Am I being unsupportive towards my partner?

[ASC123]

Hello! I am a regular reader of mumsnet threads however this is my first time posting my own on mumsnet:).
This will be a very long post. Sorry.
My situation is causing constant tension between my family to the point I feel we are about to break down!
I have an beautiful 3 month old baby boy, I couldn't love him anymore if I tried but I feel as if I'm on the verge of losing it as I have no support from my partner/father of my child whatsoever. We live together but he doesn't help me with our baby at all. I do everything. He won't change his nappy, he's only done it a few times when during my baby's first 2 weeks of life. Never bathed him or fed him, hasn't got up during the night once to care for him and I can barely get him to hold him for 5 minutes so I can jump in the shower. I don't mind looking after the baby solely on my own but it's hard work and very draining emotionally and physically. Along with this he does'nt help me with the household chores. Never washed dishes, never done laundry or grocery shopping and anything like that. He just leaves his beer cans, food waste and clothes everywhere for me to throw away or sort out.
What hurts me the most though is that I have begged him for some free time, some time to myself so I can go get my hair done or even just go on a long walk and he can watch the baby and he refuses, he always says I'm not ready to be a mum or I'm a bad mum because I want time away from my child.
He does work 40-50 hrs a week and very long shifts so he does come home very tired and he says the reason for him not supporting me is because he's feeling depressed and isn't ready to look after a baby. He claims he needs to work on himself first. Hes had a rough past, so I can understand where he may becoming from but I was under the impression that when you have a child you at least try and push that a side so you can provide and take care of your child. It doesnt even seem like he trying and he doesnt want to go get help, I've offered to support him in anyway possible. I'm not able to get much support from family either as they are very judgemental so I cant really speak to anyone about this.
I just want to know if I'm being unsympathetic towards my partner, should I be doing more to help him get better? Or should I just leave and focus on myself and my son? I want this relationship to work cause I want my child to grow up around his mom and dad but I'm at my tether. I'm crying all the time over this, I feel so down and I don't want my mood to have any affect on my child.
Sorry about the long post. Please don't be mean and thank you in advance for any replies I get.

Probably the most important question is do you love your partner? Do you actually want to be with him or are just just staying with him because you want the 'ideal' family unit.
If the answer is yes then you need to have a good conversation (non-judgemental) about why he isn't proactive in being a father and how it makes you feel.
If the answer is no then theres no need and you should start making plans to leave him because you're forcing something that isn't right.

I'm sorry you're having a tough time and it isn't acceptable that he's doing nothing for the baby or around the house.

Wtf. Didn't even make it to the end.

You're a single mum already. Kick him to the curb. You can do this what a useless prick.

DId he want this baby as much as you did? Was he planned? Depression sadly brings the worse in people, turns them totally selfish and kills any motivation or interest, even in those they deep inside love most.

However exhausting you must feel, the priority is for him to get treated for his depression, medically and psychologically. It sounds like he is scared to be alone with your baby.

I suspect this relationship works just fine for him as it is- he doesn't

He has to recognise and buy in to the changes before he can even start making them. How likely do you think that it to happen?

Believe me, as a single parent you will feel a burden lifted as you won't have to run around after a perfectly capable adult who can't be arsed with you or your child.

Don't even get me started on the "role model" your son has in his father.

You've two choices. Accept he's an unsupportive dick or leave.

He may well be depressed but what is he doing about it? He's clearly adding to YOUR low mood that's for sure.

Do you want your son to learn that's how you treat women?

Good luck whatever you decide!

I’m so sorry you have this kind of relationship.
Perhaps he is depressed- but he needs to sort that. Not you.
Calling you a bad mother is just cruel.
As pp said, you already are a single mother!
Is there anyone who he can talk to/get a bashing over the head from to get him to step up?

One thing I learnt along the way . Is you can only make a relationship work if both of you are trying.

He is giving you no support at all.

I left my ex when my Ds was 10 months old . Tbh I had less to do half the washing , I didn’t pick up clear up after him.

