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To think my family favour my eldest child or AIBU?

23 replies

Birthdaycakemondays · 28/11/2019 21:17

Eldest is 2 & a half, youngest is 6 months. So I understand the 2yo is more ‘fun’ & easier to interact with.

If we go to see family, they all fuss over DC1 & don’t even look at DC2 (honestly not exaggerating) till 15 minutes later when they say ‘oh hiii x!’ Baby really smiley/happy/content. Breaks my heart when they give a big grin after being shown a bit of attention at last Sad

Another really silly thing... my mum made them both matching stockings & I noticed she gave the worse looking one with some imperfections to DC2.

I already feel bad myself on DC2 tbh, that DC1 gets more of my attention because they’re more demanding/older, so this may be clouding my judgement.

I feel a bit ridiculous now I’m writing this down really... but it feels real to me, I feel horrible.

Has anyone else experienced this with your youngest, especially if they are close in age?

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 28/11/2019 21:27

My family always went to the older one when there was a baby, to make sure older one didn't feel they were taking a back seat by babies arrival . After a while it evens out and baby wont notice.

Forallyouknow · 28/11/2019 21:29

Does your children not have any cousins? This tends to be normal where there’s a number of little ones around.. some just happen to garner more attention then others 🤷‍♀️ I’m sure it’s not a vicious thing ... you should actually be happy the baby doesn’t know but the 2yo v.likely would get jealous and lash out at baby / adults they want the attention of.

Birthdaycakemondays · 28/11/2019 21:30

Thanks @sweeneytoddsrazor. I am
hopeful it will change as DC2 gets older & will no longer tolerate it 😂

OP posts:
marshmallowss · 28/11/2019 21:30

My family were like this. Openly admitted it was because the older was more fun to interact with. As the younger has gone older, their opinions have changed.

Birthdaycakemondays · 28/11/2019 21:32

@Forallyouknow no they are the first children of the brothers/sisters. I guess for this reason DC1 was the first everything, first child, first grandchild etc etc.. got a lot of attention. Stark contrast to DC2. You’re probably right, maybe better this way round as DC1 would understand more.

OP posts:
Piixxiiee · 28/11/2019 21:32

Yes same here, but it does even out, I think as a mother you have a naturally fierce need for equality. I've had issues with the girl boy attention as they get older.... Lways something

Birthdaycakemondays · 28/11/2019 21:35

@marshmallowss glad it’s changed, I had horrible feelings of the ‘first golden child’ attitude never changing! But I do think as DC2 gets older & more fun things will change.

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areyouafraidofthedark · 28/11/2019 21:36

My dad does this but it seems more for the boy grandchildren and not so much my daughter.

Birthdaycakemondays · 28/11/2019 21:36

That’s it @Piixxiiee. All the guilt! sigh

OP posts:
Birthdaycakemondays · 28/11/2019 21:37

That’s tough @areyouafraidofthedark. Have you confronted him?

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marshmallowss · 28/11/2019 21:40

@Birthdaycakemondays it does even out. And my family do have their favourite but it varies between both my children so doesn't bother me too much. It isn't obvious to them and that's the most important.
I find my brother especially can't cope with babies but loves his kid niece and nephew now they are older. Don't worry too much. Toddlers have children just give more back than babies

Birthdaycakemondays · 28/11/2019 21:44

@marshmallowss thanks Smile that’s made me feel better, honestly.

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Hopingtobeamum · 28/11/2019 21:47

Eldest SD seemed to get favoured a lot more (not by me I treat them both equally), more so when they were younger.
Youngest SD could be tricky at times when she was younger but she's a lot more settled now.
Eldest SD always gets new clothes, youngest SD gets a lot of her hand me downs.
I make a point of buying youngest SD new stuff as she's really really good and never moans about hand me down ever. I'm so impressed with how she is with this tbh.
I love them both equally and try to even things out.
Eldest SD got a phone when she went to secondary school. Youngest SD is 10 but I've talked her dad into getting her a phone for Xmas, she's really into her tech and it's beneficial to be able to keep in communication with her individually too (we use Messaging tools to keep in touch with both SDs when they're not with us).
I really try and even things out so they feel we treat them equally. I also encourage DP to spend time with them one on one as well as family time.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 28/11/2019 21:49

@Birthdaycakemondays my mother is a wise woman. The first time she came to visit after my 2nd dc was born she came in and as normal started chatting and playing with dc1 completely ignoring baby. I was a bit taken aback but this carried on until she suddenly said to dc1 what is that over there pointing to the moses basket. Dc1 then very proudly said thats a baby I am a big brother now. She then asked him if she was allowed to cuddle his baby brother and of course he said yes all the while revelling in this new important status he had and chuffed that Nana thought he was such a clever grown up big brother.

