Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Late night drinking argument

23 replies

Franby123 · 29/11/2019 18:31

I’m unsure whether I’m BU. It happened last Saturday but I can’t stop thinking about it.

We (me and OH) went to a birthday on Saturday, I pretty much went to inhale buffet food (😁) and came home at 10.30 (I’m 18 wk pregnant), I left OH there to see his friend etc and he said he would be back around 12.
Anyhow I waited up for him, he didn’t get in until 4am - pissed out his face. He then tried to make out he’d been asleep on the sofa downstairs and had actually got in at 12.
I don’t know what happened but I just lost it, he used to do this a lot but not recently, I told him I didn’t want to have a child who thought it was ok to come in at this time when they have a pregnant OH at home etc etc, I think I actually made him cry ☹️
I felt terrible...
We are OK now, but I was wondering- what’s everyone’s opinions on their OH going out when you’ve got young children. Would you accept them being out until 4am?

OP posts:

churchandstate · 29/11/2019 18:48

Honestly, before I was about 28-30 weeks, this wouldn’t have bothered me, other than as far as the dishonesty is concerned. There’s plenty of time for him to come to the realisation that this won’t be appropriate when you’re heavily pregnant or when you have a small baby.

But as far as “I don’t want a child who thinks...” is concerned, that’s a long way in the future, OP.

ScreamingValenta · 29/11/2019 18:52

We don't have any children, but I wouldn't be pleased if DH stayed out till 4 after saying he'd be back at 12.

It would be different if he'd told me he'd be out till 4.

Lweji · 29/11/2019 18:55

Hard to say.
4 am might not bother me, just as long as he didn't wake me up.
7 am would get me worried.

Also, a one off, not a problem. Every Friday, then yes.

Original poster

Franby123 · 29/11/2019 18:57

I knew I was BU. I don’t know what’s up with me lately, I’d never be like this with him. I feel so vulnerable at the minute, I just wanted him home I think.

OP posts:

Ginfordinner · 29/11/2019 18:59

but I was wondering- what’s everyone’s opinions on their OH going out when you’ve got young children. Would you accept them being out until 4am?

No I wouldn't. OH has never behaved like that. Once you decide to have children you grow up and accept your responsibilities (in an ideal world). Although, to be fair, DD wasn't born until we were both in our 40s and had got behaving like that out of our systems.

itstrue · 29/11/2019 19:04

Sorry I think you have overreacted. If it's not happening often. I'd be cross if my OH demanded I come home early when I'm catching up with a friend like that.

fishonabicycle · 29/11/2019 19:05

It wouldn't bother me as long as he said he would be late ... I wouldn't wait up though.

terriblyangryattimes · 29/11/2019 19:08

Pregnancy hormones have a lot to answer for. But I think unless its happening every week, or you were 39 weeks pregnant you over reacted.

Original poster

Franby123 · 29/11/2019 19:16

You are right.
I think I’m having a crisis of that I’m going to loose my freedom etc soon. Nothing’s changed for him, he still goes out drinking, has all his freedom. We normally do everything together but now I’m never invited out.

OP posts:

bigchris · 29/11/2019 19:22

Where was he until 4am? A club?

You need to ask him if he'll be going out when you've got a newborn

You also need to start doimg things without him while he stays at home when the baby is here

Doing everything together isn't healthy

KarmaStar · 29/11/2019 19:23

Yabu,sorry,it was a party,he was having a good time,was happy for you to leave him alone so you could relax at home and if he doesn't do it every weekend then....
But perhaps you can make some new friends with other mum's to be?don't lose your circle of friends,you say you're not invited out,well invite them,once they realize you want to go out still they will start inviting you again.
If you don't want to do the bars and clubs maybe you and friends will find new things to try.
Don't wait for life to come to you,go and live every day.🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺💗💗💗💗💗💗

Smellbellina · 29/11/2019 19:24

I’d leave him to it, he’s my partner not my child.

19lottie82 · 29/11/2019 19:32

I think you are overreacting, sorry.

TARSCOUT · 29/11/2019 19:50

DP is a nightmare for this. He genuinely is talking rubbish with his mates and loses track of time. Our agreement is if he isn't going to be in by 3am he calls and lets me know where he is and gets a taxi home, that way I can get a decent aleep.

TheRightHonerable · 29/11/2019 20:06

Oh OP ❤️ I understand how you feel in terms of crisis of identity...etc. Those are very valid feelings.

