AIBU for feeling so angry and lost
Munskin · 27/11/2019 21:41
Long post as im trying to include as much information as i can. I just need some advise as to where or what i do next.
DH and i have broken up - ive only told a couple of people as im not ready to accept it or talk.
Ive been unwell and off work for a year & DH has been so supportive and bearly left my side - that is his nature . its been an absolute nightmare as diagnosing is proving difficult.
Things havent been great between us as we are always on top of one another as he works from home and arguing has got worse making us both unwell - im sure i havent been easy to live with as at times i feel helpless and very frustrated.
I have been seeing a counsellor about my illness but admit i should have went sooner .
We have been arguing alot & I recently found out he has been messaging a new friend he accidentally found on fb on the other side of the world- infact he wrote a song about her relationship ( tragic story but haven’t heard the full story or maybe i have but to be honest i didnt listen as was so annoyed ) i found this out as i came down and the message popped up - i was very angry about this & went beserk but I choose to believe its a friendship only- well i tried to . he still remains friends on fb. I have deactivated my fb as i keep checking to see if he defriended her and that is not healthy but I secretly hoped he would have.
He said he felt lonely as i was always sleeping (part of my illness which isnt just as bad now funny enough) .
One of his parents said it is none of my business who he speaks to male or female. But again he has said he didnt tell me as i would go mad ... He did bring up that i talked to men he didn’t know about 4 years ago ( these were people i worked with (hobby i had) so it makes it ok for him and i deeply regret not telling him at the time as id nothing to hide. Double standards was the term used.
I then find out he has a thread on this about my illness but whilst most of it is nice about me & shows true concern every now and then there is a dig at how ungrateful i am for him looking after me and comments on me as a person using the term ‘hard’ . Yes it was his way of giving off steam but the tread didnt have all the info and im devastated that others have accused me of ABUSE and he didnt even stick up for me & correct that . He also states i should be so happy about all the nice things he has said about me & his concern and why do I focus on the not so good. Im his wife & not this bad evil person and when u see strangers criticising u when u are low enough its hard to take. I am a professional & work in the healthcare industry and abuse is serious and to accuse me of same is heartbreaking.
DH is also going through-other stuff and did take my advise and see a counsellor but ive learned she advised him to leave me . He decided as he couldn’t backtrack so he doesn’t go to her anymore - wtf did he tell her to suggest that. Am i the reason for what is happening him ? Ive been on at him to go back as didn’t know what she was advising.
He does like a drink ( who doesn’t ) but again i have learned that he feels im controlling and dont let him out- when in fact he really just does what he wants when it comes to going out and its very uncomfortable when i do say i dont want him too as he just goes on and on about it and I feel so guilty . i had a 48hour tape recently and he went on out that 1st night & his sister called him out on it- he wasnt happy about that. I pretended i was ok with it as i didn’t want to appear controlling as he wasnt far away- yes it did annoy me and is embarrassing having friends comment on his nights out . I didnt mind to be honest at the start as he had been so supportive& needed a break but this past while its been getting me down and he now just goes to a local bar and sits with people he doesnt know & does message me frequently ( i didnt ask for that) - most of the friends he had the boys nights out with are no longer single .
Im now left on a career break he recommended i go on to reduce my stress with no income from next month and no husband that i love - he has said he will keep supporting me but really from reading his ‘true thoughts’ on this he really cant anymore even thou he says he can- im getting mixed messages. why would he ‘financially support’ me if we are broke up & no sign of that changing - get real we all know this is not going to happen in the long term . Im not getting well anytime soon............
I do have suspicions he feels he deserves someone/something better and feels what we have isnt good enough anymore as im sick- this makes me feel useless as a women & a wife. But maybe that’s paranoia i know that/ but when u sit in the house most of the time and your husband has made new friends u dont even know about its hard not to be feeling some suspicion . My illness can effect my features at times and has rocked my confidence. He knows this.
I would never have taken a career break if i had of seen this coming- im not fit to work but i would have give it a good darn shot however ive been in hosp twice this last month so it wouldn’t even have worked .
Now im left with no husband , no job , no income and no one loving me for who i am RIGHT NOW . To top it all off ive just found out my mother has to get heart bypass surgery or a stint very soon so im holding off telling her as i dont want to cause more stress . Her and DH dont get on.
We have no kids but im very sad also as i did think we might have had 1 as time is creeping on & i love kids but never felt ready . He has his own stuff to deal with i know that and he isnt well & cant look after me emotionally as i need anymore & I can’t him - well not the way he wants - we have discussed this .
Am i being unreasonable for being so angry & feeling i dont deserve this. Today i feel so angry and feel i have totally lost the man i love who treated me like a princess for most of my marriage and illness.
littlepaddypaws · 27/11/2019 22:49
there is really nothing going for this shell of a marriage and going your separate ways seems to be the right thing, although i find it hard to believe a counsellor advised him to leave you. do you think he was making that up.
you both have gone through a lot but there is only so much that can be done before the dam gives way.
hope everything goes ok with your mum.
Corna · 01/12/2019 00:13
I can't offer much advice but I wanted to say that he sounds quite manipulative. You can't help being ill, he is entitled to want to have friends and even to move on from your relationship but there is no need for him to say nasty things to you. Perhaps he wants to make himself feel better about leaving you whilst you are vulnerable. Its clear you haven't done anything wrong to deserve his meanness.
Is it possible for you to change your career break so that you are working part time or something else that allows you to still be earning a bit? Just so you have some independence until things shake out however they will.
Sending hugs op, stay strong. Xx
Munskin · 01/12/2019 08:30
Thanks everyone - i was very emotional when i wrote the post
Yeah he is absolutely burnt out gamerchick & hasnt been looking after himself either. Im not sure about manipulation- perhaps thats how the post comes across but its more frustration on his behalf. Ive said i want him to do more things that promote positive mental health & to stop worrying about ‘looking after me’- the pub is something where we both have to meet in the middle i know that & have made clear that i want him to enjoy himself- who doesnt want their DH or partner to smile & love life.
We both know for us to work we needed time apart- we did this for a few days & both missed each other so we have thrashed lots of stuff out and are ‘back’- ( this term sounds so childish )but we wont be burying our heads in the sand anymore but focusing on a positive future where we both may or may not be totally happy about what the other does. Our relationship needs to be on a foundation of trust and respect & i think we did loose some of this along the way .
Thank u all for the comments
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