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AIBU?

To cut my mother out??

19 replies

jollybobs89 · 29/11/2019 00:09

I'm just wondering if there are any other mumsnetters who don't have a relationship with their mothers?? My relationship is breaking down with my DM she's a narcissist and I'm really struggling with the relationship.

I'm 5 months pregnant with 2nd child and we have been back in touch a few months. I just feel guilty like because she's my mum that the relationship should be there regardless if that makes sense??

There's a very long background of stories and issues but each time I try forgive and forget and move on but then slowly goes back to how it used to be.

OP posts:
user764329056 · 29/11/2019 00:13

I am NC with my mother, it took decades of me being sucked in again and the same stuff playing out, I eventually had to create what I felt was best for my sanity and I don’t regret the decision, she can never be the mother I need/deserve

ASimpleLampoon · 29/11/2019 00:16

I've been NC with my parents and sibling for 5 years. Best thing I ever did. I am so much better off without them. It's done wonders for my self esteem not having their negativity. I've had the energy to build up a nice little network of friends who are supportive, so I really don't need family.

Preggosaurus9 · 29/11/2019 00:20

Stop forgiving and forgetting! She will never change. Your job is to set boundaries to protect yourself and DC. She does not get an access all areas VIP pass just because she happens to be your mother. Who cares who she complains to or what she says about you? Let her complain to whoever she wants. Meanwhile you're protecting yourself and DC from her crazym

jollybobs89 · 29/11/2019 10:26

I just feel guilty every time I try to cut her off as she doesn't have many people round her.

She turned round yesterday after we went for a family meal and said that she won't be attending anymore family events as we choose expensive places and that she has nothing in common with me or my sister & she finds us high maintenance! The meal was a Chinese more expensive than a takeaway but just standard restaurant prices and it was for a birthday! She ordered the cheapest thing off the menu then shared what everyone else had ordered and paid just for hers and left! I feel Christmas looming and I feel like something else will set her off.

She's also not happy with me as I won't let my 21 month old stay at hers as she still smokes in the house and she has a Rottweiler and an Akita. I don't mind dogs as I have one myself but as they aren't used to kids being round I just don't feel comfortable with her being so small. She just says I'm being a snob and I forget where I've come from!

OP posts:
makingmammaries · 29/11/2019 10:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Merryoldgoat · 29/11/2019 11:00

I don’t have a relationship with my mother because she died suddenly when I was 6.

Just saying.

I’m sorry but that’s not fair. Plenty of mothers are abusive and damaging and are better cut off than indulged or tolerated.

Just being a mother doesn’t give you the right to a relationship - it’s a two way street.

My (not perfect but good in lots of ways) mother died when I was young too but I’m able to understand that some mothers are poisonous.

user1471449295 · 29/11/2019 11:05

@makingmammaries
Sad, but unfair and irrelevant to OP. Quite bitchy when you know nothing of her situation.

Just saying.

ASimpleLampoon · 29/11/2019 11:07

@makingmammaries There are better ways of processing your grief than using it to make people who have been abused feel guilty of trying to escape from that abuse. If you need to deal with your feelings of bereavement see a counsellor. It will do you much more good than making nasty posts to people who do not deserve it and have done nothing to harm you. Abuse is a horrible thing to go through and abuse survivors too have to grieve for the parents they deserved but did not have.

Carrying the effects of abuse throughout a lifetime is enough of a burden to bear without having to be guiltripped by others on top of that.

No one should have to put themselves through more abuse just because someone else is bereaved. No one deserves to be abused and everyone has a right to walk away and stop the hurt.

We don't stop loving and needing our parents just because they hurt us. We just have to live without it because the alternative is doing harm to ourselves and our children.

Your post is shameful.

Chilledout11 · 29/11/2019 11:10

I am no contact with mine op and it's really really hard. I would recommend very low contact as I struggle with guilt everyday (not that you should).

DryHeaving · 29/11/2019 11:11

@makingmammaries that's so sad but what a vile guilt trip to lay on someone who is struggling with a relationship with their mother

Sparklfairy · 29/11/2019 11:11

makingmammaries trying to guilt the OP into having a relationship with an abusive relative says more about you than it does about her. Are you always so manipulative?

BonnesVacances · 29/11/2019 11:12

I've been NC with my narc dad for 8 years. The peace and quiet and internal happiness is well worth it. My mum has narc tendencies but I manage her on a LC basis.

I don't think you'll ever find anyone who has gone NC with a toxic parent who regrets it.

Drum2018 · 29/11/2019 11:24

@makingmammaries you certainly don't have the monopoly on deceased mothers. Mine was wonderful and is now deceased. However just because my mother was lovely doesn't mean I cannot appreciate that other mothers are horrendous. Op has a narcissistic mother and should not feel one iota of guilt for not wanting a relationship with her.

@jollybobs89 I agree with pp who said your mother won't ever change, so you need to shield yourself from her. She has more or less told you and your sister now that she doesn't want a relationship, so take that on board now and step well back. She can sulk all she wants regarding you not allowing her to have your child to stay over. It's not up to her. You are responsible for your child and you would do well to set boundaries and not let your mother have any alone time with your dc. She treated you badly and your children will be next.

Dutch1e · 29/11/2019 11:29

I'm also NC with my mother. Not only is it a relief but I've become a better person after surrounding myself with good, fair people.

I also felt guilty for a long time (look up FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt) but it later dawned in me that there was a bloody good reason she had no-one else.

A long-ongoing thread on Mumsnet called "But we took you to Stately Homes" might be worth a read for you. Many many similar stories and lots of amazing people

jollybobs89 · 29/11/2019 15:55

I understand that there are people who have sadly lost mothers I have close friends with no mothers and seen them go through their grief. This is why it's also not a nice feeling when you know that people lose people close to them. However it's also difficult to let someone continuously treat you badly and always be expected to take it because you are family.

OP posts:
JKScot4 · 29/11/2019 15:59

I’m 14 years NC to a narc heavy drinking mother; no regrets, it’s a weight off me. Just because she’s your mother doesn’t mean your obliges to have a relationship; would you tolerate her behaviour off a friend? No, you wouldn’t, walk away.

Herocomplex · 29/11/2019 16:02

@jollybobs89 yes, we are many, and you’ll get help and support (and kindness) over in the Stately Homes thread.

msmith501 · 29/11/2019 16:19

I took a court order out against my parents when my mum took our baby from the hospital within hours of being born. Prior to this my mum used to pop vile letters through our door against my wife and my dad used to drive her over to deliver them "to keep the peace". I took a harassment order out against the pair of them then as well. After the hospital incident they almost faced prison. I didn't see them again until their funerals - to check they were actually gone. And before anyone decides to tell me how wrong so was, I have spent years in various children's homes after violence, locked in cupboards under the stairs etc.

... and do you know what, at 55 I can look back secure in the knowledge that I would do the same again and also that the sins of the parents have not found themselves into how I treat people.

There is a lot more - think of the book "A Boy Called It"... but that'd be hi-jacking the thread.

Herocomplex · 29/11/2019 23:15

That’s really hard @msmith501 I hope you get some peace.

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