Daughter & school bullying drama

[smokeorfire]

Today the deputy from dd's (age 11) school called to tell me she'd been involved in bullying another girl in her year. Both girls have been needling each other, stamping on each other's feet, nipping each other. All connected back to an incident, apparently, in their last year of primary school. When dd came home we had proper chat about it, how serious it is, how she needs to step outside of this sort of drama. I got her to write a letter to the other girl apologising and promising never to behave badly towards her again. It was tough.
Then, bizarrely, I realised a letter had been put through the front door. I thought at first it was from the other girl's parents, but it was from dd's friends saying dd hasn't been bullying anyone, she's just trying to protect her friends and behave like a "decent human".

I haven't told dd about this letter. It feels really important that she gives this other girl her letter of apology. Copy of which I will give to school, too. No punishment or further consequences. Does that make sense? Or do I need to do more. AIBU to draw a line under it here?

To be fair, your daughters friends are going to take her side, arent they?
I know you say they’re both as bad as one another but if the school say it’s bullying I’d take their word for it. They have seen the bigger picture and both sides of the story.
You’ve approached this in the right way, OP, well done for getting your daughter to write a letter and explaining how serious is. She’s only young and no kids are perfect- you’re billing it in the bud and she’ll learn. If more parents were like you maybe we wouldn’t have the bullying problem that’s so prevalent in schools!

Nipping in the bud I mean, sorry for the typos

I agree with drinkygin

Thank you @drinkygin. I am absolutely taking the school's word for it. Dd is responsible for her own behaviour, so to my mind what the other girl does isn't really the point.

I was surprised by the letter from the friends. Can understand why they'd be on dd's side but was strangely impressed that they'd go to trouble of writing a letter to try and protect her!

Have been reading about the "drama triangle" and would really like to help dds with strategies to sidestep victim-persecutor dynamics.

👏 Good on you! I wouldn’t mention the letter with her friends and when she brings it up (they’ll tell her they posted it) then explain that bullying isn’t being a “decent human” and that you won’t tolerate it. Ask her to give you her word that she will never bully this girl or anyone again. If more parents treated it like you have our schools would be happier places. One person not participating in bullying can be the difference between a suicidal teenager and a teenager who has taken their own life. Well done OP, I

And @chocolate, thank you too. That world of taking it out on someone else is so vile and destructive, can so easily ruin their childhoods. I like the idea of giving one's word, making a promise to yourself and others. Hopefully the decent human who dd's friends perceive her as is the who can prevail.

Be wary about this letter.

My dd was on the receiving end of bullying from what were her friendship group. The ring leader was very manipulative kept tight control in the others in the friendship group, but wasn't seen herself to do the bullying. IYSWIM. This is exactly the sort of thing that happened with my DD, letters written by the bullies to point fingers at the bullied.
It on,y came out when the school interviews all of the DCs together with DD. Bar the ringleader, the others couldn't lie so easily in front of her.

I'd suggest speaking with the school. Explain the letter, but that your not sure what to make of it & don't want to take it just as gospel, incase there's something more devious going on & ask them if they can get to the bottom of it by speaking to them, because obviously if it's true, it's very unfair on your DD

Bullying isn’t always as cut and dry as it seems. A girl in my year accused basically half our year of bullying and then moved schools and she was, and still in 12 years later, a toxic, horrible human

Oh & I agree with not mentioning it to your DD & seeing how that plays out

If it's so that the other girl had been bullying DD's friends then she is not an innocent victim. Do the school know about this?

II'd take it further with the school.

I think you've handled this really well. I have had to e mail my DD11 school today as there's been some real nastiness (verging on bullying) from one of the girls directed at my daughter the last couple of weeks and I wanted it nipped in the bud. I don't know the other girls parents or would approach them directly. School were great and called me 10 mins later to discuss and it will be dealt with on Monday x

My friend at school got suspended for bullying another girl. Her parents took the school's word for it that their child was a bully, but the reality was that the girl who was "being bullied" was the bully, my friend just flipped one day and stood up for herself. Everyone at school knew the true story but the school would never back down or admit their mistake :(

Thank you so much for sharing thoughts and experiences. I've just been to school, showed them letter, had sensible chat with pupil support teacher. Hopefully line can now be drawn. And before she went to school, dd gave me her word that she wouldn't behave like this again. School's involvement and approach is a million, brilliant miles from how things were in my miserable 80s day, so that's something to be 100% grateful for