Sacral herpes

[Pachonga]

Met a really great bloke through my friend's husband, been on several dates and I really like him. Funny, intelligent, solvent- all seems legit. We haven't slept together yet but as it was looking like we might, he sat me down the other night and told me he is a sacral herpes carrier, caught it more than 20 years ago and has a couple of flare-ups a year when he gets run down. Now, I'm not bothered. We all have a past and he was just unlucky and I don't want to end our budding relationship over it, far from it. I'm glad he was open about it with me but really, I don't want him to pass it on to me.

AIBU to ask any of you if you have any experience of this and how I can go about not contracting it myself? I have done a bit of research but I would like to hear from someone else who has been in a similar situation or who has sacral herpes themselves. Bloke says he can't pass it on unless he is having an outbreak but he's never really put this theory to the test as he hasn't had that many sexual partners since he learned he carried it.

Any info greatly appreciated

Well, where does it occur? It's not genital herpes, it's herpes that may - or may not appear in the genital area. If he has had it for 20 years and is aware of the site of reoccurrence and the changes in his body that lead him to anticipate a flare - AND - you trust him to let you know when that is, then progress with caution.

I've had genital herpes for about 15 years, I can tell when I am about to get a flare up and refrain from genital contact, but always use condoms anyway. My partner of 6 years is fine.

  I admire your potential partner for being honest at this stage.

A huge proportion of the population are positive to one or other form of herpes and many of them are not aware. Good for him for telling you . There isn't any logic in letting herpes put you off a relationship in my opinion . Read about it ; you will find it reassuring.

I've just read an article on this. It said about 80% of people with herpes can pass on the virus while having no symptoms themselves and they are completely unaware of carrying the virus.

As anyone who partakes of sexual contact is at risk therefore, it's a shame this virus carries such a stigma and elicits comments like "ewww" etc from some people who may well unknowingly have it!

I think there should be more focus on this subject as it is largely ignored, while we hear of syphilis, gonireaha (sp), Chlamydia, all the time. Yet herpes sufferers are made to feel dirty and untouchable. It's not right.
I had a long relationship with someone who suddenly had an outbreak. He said it had happened once before but as it went away he just ignored it. This was back in the early eighties when AIDS was the big epidemic.

I have this, HSV2, I suspect caught at university but not recognised as herpes until about 20 years later. I did pass it on to XDH. I also had to tell DH early on in our relationship. DH decided to stick with me. He doesn't seem to have contracted herpes at all, but then XDHs only surfaced when we were divorcing and he was extremely stressed.

I get outbreaks across the top of my buttocks when I'm run down or when I'm fighting off a cold, and I make sure contact between us is very limited then. Proper PJs, own towels, hot wash etc. Occasionally I get a run of small outbreaks and take a course of antivirals which clear it. I recently had surgery and wasn't surprised to get an outbreak in the days after recovery.

There is lots of conflicting information about it - whether you can get it when you dont have an outbreak in particular. It's really common, probably 10% of the population have it apparently.

While his appears on his buttocks, which makes it easier to spot and avoid, if you caught it it may well be on your genitals initially or even long term.

I have no advice for you - it's a lottery. I feel very guilty for passing it on to XDH although I had no idea that was what it was (diagnosed as some kind of psoriasis for years). I dread what might happen if I had to have chemo or got ill and what's likely to happen in my old age. I would hate DH to get ill and get an attack while his immune system is busy elsewhere. But I love him forever for taking the risk, and our circumstances meant we were very emotionally committed before we could make physical contact.

I admire this guys honesty. Actually. You're safer with this guy who knows he has the condition and can spot a flare up. That's so, so much better than the many, many men that have it, dont tell you, and continue to have sex during a flare up.
It actually wouldn't put me off.

Everyday is a school day on Mumsnet, I've never heard of it, good on him for being upfront and honest with you.

I found this link which is quite informative:

www.skinsight.com/skin-conditions/adult/sacral-herpes-simplex-virus-hsv

And if you do end up catching it, it's not the end of the world.

That's the article I read Sandra. Very informative. Do they teach this in sex education I wonder?

Live and learn! Never, ever heard of this.

@Azzizam they never taught us about sti’s in sexed. Period, how you get pregnant, what a condom is but not sti’s.

An actual lesson on what they are, how you contract them, treatment, symptoms to look for. How to access condoms etc would also be a good lesson.

OP this guy seems honest and decent and there aren’t many around like that!

That's terrible Like. Mind you in my day the closest we got to it was osmosis I think! Those adorable nuns! 😏

Thanks everyone. I have tried to read up about it but this kind of herpes doesn't have as much available information as other kinds of herpes.
Thanks everyone. I suppose herpes has more of a negative press than a lot of other STDs because most others can be cured but you're stuck with herpes for life.

I like him and this has only raised him in my estimation. I just want to get my head around the practicalities of it all

He sounds fab, I love his honesty, it shows real respect and care for you. I get coldsores on my face, not very often, but have done since being a young child. Been with dh over 15 years and he's never caught it, nor have our kids. I am careful to keep my lips to myself when I feel the tingle though.