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To not go to my dying Grandmother's bedside

9 replies

JustACog · 28/11/2019 12:53

My grandmother is in hospital 300 miles away, she's at the end now, heavily sedated and it seems unaware of her surroundings.

I last saw her weekend before last when she was lucid. We had 30 mins to ourselves, talked about my childhood, our memories, my plans for the future. Really did feel like we said goodbye.

I'm now getting lots of pressure from family members to drop everything and be at her bedside for her final hours. I've got 2 young kids, DH works shifts, I'm in FT employment. I could work out arrangements to cover it all but WIBU to just say no I'm not coming. Sounds really selfish as I write it out but I just don't want to go.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

ThePants999 · 28/11/2019 12:56

YANBU, and not even for your practical reasons. I missed my mum's final hours. That means my final memories of her were happy ones. My dad not only understood, but told me I did the right thing. It's different if they're lucid and you're being there for them, but if they're not aware of their surroundings then IMO it's just pain all round.


Confusedbeetle · 28/11/2019 13:00

The only point of going would be to support the other family. Explain to them you have said your goodbyes and want to remember that visit as the last. She is unaware of your presence now


1990shopefulftm · 28/11/2019 13:13

you aren't being unreasonable.

I went to the hospital 100 miles away to see my dying grandad yesterday and he was still a bit lucid so i could say goodbye but he's clearly suffering and won't be conscious at all soon for self preservation i've decided i won't go again as I know it ll make the process even harder if I do. i think you've been able to have a wonderful last memory with your grandma so i don't think its selfish not to visit again.
tell your family members that you want that last memory of her to be a good one, they should respect that.


Fairylea · 28/11/2019 13:15

Not unreasonable at all. I missed my mums final moments for very similar reasons.


Limensoda · 28/11/2019 13:17

Don't feel guilty. You feel like you said goodbye and that should be the last memory you have of her.
It doesn't matter what other family members's your grandmother and your relationship with her, not theirs.


Mumdiva99 · 28/11/2019 13:20

If your mum or dad need you and you want to support them - then go. Otherwise save all the rearranging of family, work etc for the funeral. It's more important to visit when people are alive and know you are there. And you did that already.


TheFaerieQueene · 28/11/2019 13:23

I was with my DF when he died earlier this year. I certainly didn’t expect my son - his grandson - to be there. He had been very regularly to see his grandfather during his decline. Do what you think is best for you.


JustACog · 28/11/2019 13:28

Just text my Aunt to say I had a lovely time with my Grandmother a few weeks ago and I couldn't make it.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 28/11/2019 13:28

Definitely not unreasonable.
Very practical.

I wasn't able to be at either of my darling GM's bedside due to location. I also had visited weeks early and chatted while they were still lucid. I treasure those last memories.


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