Would this BU?
Hangingwithmygnomies · 29/11/2019 22:31
Backstory so not to drip feed - BIL has decided to pretty much cut contact with all of his family after falling out with MIL last year, after she pulled him up on not being there enough for his 2 eldest DC (he has 4 in total 2 with ex and 2 with current wife) both financially and emotionally. Over the years, time between visits with his 2 eldest DC kept getting longer and longer. I believe SIL is responsible for this but BIL should grow a pair over it. DH is not bothered by the NC as he thinks his brother is a selfish prick who has accepted so much financial help from MIL and then treated her shockingly when he needed her no longer for money, blaming her for all if his problems. His 2 DC with ex he has only seen once in the last year, 8 months ago! The DC have now decided they no longer want to see him at all as he keeps letting them down and cancelling arrangements. Being 16 and 12, I guess they're old enough to decide that for themselves.
Despite this falling out, we still sent their 2 youngest birthday cards with money and text them on their birthdays. We never got a thank you or confirmation that the card/money had been received. They sent ours cards and money too but didn't text them, we messaged to say thank you. Recently it was his DC3 birthday so sent the card with money as normal, text to check the card had arrived safely, wish happy birthday and check for Christmas ideas. They have not replied and DH is really pissed off and said if they want to be like that, we're not going to bother sending anything anymore but as we still see the 2 eldest children now and again, we would still buy for them. This makes me feel awful as I don't like treating siblings differently and it's not the children's fault that we aren't talking. Would it BU to just get for 2 of them? I say yes but DH says no, as the 2 youngest don't really know who we are anyway as we rarely saw them before the falling out. Would be interesting to get others opinions on this as I'm really torn on what to do. For the record DH has no interest in sorting things with his brother
WorraLiberty · 29/11/2019 22:37
I agree the kids shouldn't be dragged into all this and that as you say, one day it might all blow over so best to keep things civil.
If your DH is adamant he doesn't want to send them anything, just send it from you as those kids are your nieces/nephews too.
Hangingwithmygnomies · 30/11/2019 15:28
Nice to know I wouldn't be unreasonable if I still sent them something. Youngest is 2, so would not know who we are.
Lllot5 so you'd happily stand by and watch your partner treat sibling nieces/nephews differently and not say anything? He's pissed off at his brother so says not to send those 2 DN anything. How is that fair to the 2 DN?
ActualHornist · 30/11/2019 15:31
I think you’re right. You either buy for all or none of the children - it’s not fair to punish the younger ones for being too young to have a relationship with you.
I’d be inclined to do gifts for all rather than none. Keep the lines of communication open, don’t blame the children for their stupid father.
WorraLiberty · 30/11/2019 15:51
Not your problem. Let him sort it. Worry about your nieces and nephews, if you have any, let him worry about his.
The OP is married, therefore they are her nieces and nephews.
If her DH doesn't want to send them anything that's up to him but it shouldn't stop the OP from doing so.
Drum2018 · 30/11/2019 16:00
We're NC with sil. When we went NC we received gifts that Christmas for the kids and sent them to a charity shop unopened. NC means just that. We didn't want anything to do with her and that meant NC with her kids too as it is not possible to keep contact with them without her being involved. If your bil doesn't want contact with you all then respect that and don't engage in gift buying for him or his family.
Hangingwithmygnomies · 30/11/2019 16:01
Lllot5 I see them as OUR DN. I've been with DH since before the oldest was born. Likewise he sees my DB's children as his DN too (or at least I hope he does 🤔) I just cannot get my head around why he thinks it's an OK thing to do. Not wanting to send his brother a card - fine, but to take it out on children I think is pretty poor and I'm happy to tell him so.
Hangingwithmygnomies · 30/11/2019 16:10
Drum2018 they send my children birthday cards etc also, so maybe minimal contact rather than NC might be better way to describe? I think SIL is behind alot of this (he was a brilliant Dad up until they married and they had their children together then his children with ex have slowly become excluded and pushed away and she is not nice at all). Obviously I don't know your reasons for going NC but he has gone LC/NC because he didn't like being told a few home truths about the way he was treating the older 2. MIL is not a horrible person, quite the opposite so there could be a time when he decides to be involved with the family again. DH and I won't be involved with them but I'd rather not do anything that will lesson the chance for her sake.
Fr0g · 30/11/2019 16:18
If you have a relationship with the older two, then its reasonable to contiue it - because their father has opted out doesn't mean that you have to ignore them.
If they drop contact with you, then re-evaluate the situation.
If you have no relationship with the youngest two, and don;t see them or their father, I wouldn't bother. At two, they won't even know who you are, and it's rude of the parents to not even acknowledge the gifts.
Treating them all the same when you don't have anything like the same relationship (actual contact & communication rather than blood relationship), and the two pairs of children aren't living together/in touch with each other seems irrelevant.
Gifts are part of a relationship - not a blood entitlement of complete strangers.
Hangingwithmygnomies · 30/11/2019 17:08
Fr0g I guess you have a point, it's just there's that part of me that doing so would make me feel incredibly mean, plus one of SIL "issues" is that her DC get treated less fair than all of the others, which is not true at all. In not sending anything I would feel like I'm making her point valid. I do agree it's incredibly rude of them not to say thank you but honestly, it shouldn't surprise me with the kind of people they are.
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