We got in our own grove and it was far easier for us.

I also was deperate for that complete family he used that to his advantage

You are a single parent of two children. Only one leaves beer cans around.

You are depressed. He may or may not be depressed. You are depressed because of how he treats you and the baby. His depression should not trump yours.

I want this relationship to work cause I want my child to grow up around his mom and dad but I'm at my tether. I'm crying all the time over this, I feel so down and I don't want my mood to have any affect on my child.
Growing up day to day around a dad who gives zero fucks about you isn't good for a child. A depressed mother is proven to be bad for children. So, leave him, be happy on your own. He can still see his child if he wants. Maybe he will be disney dad for a few hours a week. Maybe he will never bother with his child. Either is better than living with someone who should love you but every interaction shows they don't.

should I just leave and focus on myself and my son

Ideally, yes.

If he's serious about "working on himself", he needs to make a start by visiting his GP and working out what's stopping him from being a father. If he refuses to seek help, then things will stay the same and you need to give him an ultimatum... either he gets help to work through his issues, or you continue to be a single mother, but without the added stress of looking after him as well as a new baby.

should I just leave and focus on myself and my son

Another yes from me. I would feel so angry looking after this manchild. Stop doing anything for the lazy twat.

At a time when you are at your most vulnerable, needing practical and emotional help, he is showing he has massive, massive issues. I could list them all but it’s pointless. Because none of these issues are yours to solve. You don’t have it in you (nor should you) to help him as well as hold family life together.

Your priority right now is protecting your own (deteriorating) mental health for your sake, and the sake of your baby.

You need to get away from this man. He is a grown up (not emotionally but legally) and he can therefore see his GP, get his depression sorted and address his issues long term.

Can you stay with a friend right now?

Can you not stay with family? What do you mean when you say they are ‘judgemental’?

Staying in thus situation will end in nothing but misery. You can’t fix him and you need and deserve so much better than this.

He is an absolute dick OP. He may be depressed but he seems like he is actively trying to make you depressed as well. Telling you you're not ready to be a mum because you're asking for a little break is the most nasty manipulative and completely hypocritical thing I've heard. If you don't leave the resentment will grow and grow until you hate him and your son will grow up thinking women are there to serve men. You should mind looking after your son on his own as its heartbreaking for him that his other parent has let him down completely. Lots of men can and do 50 50 at home and with the children. This morning my husband got up with the kids to give me a lie in, did some baking with them even though he hates baking, and took them to a class. That's what a normal equal relationship looks like.

Is this a massive change in his behaviour or has he always been lazy and disrespectful with housework etc

Jeez. I'm a big fan of making things work once you have kids, but show him the door. This is very bad.

Honestly this is exactly why I ended up leaving my DS dad when he was little. I was a single parent who was married basically. It's not easy being a single parent but it's easier than being one whilst watching someone do nothing.

If you love him and want to give it a shot I suggest sitting him down and laying it all on the line so he knows how serious you are. If not I agree with other posters that start making plans to leave. You deserve more. So does your son.

He's a selfish,inconsiderate and nasty husband and a faux father. So the bastard wants you on the job 24/7 yet he gets free time? Fuck that shit I'd be divorcing him

Hi thanks for your advice.
Our baby came as surprise but during my pregnancy he was so chuffed and excited.
I've tried to talk to him about getting help from Gps and counsellors etc but he doesnt want it.

I'm going to be staying with a friend from tomorrow until we get this cleared up and I can think about the properly.
Thanks again for all the advice.

Wise move, OP.

Don't let him sweet-talk you back any time soon (I mean six months plus). He's got a lot of work to do to make himself fit for you.

That said, I suspect he was a twat well before he was depressed, if you reflect on it.

Good for you, OP. X

He is a useless, selfish prick who doesn't give a damn about you. You are just a maid and a servant to him.
I'd be off to live the happy single life witn me and my baby quite honestly. 'You know this won't get better don't you.