Lack of sex....

[Perry94]

I am new to Mumsnet and am looking for some advice/ support pls!

I had my son 9 weeks ago, and I wanted to see how often other mums have/ have had sex? Myself and my partner haven't done a thing since we conceived on NYE.... when I say not a thing, I mean NOTHING.... I am now back on the pill and fully recovered (vaginal birth with no tear) but still nothing.... I'm not sure if he just finds me unattractive with extra baby weight or what, but I'm so upset about it and too embarrassed to speak to him about it. We used to have an good sex life, but I lost 2.5 stone before I conceived and as soon as I started losing weight our sex life took a nose dive,,, any advice is much appreciated!!!

We could give you theories about what could be wrong OP but the bottom line is you need to talk to him. Everyone's experience through pregnancy and after birth will be different so there's no right or wrong (or even 'normal') but it's obviously bothering you and the only way to find out what's happening with him is to ask him.

We've had real issues with communication about sex so I completely sympathise with the embarrassment factor but it's something you have to find a way round if you want things to improve. If you can't face speaking to him directly what about a letter/email/message? Gives him chance to read and digest before responding and saves your blushes.

Are you breast feeding? Some men are can get a bit freaked out about having sex and bf

@Hidingtonothing - yes a letter may be a good idea... previous experience with him makes me afraid to ask. I brought it up a while ago and he went mad and didn't speak to me for several days. Thanks for the advice.

@Waveysnail not BF - thanks for the advice though x

Ah, sounds like you're going to have to tread carefully then, is it that he takes it as criticism? Careful wording can help if so, try to speak (or write) in terms of 'I feel' rather than 'you make me feel' and 'I'd like it if you....' rather than 'I wish you wouldn't...', so a positive, non critical approach which focuses on your feelings rather than things he does/doesn't do. Did you get anything out of him last time before he stropped off?

@Hidingtonothing 'stropped off' is the perfect description of what happened! I think he takes it as an insult. You see he openly talks about sex in relation to other people, ie celebrities etc, but when it's about us he doesn't want to discuss it.
My last relationship ended after we became 'more like friends', so I think I may be extra panicky that the same thing may happen again?! Maybe it me... I just need to grow some lady balls and bring up the subject!!

I'm not surprised you don't want to when he reacts like that tbh so I don't think it's as easy as womaning up. Sounds like he's insecure about sex and that's why he goes on the defensive. In our case we were both insecure and defensive so you can imagine how productive that was!

First thing you need to do is get him on side, you can't even begin to fix what's wrong with your sex life until you're on the same team and working towards the same goals. So I would start by telling him how sad it makes you that you're not close in that way anymore, that it makes you even more sad that you don't seem to be able to talk to each other about it and that you'd really love for the two of you to try to put it right. Don't talk about what you think might be wrong, just make it crystal clear that you see it as a joint problem to be fixed together.

Bear in mind that he may need to catch up, if he's been burying his head in the sand he won't be in the same place as you in terms of being ready to work on things. Having said that it's a good idea to set a time limit so he doesn't go straight back to burying his head so maybe end your message with a suggestion you talk again in a weeks time or something.

It's about letting him know it can't go on without some kind of discussion/agreement about how you go forward, but that it's not about blame or who's at fault, it's about working together to make things better. Good luck, feel free to post/PM if I can help along the way

@Hidingtonothing thanks so much for your advice, I'm really glad I posted, it's a little reassuring to know that others have been/are in the same boat. I will definitely take your advice and see what happens.... xx