To want another baby?

[Fluffballs]

So I fear I may be giving in to my hormones, and would like someone to be brutally honest with me.

I have a lovely 6 month old baby and am seriously considering ttc a second. Due to work, finances and a variety of other things, it all makes sense to either have 2 close together or just the one. Except for the fact I am INCREDIBLY broody, it's all I can think about.

But I feel I'm wearing rose tinted glasses, and thinking that a sleepy newborn in a sling can't be too hardwork.

If you have two close together, could you share the brutal reality?
What's it like looking after a baby while experiencing morning sickness? Or heavily pregnant?
What do you do if they're both having a screaming fit and you've only got one pair of hands?
Is the sleep deprivation twice as bad?

Do you wish you'd waited?

Please make me see sense!

I have three under four, about 20 months between each. DC2 was a surprise, DC3 was (maybe badly) planned.

It is hard, and I wouldn't underestimate that. Practically you just get on with it because you have to. I have no family support nearby, but did have my parents staying for a couple of weeks after DC2 and 3 were born, which was invaluable in terms of help. Meant my husband could focus solely on the older kids and Mum and Dad could look after me and help with the baby.

Right now, with my eldest 3.5 and the baby coming up 6 months, I'm almost at breaking point. The brutal answer to the screaming fits at once is that one gets left (in a safe space) while you attend to the other, and back and forth it goes. In fairness though, I haven't been in that position very often.

Parenting a baby/toddler while pregnant was ok, but I never suffered much morning sickness, which helped massively. I felt guilty that I had to stop carrying my eldest during the third pregnancy, as it was just too much. They probably have more expected of them than other 3 year olds, though I try hard to be mindful of that.

The sleep deprivation is worse (eldest still didn't sleep through when DC2 was born) and in three and a half years I've had maybe half a dozen ok nights, if that. It's horrendous and has had a big impact on our relationship, including an almost total lack of sex atm. I'm hugely touched out, never without a child or baby attached and craving space to be me again (roll on a return to work!).

BUT, after all that . . . No, I don't wish I'd waited. It's been hard and stressful and some days I just fall apart in tears. But my older two are beginning to play really nicely together. They have the same interests in terms of TV, days out etc. and we can easily find things to do as a family. They both adore the baby, who is constantly stimulated and surrounded by love. In a few years they'll all be at the same school and practical life will be a little easier. We can begin getting rid of the baby stuff rather than hanging onto it for years, I'm elbow deep in nappies but have never not been so there's no sense of going backwards. It all works, kind of!

And I should say, I have the most amazing childminder who still takes the older two for a couple of days. Without that it would be much much harder and this would probably be quite a different post. So I'd say go for it if you have the support, paid for or otherwise. Maybe not the reality check you want, but that's my experience, hope it's a little helpful!

Wow that's amazing, thank you!

6m olds can still be relatively ‘easy’ as they aren’t mobile. For me, the hardest period was 9m to 18m. I don’t think there is an idea gap.there are pros and cons to everything. If it helps, I’ve got a 21/2 year gap and the pros/cons so far (with the second still in the baby stage) are:

Pros
Toddler had understanding and could be left to play independently, free hours have kicked in while on mat leave and I’ll never be double running nursery at full cost. Toddler could ‘help’ with the baby and I only had a couple of months of double nappies. The other pro is once the older one hit 3, she could do activities independently and once she goes to school, the baby can do the same.

Cons- even at this gap, their needs are so different. One has emotional needs and the other physical and it can be hard to manage that. The baby’s nap routine is quite restrictive. She either gets upset (because she’s dragged out for the 3yo) or the 3yo is annoyed we aren’t going out. Once school starts, logistics will be a pain as we will have different drop-offs for 3 years.

I think small gaps are hard work for the first few years but probably easier in the long-run (similar interests, stages and logistically easier if they are in the same setting for longer).

I had two close together. It was very hard when they were small, ds2 did not sleep and needed to be held all the time which was a shock after an easy baby. They are now 7 & 8 and it is lovely having two so close in age and although they are very different they are also very close.

I waited longer to have ds3! Ds2 was 3.5 when he was born and I found it a much easier gap.

Well... until some recent bombshells, me and DP planned to have another baby soon after this one.

Oh and pregnancy with a baby was difficult, I had a hard pregnancy and remember being sat in front of the toilet being sick while ds1 was on the bathroom floor next to me reading books.

