AIBU or is this enough?

[Qualitystreetinbed]

Ex lives 10 mins away and sees the kids every weekend. Picks them up Friday evening, and drops them hope Sunday night. He has them every weekend because of my work, but we will change days when DS starts school in September so they get weekends with me. We split up in March 2019, in the beginning he would come round once or twice in the week, and they stayed at his Saturday til Sunday. But now it's just every weekend. Because he lives so close, I feel like he should be more involved, ie. pick them up from school a few times a week, have dinner with them, put them to bed etc.

And then he will ask to FaceTime the kids during the week when he's just sat in his house 10 mins away, why not come round and see them?

I've spoken to him about this several times, he steps up and then gradually goes back to his old ways. AIBU? Am I expecting too much?

Well yes. Because he doesn't want to do it. Other women may be not expecting too much of other men with those expectations but you're expecting too much of this bloke. If you weren't he'd be doing it.

I would expect a lot more involvement from him if he’s only 10 minutes away. Can you formalise it a bit if he is incapable of consistently seeing them? Maybe he collects them from school every wedesnday?

Is he consistent and reliable about the weekends? He sounds it.

I'm not sure why you're so keen to have him in and out of your home all the time. He's your ex. The fact that he recognises it's not his home anymore and FaceTimes instead just sounds like he's got better boundaries in place.

Is any of this connected to why you split up? Would he have done school pick ups in the past for example?

If he picked them up could they stay at his those nights?

It sounds like you actually want shared custody and a 50 50 split with having the kids.
Have you said to him you'd like this ? ( but bear in mind that as you both move on and have new partners, it may be too much for them to have your EX's constantly at your houses).

If not, then he's probably thinking that having them all weekend, every weekend is what seems reasonable, and he doesn't want to overstep in terms of being at your house.

Talk to him and set up a routine that works for you both. He sounds very sensible and reasonable and he clearly wants to spent time with his kids.

If not, then he's probably thinking that having them all weekend, every weekend is what seems reasonable, and he doesn't want to overstep in terms of being at your house.

^ This. He's seeing them often and Facetime in between seems appropriate.

Yes he has them all weekend every weekend, and he is reliable when it comes to that. There's been one or two weekends he couldn't have them stay, but he came round during the week to see them instead. I genuinely thought he would be more involved, seeing he lives so close and always talks about how much he misses them. This is why it annoys me that he FaceTimes instead of coming round, I've told him he's welcome to pop round anytime.

@spacepyramid would you really class every weekend as 'seeing them often'. If he lived in a different town I could understand, but 10 mins away? DS walks to his house. Don't know if I'm just being ungrateful seeing there are dads who don't see their kids at all

If he is working and paying maintenance, would you rather he cut his hours /your maintenance so he can collect them from school? I think you should be grateful he's doing what he's currently doing

Most people don’t put their children to bed in their ex’s house. Some, yes, when they’re young - but mostly no. It just sounds like he has boundaries to me.

Why haven’t you got a 50/50 arrangement, as it sounds like that’s what you actually want?

I am not sure why you want him coming round to yours and putting them to bed. This seems slightly odd. He probably wants to keep out of your hair when you have the DC. How many DC do you have and what are their ages?