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Aibu -too soon

22 replies

September2019new · 28/11/2019 15:08

Hi all

Would love some advice and help.

Am separated 6 months, ex Dh due to move out after xmas.however marraige been dead for years only for the pretence. Our split is not 'public' yet, my family know but not his. He has been too ashamed to tell to this point. Last number of months have been difficult and he has in ways been abusive, with words.

Anyway my aibu - I have met someone, older than me. We are taking it very slowly, but I have never felt this way. I am wondering is this because i have been emotionally dead for so long or is it possible to immediately have such strong feelings. Do I need to back off and let the dust settle so to speak?

Advice appreciated

OP posts:

CripsSandwiches · 28/11/2019 15:23

I don't think you necessarily need to back off so much as exercise caution. Enjoy the new relationship but be aware that after such a short space of time you don't know whether it will work or not. If it's just a fling enjoy it for what it is. If it eventually develops into something more then great but there's no need to rush it.


September2019new · 28/11/2019 15:36


Thanks for the advice.

Yes definitely no need to rush. I suppose the feelings are so unexpected I am questioning are they real

OP posts:

DonKeyshot · 28/11/2019 16:02

You've been wandering in the romantic equivalent of a desert for years and now you've found what appears to be an oasis, but it could be a mirage.

As for 'never felt this way', if you cast your mind back through the mists of time I suspect you once felt this way about your stbxh and it would be wise to consider why that particular love affair came to grief.

Be very careful, OP. Being starved of love and affection for a prolonged period of time may have made you vulnerable and experiencing 'strong feelings' for this new man could blind you to any red flags that may be attached to him.


September2019new · 28/11/2019 16:07

DonKeyshot your first paragraph is a excellent description. I must however admit I never felt this way for ex, which eventually along with other things made me eventually end it.

Should I cool it or enjoy. He is 15yrs older

OP posts:

September2019new · 28/11/2019 16:08

He said he wants me, but wants me to be happy with me and for me first

OP posts:

Stereomum · 28/11/2019 16:18

I was in a similar situation 17 years ago. Six months after separating from husband I met a wonderful man three years younger than me. I treated it as a fling as I had ds to think of. We are still together now had two children together and been married for 13 years.


Stereomum · 28/11/2019 16:19

And my first husband never showed any emotion or feeling towards me.


September2019new · 28/11/2019 17:38

Stereomum that is heartwarming I'm glad it's worked out for you

I suppose it's a case of almost being afraid of feeling as I dont think iv ever been in love

OP posts:

Iggleonkupsy · 28/11/2019 17:52

Your ex needs to tell his family asap. Not sure whether you care what his family think, but if you've been split 6 months and are moving on but he hasn't told his family, he may make out like you've moved on straight away. I'm sure you may not care but if you have kids you may have to see them and I'd hate to have people thinking of me like that.


September2019new · 28/11/2019 17:55

Iggleonkupsy I encouraged him to do so but he refused. The agreement was he would move out after xmas. His family are no longer my problem

OP posts:

Iggleonkupsy · 28/11/2019 18:07

I'm sorry for you.
All the best in the future. You deserve to be happy but like others have said, just take it slow :)


September2019new · 28/11/2019 18:14

Iggleonkupsy thank you for that, I appreciate it.

Would any of you be concerned with age gap?

OP posts:

DeRigueurMortis · 28/11/2019 18:40

No, I don't think the age gap is an issue. 15 years is a lot if you're 20, but not really an issue if you're 30 iyswim.

I think DonKey gave good advice.

I don't think you need to cool it particularly, but perhaps just ease in gently rather than plunging into the deep end.

If it's right, taking the relationships forward gently won't hamper its progress (potentially the reverse wrt the long term) but equally if it doesn't then you've not overly embroiled yourself needlessly.

If he's "the one" he'll understand your need to go slow. That doesn't mean not having fun (spending time together and enjoying a great sex life) rather just being wary of making decisions that would be hard to extricate yourself from (like moving in together for example).

Good luck Thanks


CrustyMorticia · 28/11/2019 18:58

Was in a very similar situation myself. Stayed many years in a dead (and increasingly toxic) relationship. Met my now DP who is 13 years older before officially splitting with ex of 20+ years and father of my 2 DC. Best advice I can give is continue to take it really slow, but enjoy what you have now as overthinking can ruin everything and you miss out on all the fun early days feelings. By taking it slow you build a solid foundation for the relationship if it does progress, and you're not in too deep if it doesnt. I too never felt like anyone the way I do about my DP, I think being older (im mid 40s) means I have a finely honed sense of cynicism, and have actively searched for red flags from the very beginning. Been together a year now, and im still stunned that its possible to have such a good relationship.


September2019new · 28/11/2019 19:55

Yes he does mention about not overthinking!

There is massive attraction and both of us are independent, especially him

It's very exciting after boredom for so long, I suppose I don't know myself

He has no kids , divorced, I have two small children. That does worry me

OP posts:

September2019new · 28/11/2019 19:55

I'm 32 he is 47

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User342109097569098 · 28/11/2019 20:03

I’d enjoy it but not take it to seriously if it’s something then great! If it’s just a fling then enjoy being flung


stucknoue · 28/11/2019 20:15

Go for it ! I waited about 4 months but my h was still living at home when I started dating. He had moved out before I met someone I really Grinliked! Wish me luck tomorrow he's staying for the first time. It's scary and exciting in equal measures


MakeItRain · 28/11/2019 20:36

I would proceed with caution, especially as you have small children to consider. I look back on the time just after I separated as a very, very vulnerable time in my life even though on the face of it I felt I was doing something very strong and independent by making a home for myself and my children. I think it would be really easy to launch into something that seems "exciting/loving" (but is just an illusion) in comparison to the relationship that has just broken down.

I would just go very, very slowly and for eg decide not to involve your children in your new relationship for a good year to 18 months. They (and you) will need that time to adapt to all the changes in your lives and it will give you time to decide if the relationship is going to last. Flowers


September2019new · 28/11/2019 22:08

MakeItRain you are right. Absolutely zero intention of involving my children etc. We both have own homes etc, no plans to even think about merging lives

I just feel so strongly it scares me

OP posts:

DonKeyshot · 28/11/2019 22:57

Before commenting further, OP, how did you come to meet him and does your stbxh know you have a suitor/lover?


MakeItRain · 29/11/2019 09:15

It's really hard to know what's happening because it could be that you've met someone who's "right" for you, but it could be that a part of you is craving love and emotion and this man has tapped into that and is bombarding you with all the things the want to hear. They do say abusive men tune in to vulnerable women and the start of an abusive relationship is often very intensive and "wonderful".

So I would just take your time, and be wary of little warning signs, or signs that he is controlling. My abusive relationship started off really intensely, I felt very loved, I felt incredibly in love etc etc But looking back there were all sorts of little clues that he was controlling (moved in quickly, decisive about our plans, critical in a "caring" way that hinted I couldn't cope with my job for example, but he would look after me etc etc).

So just take your time and take it slowly. Remember you don't really know him yet, so lots of these feelings won't be real, and they will be exacerbated by the tough time you have been through and that you're going through now. Just plan "dates" etc and try to enjoy it for what it is, and keep your eyes open for any signs at all of things that bother you. (There, the advice of a cynic!)

Good luck, and fingers crossed he's just someone lovely you've had the good fortune to cross paths with.

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