I preferred having my dc close in age, when ds2 was born my other younger dc were 11 months twins , 20 months and 3.5yrs.
We had all the equipment and were in full baby/toddler mode so each extra one slotted in. My older dc a 6 year gap, and that was harder.

We're planning to TTC again when DS is 11 months. Although I've recently been reading that a smaller gap between siblings increases the risk of autism, which is slightly stressing me out

I had three under two. It was utter hell.
BUT we all survived and things are food now (10yrs later). I would not recommend it but if it is the only way you can have two and you want two then I say go for it.

Good not food

I don't think there is an easy way. Two kids is hard work whichever way you look at it! I have the opposite, a good 4.5 year age gap between my daughters and I found it so hard getting back into baby mode. Plus now I have a 6 year old and nearly 2 year old running in different directions with not a lot of common ground. My friend has just under 2 year age gap between her daughters and I believe that the first 18 months was awful for her but now she is coming out of the other side and I can see how close her daughters are, they have the same interests and play together, are much better at sharing than my younger daughter and days out seem so much easier when trying to please both etc.
Swings and Roundabouts I guess x

2 year gap here. I love it! There’s definitely moments where I think “ahhhh I cant take it anymore” but I think you’d have that with any gap. I found the first year hard with both of mine- neither of them wanted to nap and would get overtired and cry a lot.
Pros:

• I can take them to the same baby/toddler groups/rhymetime etc, ds is 3 now and is only starting to get bored of them
• Ds was still happy to sit in the buggy for the first year or so of having the baby, which meant they were both contained! Now at 3 he wants to walk or go on the buggyboard everywhere, but I don’t have a baby in a sling so I can make sure he’s not going to run off!
• ds is a lot more challenging and emotional now at 3 than he was at 2. He just sort of accepted his sibling at the time but I think he’d find it harder now. Friends with 3/4 year gaps have all said their toddlers have been really upset and angry with the new baby... but could be down to personality!
• both happy to watch CBeebies! 😂
• when dc2 was born the newborn days from dc1 were still fresh in my memory so I had very low expectations of sleep, remembered that breastfeeding sucks at first etc. My friend with a 6 year gap was completely out of the baby mindset and really struggled!
• they cuddle and play together now and it’s sooo cute!!

Cons-

• dc2 pregnancy was fine but I was a lot more tired and couldn’t nap whenever I wanted to like I did with dc1
• I worry that when dc2 starts school I’m going to really miss them being babies as the baby years were so close together! I’ll orobably want a third! 🙈
• the early days are tough when you have a cluster feeding baby who won’t sleep anywhere but on you and your toddler is sad because you can’t play with them. But honestly this only happened a handful of times
• potty training a toddler while the baby is sleeping in the sling is shit!!

I’d say if you have family/someone who can help out a bit (especially in the beginning) do it!

Thank you for all the lovely experiences

I had 2 in a year. I'm not going to lie the early days were tough but it was more than worth it. I found it my easiest pregnancy too as I was distracted by a baby and a 3 year old. Now they are a lot older and they are so close. I'd say go for it x

I had 3 under 3 and it was hard and a bit hectic, but not unmanageable. We lived with a strict routine for a few years and it was boring but worked well for us. It helped that they were good enough sleepers. There was literally less than 12 months between DC 1 and 2, and I found it easy enough for a few months, then it got hard when dc2 got a bit more mobile. But settled down again.

Not for the faint hearted though!

Dd is still a terrible sleeper, I wonder is it easier to potentially have 2 bad sleepers, than be lulled into a false sense of security with the first?

Or am I really kidding myself now,

My DS is now 10 months old, but when he was about 6 months I had a real desperate, physical craving and obsession with becoming pregnant again. It was all I could think about for about a week, but then it just went away again! I can only assume it was some weird hormonal thing.

Good thing too, as DS took three years to conceive, I am no spring chicken, and DH would rather have a vasectomy than risk a surprise miracle accident sibling for DS.

You do what feels right for your family, but maybe wait a couple of weeks to make sure it's not a fleeting feeling like mine was!

Mine are 18 & 19 now. The early years were full on but are a distant memory now. I've enjoyed them being into roughly the same things at the same time, it made days out/trips easier. I also liked each stage being full on but then ending quite quickly.

I've never regretted it, it's only had benefits for us.