To think I should not have another baby?

[Pumpkinspicewhatever]

I have one child, a dd shortly turning 5. I think she’s brilliant- bright, funny, imaginative and I can honestly say she’s the love of my life. I never thought I could feel the love I have for dd.
However I can admit that motherhood hit me incredibly hard and to be honest the first 3 years of dd’s life were incredibly tough for me personally. She was I guess a “high needs” baby, had terrible problems sleeping and feeding, and spent most of that time strapped to me in a sling. Probably also key was that I suffered from awful pre and post natal depression, which I didn’t get treated. I felt a lot like anger, resentment and loneliness as well as exhaustion and I went back to work when she was 7 months to try and get some of my life back. I now regret that as it reallt jsut made things harder in a lot of ways. As a toddler she’s always had good language and with every month that passes she’s growing into a joy, a really lovely companion and I have gone from sometimes dreading coming home from work to be a mum, to actively loving spending time with her.

But this is definitely as the baby stage has passed. While she is still small, now she is in reception she enjoys going to school, she is good at entertaining herself when she needs to, she is conversational and fun, she has friends and can go on play dates and enjoys going to sleep over at my mums when she can. As a result dh and I can now go out, or away for a night or two again. The three of us can go out for dinner and have a mostly fun rather than mostly stressful time. We can all sit and watch a movie together or go for a walk without drama. I guess it jsut feels like I am getting my life back a bit, and I find I am getting my confidence back as a person, getting to rediscover the things I loved like reading a book or two a week, going to the theatre or gym, etc. I am doing way better at work with more sleep and I feel motivated to get promoted etc for the good of our family and to set a good example for dd. I feel less reliant on my mum and sister for help and it feels like we are a good unit.
Now dh thinks we should have another baby. Soon. We are both in early 30s but his siblings both have second babies on the way and he’s doing really well at work, both our jobs have good paid parental leave, and dd really wants a little sibling (or at least the idea of one...)

I always thought I would want another baby at some point but people keep commenting on how big the age gap will be between dd and any other child- she’s already almost 5. And the obvious comments about how I’m in my 30s (since when did that become past it?) The truth is, the idea of having a baby again fills me with utter dread. Aside from getting it out the way, there’s really not a lot I would look forward to about pregnancy or another baby. Then whether we have 1 or 2 more, there’s always going to be the circa 3 year hard bit where I felt like I just lost myself. I don’t know how I could go through that one more time.. let alone two or more! Dh loves kids and is a great dad but he doesn’t see this side of it at all. He earns about a third more than me and it feels like my career would be the one to take a hit in terms of time off with kids. His industry is higher paying than mine and he is on a great career path.

The fact is in my very heart of hearts I don’t think I want another baby ever. I think once was enough for me.. I want to pour all my efforts into dd but I don’t want to go through the baby stage again. It’s that baby stage that jjst fills me with dread. If dh pushed it part of me feels like we should break up because he really wants another and I don’t. I know it isn’t fair because I always said I saw myself having another. I think the conversations we have had recently plus some good things happening in my work life have made me see things quite differently.

Does anyone else feel like this? I feel like I may be abnormal. Is it possible I can want more kids, feeling like this now? I’m worried that I will have one, be unable to cope and then be a shit mum to both dd and baby. I’m worried I will regret it and that it would ruin my life.

Anyone been through these feelings?

I think if your DH had to do what you do, then he would think twice, as most men do.

You could get your fertility tested and see if you have time, some women are fertile upto around 40. Many aren't past 36.

There are plenty of only children, so many feel like you do. Many women with more than one do, but have accidents/get pressured into having more.

Above all else you need to be honest with your DH and he would need to do more this time round, if you decided to go ahead. He may not have a choice, because PND may hit harder this time.

I feel like I could have written this post! I didn’t have post natal depression but I did find the first few years very tough. Mine is now 4 & I relate to nearly everything you’ve said. I have a lot of guilt about her not having a sibling but that’s not a strong enough reason to risk what we have. There was a really good article in the guardian about it recently and the gist of the response (it was a letter someone had written) echoed what a friend said to me which is that the biggest impact on our daughter will be mine and my husbands happiness, not a sibling. So if a sibling will risk or jeopardise that then probably not worth it (I completely get that for others, a second child would increase that happiness but it’s ok if that wouldn’t). Hope that ramble makes sense but basically you’re not alone.

feels like I am getting my life back a bit, and I find I am getting my confidence back as a person, getting to rediscover the things I loved

This is so important OP - & even more so right now because of yoru PND. You have done well to power through & are only just getting your life back on track. DH needs to acknowledge that, & prioritise our wellbeing over his requirement for another baby.

