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Didn't know where this should go

10 replies

BigTWDFan · 29/11/2019 16:06

So this time last year i was pregnant and round xmas and new year i miscarriaged. Was the worst thing to happen to my family, i remember every little thing and every day of the miscarriage.
I'm coming up to 23 weeks pregnant and the memorys of last year is flooding back, but everyone is telling me not to think about it, even my husband said "why would you want to think about it" just them saying it makes me feels so alone, even my parents and sister has said it.
How can i forget something so painful, especially my bedroom and bathroom, i still see the blood stains, everytime i go to doctors or hospital for this pregnancy i have memorys flooding me back like it was yesturday, it really does hurt.
I'm trying to make this xmas has happy and jolly as i can, because last xmas was just so painful for everyone... i honestly feel so alone and i just can't hold in my tears anymore. Aibu and being silly? How do i let it go, forgetting it isn't possible, and it makes it so hard to enjoy this pregnancy when i'm just has anxious that something bad will happen too.
I just want to enjoy this xmas, instead i'm dreading it...

OP posts:

bridgetreilly · 29/11/2019 16:09

You don't have to forget it, that's ridiculous. It happened and it was real and sad and it's okay to remember that and still be sad about that baby, even while you are looking forward to the new one arriving. Try and take some time on your own just to be quiet and remember and be sad, even if it's just in the bath. It doesn't need to overwhelm everything, probably, and if it does, then maybe you could think about counselling. But it's definitely okay to need to mark it and be sad about it.


Rudolphsjinglebells · 29/11/2019 16:14

I think you need to tell your dh how you feel and that you can't brush it aside like he wants you to.
Then if you still cannot talk to him about it, you should go to counselling.


Dilkhush · 29/11/2019 16:14

Sending sympathy.
I haven't had this experience, but I had a truly awful first birth with DC1. I wrote a full a detailed account of the whole experience on pages and pages of A4 and then buried it in a deep hole in the garden. I can't really explain how, but it helped me put the experience behind me and move forward. I went on to have another DC.
Don't forget that when you retell your experience to other family members and DP it must be triggering sad memories for them as well, and perhaps their way of coping is to not think about it. Is there someone you could talk to who might be less upset themself? Perhaps a therapist or a friend who lives someone else? That might help you.


avocadoincident · 29/11/2019 16:15

I'm so sorry for what has happened to you. You've been through a traumatic experience, one of the worst things a person can deal with. No one can understand unless they've been in your shoes. Many here on MN (like I) will understand.

You can either explain to your family that 'forgetting it and keeping quiet' is not helpful to you.
Or, you can try and ignore their comments as trying to be helpful but know that they can't possibly understand.

I feel like people are trying to say the right thing and on one day that could actually be the right thing but on the next day the same comment can set me off crying and seem insensitive.

Have you had any counselling?


debbs77 · 29/11/2019 19:08

Totally understand this.

I would've been 20 weeks pregnant today....I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks but didn't find out until our scan which was late at 14 weeks. I had surgery the following week.

I was heartbroken. It was a surprise pregnancy, just before being sterilised actually, and I already have a large family....but it was our first together.

I miss the baby, I miss being pregnant, and I'm nervous for the future. We are planning on having a baby, obviously planned this time, but I know it'll feel nerve wracking and emotional.

Big hugs xxx


SummerInSun · 29/11/2019 23:24

First, know you aren't alone. Many women have been through this and understated exactly how you feel. I had a very late miscarriage in my first pregnancy and it took all the fun and joy out of the two subsequent pregnancies that led to my two beautiful DC (though not out of any of the joy once I actually had them, I should add).

Second, your husband may well be grieving too but trying to deal with it differently by shutting it out and looking forward. What seems to you like him being unsympathetic may just be him trying to avoid dealing with his own feelings or staying strong for you.

Could you do something to honour that baby who should already be with you, ideally with your DH but if not, then on your own? Plant a tree, or burn a lovely candle, or buy a ring or necklaces or something that symbolises your first baby to you that you can keep with you. I really liked a PP's suggestion of writing it all down. That helped me deal with grief too.


BigTWDFan · 30/11/2019 19:51

Thank you everyone x
I been thinking of counciling but i find it so hard to even talk about it, was really traumatic. Think in time i'm going to have to see someone, and i did try a month after my miscarriage, but a councillor said ot was too soon, which put me off a bit. I did recieve an aching arms bear, and i bought an aching arms bracelet, i also bought a flower pot in memory, but even those seem to be so little to what i feel i lost.
Think i wish i had some sort of scan picture or could have known the gender to it a name... little things like that just drives me to tears.
Think people are right about my husband, but really makes me feel more alone.
I might try and write it all down and put it in a box somewhere.
I really want to enjoy this pregnancy, but it just makes me remember last years and what could have been, and then i feel selfish

OP posts:

Jollitwiglet · 30/11/2019 20:22

I truly know how you feel, I'm going to try and keep myself occupied over Christmas and New year. But you really don't need to forget, and it's normal to wonder what could have been. As awful as it sounds, I felt I was pregnant with the wrong baby when I got pregnant again straight away. I of course felt happy, but then felt guilty for feeling happy and was overwhelmed with anxiety and the feeling something awful was going to happen. I felt so conflicted. I found it helpful to write my baby a letter and then burn it. On what would have been my due date I lit a candle and just sat and reflected for a while. I intend to do the same over Christmas and New year.

You can still give your baby a name if you feel that would help. You could always choose a unisex name. And please remember, you're not alone


avocadoincident · 30/11/2019 20:48

A unisex name is a good idea or even a little pet name like 'poppet' or 'little one', something affectionate rather than just 'the baby'.


BigTWDFan · 01/12/2019 09:11

There brilliant ideas! Gonna have a think of some names. Going to write a letter or something soon, thank you everyone though, really is going to be hard but gonna try and keep myself also busy, don't want to cry on xmas day when my little boys are around. They've seen me cry enough x nice to know i'm not alone Flowers

OP posts:
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