”. Then there was a discussion where all three girls (not DD) agreed everyone did pick on DD. I asked if anyone else was getting picked on, they said no, not as much as DD. Examples being, name called, threats, hair pulling, throwing stones at her etc.
My DD is the tallest in her class, she isn’t your stereotypical victim, she’s outspoken and confident but I suspect it’s over confidence to mask how she’s feeling.
I spoke to teacher at parents eve last year who said it’s girls squabbling etc.
What would you do?

OP posts:
SeditionSue · 30/11/2019 17:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PotteringAlong · 30/11/2019 17:43

She can be quite gobby and give withering looks etc. I try to encourage her to always be kind etc but I suspect she gets over involved in others issues etc on the playground.

I think you might have answered your own question here, OP

Waveysnail · 30/11/2019 17:44

You said yourself that shes gobby and gets over involved in other people's business. Is she making herself a target?

LIZS · 30/11/2019 17:46

Year 5/6 girls can just be nasty. Do her friends stand up for her or argue back, is your dd too upfront perhaps?

GrumpyHoonMain · 30/11/2019 17:47

No point blaming the victim. The losers bullying her probably see this tall, confident girl who gives back as good as she gets (I bet she’s pretty too right?) and want to put her in her place — in this situation I would contact the school with names (get them from her friends).

KTheGrey · 30/11/2019 17:48

It sounds like bad luck. An awful lot of people get bullied at some time during school. However, it isn't acceptable because of that; get the school to share their policies on safeguarding and mental health and how they are implementing them. They have a duty of care.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 30/11/2019 17:50

Is she making herself a target.

Victim blaming at its finest. I am of course not saying that it’s okay to give “dirty looks”.
However does that carry a stone throwing and hair pulling penalty.

I think you need to go back in and have a word op. That is not just kids being kids that is abuse. By allowing it to continue the school are contributing to that abuse.

TacoLover · 30/11/2019 17:53

She can be quite gobby and give withering looks etc. I try to encourage her to always be kind etc but I suspect she gets over involved in others issues etc on the playground.

This might be why her classmates don't like her...

ddl1 · 30/11/2019 17:55

'This might be why her classmates don't like her...'


Not liking someone is one thing; throwing stones is another. If an adult had stones thrown at them, they would go to the police; and (I hope!) no one would be looking at it in terms of 'what did you do to make someone not like you?'

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 30/11/2019 17:56

Her class mates don’t have to like her. There’s no law that says you have to like a person.
However not liking someone doesn’t warrant bullying.

CherryPavlova · 30/11/2019 17:58

She can be quite gobby and give withering looks etc. I try to encourage her to always be kind etc but I suspect she gets over involved in others issues etc on the playground.
Sounds like she needs some coaching in social graces.

Reversiblesequinsforadults · 30/11/2019 17:59

Go back to school and ask for help. It sounds like she's overcompensating for lack of confidence and doesn't know how to interact that well. It's sounds like she might need work on self-esteem and social skills.
Also, it doesn't matter whether she's struggling socially, bullying or even picking on someone is not acceptable and you need to kick up a stink.

Witchend · 30/11/2019 18:04

She's obviously got friends if three came round to the house, which is interesting if they're saying "everyone" is mean-are they saying they sometimes are too?

I've come across a few girls who might fit the description here. They know the "right" way to do it, and they always tell people how to do it.
Some of them have everyone falling over each other to do just as they say.
Others seem to put others' backs up, and no one wants to do what they say.
There doesn't seem to be any difference in the way the child behaves, just in other's reaction.

What I say to mine is think about how you say something, not just what you say.
Using "I think" or "Is it" or "what about" sounds better than "This is" or "I know."
Example I remember watching a group of girls having just arrived finding their feet with a group of others. One asks where the toilet is: Someone says "I think it might be down there."
One child says. "No, it's not over there. It's up those stairs. I've already been."
The tone was very much "I am right, I know. You're wrong." You could see the first child was upset by the tone and the other children were bristling.
When they found that there was another toilet where the first child pointed, they then made clear that not only was there toilets there, but they were nearer and they preferred them.
The second child got upset because they felt the others were being mean.
They were being mean. I wouldn't deny it. But the second child's tone was actually quite nasty too, but I doubt they would have seen it. All they would have seen was themselves being helpful and telling their knowledge correctly.

Shoutymomma · 30/11/2019 18:05

I know a child whose parents are convinced she has always been bullied. Truth is, she has extremely poor social skills and comes across as really rude and mean. Parents are lovely - smart, kind, warm - but clearly don’t see her shortcomings. Having known other children like this, I know she will grow up to be a decent person with good friends, but her childhood is going to be tricky and it isn’t the fault of others. Just one example, of course.

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