(sorry - YOUR wellbeing)

I've been there, could have written all your words. Except that I was questioning things when did was 2. Her dad was keen, I wasn't and was happy with just her.

In the end, I compromised by coming off the pill but was being careful until one month my period was late and I was convinced I was pregnant and horrified...until I tested negative and felt a overpowering sense of disappointment that took by surprise. From then on I was on a mission to fall pregnant.

I won't lie, it was even more worse second time. Everyone said second baby were easier well mine wasn't. I had a number of desperate moments, crying in desperation and even wishing he was never born.

But just like the first time, it passed and I grew to love him just as much and feel fiercely protective of him. He and DD grew very close. He is now a young adult we are very close, and I just can't imagine my life without him.

Whatever you do, however hard it might be, in all likelihood, you'll grow to feel that is was all worth it.

I was where you are a couple of years ago, OP. I could have written your post word for word. But at some point I had a change of heart. I think it was partly my biological clock ticking, partly that my DD started asking for a sibling and also that I knew deep down DH really wanted another but was playing down how much it meant to him because he didn't want to pressure me.
So I had DS. The first few months were incredibly hard. PND hit me like a ton of bricks when he was two weeks old and I'm ashamed to say there were days when I regretted having him. Now he's a year old, things are getting much easier now he's weaned and although I'm not 100% recovered, I'm most of the way there. I can honestly say I wouldn't be without him. There are still tough days. I still miss the freedom, the convenience, the sleep, that I had with only one child but I know I'll get all that back again. DD and DS adore each other, they have a lovely bond despite the age gap so although I know she'd have been absolutely fine as an only child, I do love watching them together and it makes all the hard work seem worthwhile.
I'm not saying have another. I definitely won't be having anymore! I guess what I'm saying is whatever you decide to do, it'll be ok in the end.

Don't do it OP. Just reading your post makes me think it would be the worst decision for you and your family. Look at how happy you seem when you talk about your little girl and how great your life is now. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having one child and channeling all your love and energy into her. She would much rather be an only child and have a happy mummy then spend the next three years with a sad and quite possibly depressed mum. Sounds like she will have lots of cousins anyway to keep her entertained.
A second baby might be different than the first but even the most well behaved of babies are hard work at first. It's just not worth the risk if you are already dreading being pregnant again.

Hi,
You mention it was all on you and you feel it’s your career that takes the hot, I think you need to sit down with dh and see if you could swap and this time you hand the baby to him and he takes that role, if it’s just the early years putting you off and as he is a good dad that loves kids if you explain how it made you feel the first time its quite reasonable to swap over. I have a friend who did the same and she got the fun couple hours of play with baby that her partner had the previous time and she’s much more relaxed and still has a good bond with baby and her partner has so much more understanding now. Parenting should be equal x

*takes the hit

You absolutely should NOT have another baby. It is 100% clear your heart isn't in it. I'm an only child and I had a wonderful childhood - your daughter is so lucky to have you. Enjoy the family you have and don't waste another minute thinking about something you don't want!

Blimey OP - are you me?!

I also have one and share many of the same feelings as you. I also found the first 3 years incredibly difficult.

I also had PND which developed into severe anxiety, my marriage was on its knees. I had a horrible pregnancy and Labour and a very fussy baby, who then turned into a VERY combative toddler. Urgh the whole thing was a shit show really.

Mine is also almost 5 and what can I say, I really love our lives now. I've been back and forth with having another and at one point, a couple of months ago, we were going to go for it again. But, I changed my mind.

I never wanted more. I was putting so much pressure on myself and worrying myself sick that they weren't going to have a sibling. Thankfully I have a very supportive family who have never pushed me or made me feel bad in any way. They are in total agreement that one child is the best thing for us.

Luckily my husband feels the same way so I don't have to deal with any pressure from him. But honestly, there are so many wonderful things about having one.

It's also perfectly ok to be selfish about this and think of yourself. After all, you will do the vast majority of the hard bits and your career will take the hit as you said. All for something that you don't want.

If you're happy as you are, then just enjoy your life and the many benefits of only having one.

