To feel sad and angry rather than happy?

[CanIHaveADrink]

So we’ve had a row. Or rather I lost it after feeling like DH had just brushed me aside once again. A small thing really that broke the camel’s back and everything came out all at once.
It’s not the first time I have told him he has been disrespectful. That he only thinks about himself. Somehow it has never sunk but this time, for whatever reason, he seems to have realised that his behaviour isn’t on.
From the outside, it looks like he is trying. As in really trying.

But him trying makes me sad and angry. Not relieved and happy that he finally got it.
Because, why, why on earth is he suddenly being able to do small talk and to check if I am happy to do x or y rather than just assuming I can and will? Why is he able to remember the date of my birthday and to NOT plan anything on that day when he has never been able to do so in the last 15 years?

I am so pissed off.

It's the realisation that his actions and behaviour over the past 15 years have been an active choice, and not something he couldn't help/didn't understand/ insert excuse here.

Yep.
Too many excuses that I found for him and his behaviour.
This summer, I ended up 3 months off sick on the advice of my GP. DH had planned to go away with the dcs for a week. He never checked if I was ok to see them go. Never asked. I was so exhausted that, left on my own, if the choice was to eat or stay in my chair in the evening, I would just stay in my armchair. I was so exhausted.