Early pregnancy 8-20 weeks made me crazy. I went from being a pretty level headed and practical woman to an emotional nervous wreck and you better believe DH took the brunt of it. I was really poorly which didn’t help but it seems to have settled down over the past couple of weeks and I’m feeling much more stable.

I knew I was being crazy at the time but I couldn’t stop myself and I would just cry and cry for hours 😭 cut yourself some slack, put it down to a huge rush of hormones and move on. As long as it’s not a usual/regular thing in your relationship I’m sure your DH will survive.

Mine was very understanding.

Birthdaycakemondays · 29/11/2019 20:33

YABU, it didn’t effect what you were doing BUT I completely understand the insecure feeling of being pregnant & your partner not being reliable (felt exactly the same when pregnant with DC1) so I feel for you.

Hecateh · 29/11/2019 20:55

I suspect it is a combination of hormones and having read too many threads on here where this kind of behaviour is a regular occurrence AND as threads progress, many other red flags come to light.

It's not brilliant behaviour on his part or yours - but as a one off - maybe you both realise that and have learned from it.

NaviSprite · 29/11/2019 21:16

I'd say you were being unreasonable, but I know whereof you speak as I got like this with my DH when I was heavily pregnant with our twins.

I'd actually said, don't worry about what time you get back, just enjoy yourself but please do text me when you're on your way home.

He wasn't one for staying out until the wee hours but on this particular night he went onto a nightclub with his friends and they stayed there until 4.30am and he was home by 5am (and he woke me up, he didn't mean to but we lived in a tiny flat with a very heavy loud door) I let fly at him. Absolutely enraged that he'd stayed out until such a stupid time, no text (his reason was at 4.30am I was asleep so the text wouldn't have made much difference either way) and wake me up when he got home.

I was upset and threw at him 'what if something had happened to you and I didn't know, or what if something had happened to me and you were too pissed to act?' and it upset him a lot.

My points were valid, but I'd sent him off with my blessing to be out as long as he liked because we both knew those opportunities would be none-existent after the twins arrived.

If your DH doesn't usually go out until such a late time and this was a once in a blue moon situation, I'd say that you should let it go.

However if he's still living life like nothing has/is about to change, I can say for sure he needs to think about spending more time at home and understanding that going out drinking at the drop of a hat will not be on the cards when your LO arrives!

Winter2019 · 29/11/2019 21:18

It's understandable you lost it OP, you are pregnant, hormones and and all that.. Also as you say, you used to go out together and now he still does it but you can't. If it happens rarely I think it's OK however if it's a regular thing, that's not good abd obviously wouldn't be okay once baby is born

Also, lying about getting in earlier and sleeping on the couch would piss me off

AliceLittle · 29/11/2019 21:43

A once off, I wouldn't think anything of it. Even if he said he would be home at 12 and wasn't home till 4am. He'd be sent to make breakfast as an apology but I can't get angry at coming home late.

SummerPavillion · 29/11/2019 21:52

It's really really hard coming to terms with the loss of freedom

Once when ds1 was about 6 weeks old and asleep on my lap, I soaked an entire huge muslin with tears and snot, crying about how my old life was over. My friends were all having Sunday lunch in a pub just over the road.

Freedom does come back eventually, and now I've got something (two somethings) that were worth all the misery.

ThatsNotMyMeerkat · 29/11/2019 22:06

As a not regular occurrence, I would absolutely accept my partner going out until 4am (as he would me if I so chose). We have small children.
You, however, don’t yet, so I really fail to see the difference in what time he got home? Why would you wait up anyway?
I’m glad to see you have acknowledged that you were unreasonable and hope that led to an apology. There seems to be a lot of excusing of whatever behaviour on this thread cause ‘hormones’. Plenty of us have had pregnancy hormones and didnt use it as an excuse to act unreasonably.

beautifulstranger101 · 29/11/2019 22:11

As others have said- if it was a one off, then no big deal. I think we've all "accidentally" had one too many and suffered for it the next day. Every has lapses of judgement at times and noone is perfect.
However, if this became a regular pattern, then yeah, thats a different matter entirely. Its incredibly juvenile and selfish to do that on the regular when you have a pregnant wife/young kids and I wouldn't accept that at all. He is going to have to adjust to the fact that he has responsibilities now and he can't continue to act like an irresponsible teenager who lives in a student flat.

Flip