FrenchBoule · 28/11/2019 21:53

@sweeney that’s lovely story :)

LisaSimpsonsbff · 28/11/2019 21:54

When DS was a tiny non-mobile baby it used to bother me that I felt my family favoured my nephew, who is 9 months older than him. I even confronted my mum about it, and she was taken aback and pointed out that it's a lot easier to interact with a one year old than a 3 month old. DS is now 17 months old, there's not a trace of favouritism, he's an awful lot more fun and more engaging than he was at 6 months and I feel very silly for making a fuss back then.

Josephinebettany · 28/11/2019 21:59

Same age gap and same situation. I was fine about it when DC2 was a baby but now 5 years on DD1 still seems to be favoured. Really annoys me.

Whatsername7 · 28/11/2019 22:00

My ils massively favour dd8 over dd2. It is really upsetting as dd2 is gorgeous, loving and brilliant. They comment that she is a 'mummys girl' who clings tl me but, often, im the only one in her corner. Dd8 is a lovely, bright, brilliant kid, but she is dh's first born and he is golden bollocks, so dd8 is baby golden bollocks. She is completely oblivious and so is dd2 at the minute. Its just me who gets upset. Dd2 has never been invited to sleep over, whereas there was massive pressure on me to leave dd8 from about 6 months. I dunno. Ultimately, they are the ones who will miss out.

Forallyouknow · 28/11/2019 22:23

Ah. First grandchild will always have a special place. Just be glad it’s not a boy/ girl thing that is Literally the absolute worst!

theoriginalmadambee · 28/11/2019 22:29

My family always went to the older one when there was a baby, to make sure older one didn't feel they were taking a back seat by babies arrival . After a while it evens out and baby wont notice.

My dmum was a Montessori teacher, very very good and considerate with children. She did this and taught the rest of us. This in order to prevent jealousy and the baby doesn't give two hoots.

Of cause you need to keep an eye on things changing when your baby gets a little older.

SnowsInWater · 28/11/2019 23:22

Let's be honest, babies are dull as ditchwater unless they are your own. If it doesn't even out over the years you would be right to be upset but right now it's better that your eldest isn't jealous of the baby.

As mums we always try to be fair, I felt the need yesterday to have a conversation with my 21yo about why his 16yo is getting a laptop for Christmas (needs it for school) and he won't be getting anything that matches. He couldn't care less, I felt much better once I had heard that 😂

Sewrainbow · 29/11/2019 09:24

It evens out, dont worry its early days at the moment. Mine are the same age difference and first grandchildren on my side. Whilst ds1 was the golden 1st with my mum ds2 is much more affectionate and goes to her first for cuddles and she responds well to that. She treats them the same now.

WooMaWang · 29/11/2019 09:52

I'd wait and not worry about favouritism yet. Your DC2 is still very young and it may well change in time.

I do understand the concern though. DP's mum massively favours DSD (6) over DSS (3) and it's not nice. It's so bad that she's given DSD a bedroom in her house but DSS doesn't have one (he's expected to share with various adults). Whenever DP challenges his mum on this and suggests a bunk bed for them to share the room, she goes on about his it's 'DSD's room' and DSD 'needs it'.

Tbh, DSS is kind of used to it. His own mother massively favours DSD over him. She gets new clothes (loads of them); he gets her hand me downs or charity shop stuff. She gets several pairs of shoes from Clark's; he gets a cheap pair of shoes from primark. And so on.

There's nothing either DP or I can do than treat them both fairly. It's tricky though because DSD is used to being favoured and gets very sulky if DSS is treated the same as her (and it's obvious why: it feels to her like she's getting treated 'worse' than usual).

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