The truth is, the idea of having a baby again fills me with utter dread.

Then don't have one. You're happy! Why change that?

You're allowed to change your mind about how many children you want. I'm sure plenty of women out there saw themselves with a certain size of family before they had children and then for various reasons life didn't turn out that way.

If you are sure you dont want one then do not have one.
I thought I only wanted one though... and my first was very hard, difficult birth then severe pnd... but fell unexpectedly pregnant with my second after 3 years... I was depressed during the pregnancy because I was worried it would be like going through my first again... but it turned out nothing like my first. Honestly I'm so glad I had a second because in a way it was very healing as eclipsed all the bad memories of my first birth. They are so cute together as well, they really love one another and have a strong bond. And my eldest is really helpful with my youngest. He will pass ,e things and keep an eye on her and entertain her... its actually been more easy having the two than it was with just my son!
That's just my experience though and I've been lucky....
I think you need to make your worries clear to your dp asap... perhaps when you discuss things with him it will become clearer either way what you really want to do?
Only you can make the decision, there are always going to be good arguments for and against so take the time to work out how you really feel about it.

You wrote a really good, detailed opening post describing your experience. Could you show this thread to your husband and ask him to read it carefully (not skim it but really read every word)?

I would say take more time before deciding about a second baby. At this point there would be a significant age gap anyway so take a few years to decide. Don't give up the life you have now.

Don’t have another child if YOU dont want one.

You get the veto because you carry the child, give birth and are the main carer.

I wouldn’t be willing to loose a decade of my life to childbearing, I love my children, I really do. I absolutely loved the baby phase and the young toddler phase too. Now they’re older though I’ve realised that I haven’t really been myself the past five years. I’ve been exhausted and haven’t had to to do the things that make me me. I’ve just been a mother and that’s it. I won’t be doing it again. 5 years is a good price to pay for 2 lovely children. But I wouldn’t be willing to pay any more.

I did the loose/lose thing again. As you can see I’m still not one hundred percent but at least o feel like myself again, albeit very tired.

Unless you are 100% sure then don’t do it. Why make life hard for yourself?
Enjoy the life and the child that you have (and the freedom you would lose again if you had another one).

Your DD is better off having a happy and fulfilled mother, than a depressed, stressed one.

I wouldn’t go back to the baby days for all the money in the world.

Freedom is priceless.

I'm 41 soon and have 1 DD who will be 3 next August. We are definitely not having another, party because having DD wasn't straightforward quite a few miscarriages but was resolved with aspirin. However someone on another thread put it once that , don't have a second child just to give child first child a sibling, have a second because you WANT a second, that's so true and has remained with me sine.

I'm still in full toddler mode, but grateful that I can do enjoy one child and we have our perfect family unit. I won't risk it if you're not 100% as a child could cause so much resentment between you and your DH. Plus I think if one person isn't on board fully then it's not worth the risk. There's a lot to life about enjoying what you end each day and you if you're happiness is back then don't compromise that xx

I think a lot of people want to feel that others are on the same path as them TBH. Just because DH siblings are "on "their second pregnancy doesnt mean you have to be does it! Does he know how you feel do you think? Its all very well him saying he wants another one soon ,but hes not actually having it is he? Maybe talk to him on one of your W/E away together and explain everything to him . hopefully he will see where you are coming from .

I have three DC. And to be honest it was my DH who really wanted the third. I adore my youngest son, adore him. But having a child is unbelievably hard and I think it's easy for men not to fully appreciate the physical and mental toll it takes. It set me back years in my career, and my DH is in the same industry so the comparison is very stark.

I'm not sure I have any advice OP, but I would encourage you to have the conversation with your husband. Having it hanging over you can't be helping.

I never thought I'd willingly have an only child. But it turned out that when it came to it, one works very well for us, and we never had another - and that was a choice. Sure, there are a few disadvantages, but there are also a lot of advantages. I joke to other people that I heard the people at toddler groups saying "If my first had been as bad as my second, I'd have stopped at one", and learned from it!

I did try to go through pros and cons at one point. I think the turning point was when I realised that the biggest argument against was my parents' disapproval of only children. To be fair, it's not been mentioned since grandchildren started arriving, but I can still remember comments made about other families before that.

I think a 5 year age gap is the equivalent of being an only child so that reason doesn't hold water either. In your shoes I wouldn't.