To think no man will be happy in a sex free relationship?

[compulsiveliar2019]

Just that really. Is there anyone out there who has entered into a relationship from the start knowing that sex or at least penetrative sex will never be on the table?

For context I'm 29 and have never had a relationship. I have severe gynaecological issues - extreme heavy bleeding, severe cramping ect. Sorry to be graphic but I can not tolerate anything inside me, tampons, fingers ect. I went for a smear test last week and the doctor was completely unable to do it or examine me due to pain. She said that things are not at a normal angle which is why I'm in so much pain.
I've been struggling with my issues for 10 years. There doesn't seem to be a solution. I used to dream of being a mum and being pregnant but there's no way it can happen.

I want to be in a relationship but feel like I would be trapping someone into it. I don't even know how I'd bring it up or when. I've been through a lot in the past few years and really don't want to enter into a relationship for it to fall apart because of my issues.

Has anyone been in the same situation or have any advice?

You poor thing! I hope a gynaecologist can help you in the near future.

But the thing is the op is single so has to find someone who would be ok with it, it’s totally different from being with a partner a long time then it happens. It’s hard enough finding a partner in general if the relationships board (and my friends!) are anything to go by. So it will probably be very difficult finding a man that’s ok with it to start with, let’s be honest.

You could try looking for someone who is asexual?

So she should just put up with it @rainywinterday? Bollocks to that. Push for every referral you can op.

I had a coil removed last year, hugely painful (it was for heavy bleeding rather than contraception, and had to be inserted under general anaesthetic while they were doing something else after a failed attempt with no anaesthetic).

The doctor that did removed the coil said at the time that it was possible to have a smear test done on NHS with local anaesthetic - maybe worth discussing with your GP.

Careful with tranexamic acid - I ended up with DVT after taking TA for about eighteen months. The A&E doctor said straight away that the TA was probably the cause, although GP denied it; I did find some research backing up the link between TA and DVT.

OP, so sorry to hear this. It is possible to find a man who can live without PIV, a friend of mine has for examle. Do you have an actual diagnosis?

@OlaEliza that's not what I meant. The OP is making it very clear she has sought a lot of medical help, but people are telling her she can't possibly have. Let's try not to kick her while she's down and make her feel like she can't possibly have done enough. That wasn't even the point of her post.

Ignoring the medical issue as I have no advice and it seems that you’ve been told to resign yourself to it.

There are lots of asexual people out there. If, however, you do want a sexual relationship (just not penetrative) there are good people who wouldn’t reject you on that basis, I’m sure. My husband can take or leave penetrative sex but does have a high sex drive. He’s often more interested in the other “stuff”!

Also re: motherhood what’s to stop you having IVF?

For some people sex is the be all and end all, for others it's not, for most it's just in the middle. The start of a relationship is about the fun the chatting the dating the kisses etc. If y hou wanted you could mention it early on and if he has no interest in you then 'thank you, next!' You have everything else to offer and someone who's not supportive definitely isn't worth it. I hope this all improves for you though and hugs

@rainywinterday Women have suffered for years, these sorts of problems haven't been taken seriously historically. There are umpteen stories about women being dismissed as overreacting and told to go away and deal with it. Especially nowadays while the NHS is on its knees. You have to fight to be seen about anything not immediately life threatening. If op has been treated like this then she should not let them fob her off.

Could you try going for a cycle of sessions with a womb therapist for massage, it could help you to reduce your need for as many painkillers?

A friend of mine who is quite private and therefore didn’t divulge details was unable to have penetrative sex for years but she had a procedure last year and now can. I don’t have any more details on what the condition is or what the procedure was as I say because she is quite private.

Thanks everyone. On the medical front I'm doing everything I can and my GP is very good and being very proactive on my behalf. I am sadly not in the position to go private so I am waiting for an NHS slot.
I think the truth of it all is that I'm not sure I am ok with not having/ not being able to have a sexual relationship. At present any form of arousal causes me to cramp within minutes and bleed heavier.
I possibly could have ivf but as things stand short of having general anaesthetics for egg retrievals and implantation ect I cant see how it could happen as I cannot cope with the pain. I'm not sure that is even an option! And at present I'm bleeding continuously so I'm not sure I would actually be able to carry a child.

I really hope your gynae appointment after Christmas is helpful.

If there is a condition that matches your symptoms you could look for a charity/support group for that condition, as they will often have recommended specialists and advice about getting the right treatment. Of course if you have no idea what condition that might not be helpful at all. Just an idea. (I had a chronic gynae condition - different from yours - and struggling without the right treatment for years before finally finding an association which pointed me in the right direction.)

I know many men who would be happy with an relationship without PIV. There are many men (and women) who are asexual who still want romantic relationships with people.

I'm with one myself. We cuddle and kiss and are constantly touching and being affectionate. We're madly in love, but we never have sex. Him because he's asexual, and me because my disability makes it so painful I can't enjoy it.

It's harder to find a relationship like this, but it's possible. Maybe try some more specialist dating sites.

I have at least 2 male friends who are asexual - they'd probably be perfectly happy with a relationship that didn't have any sexual elements. So there are people out there who'd be fine with it.
I hope you can get some answers and have your pain levels decreased.

If it is vaginismus, there are dilators you can get to help. You start with the smallest and work your way through the sizes. I think the website is vaginismus.com. There is also a soft silicon device called Vagi-Wave which you can start off with as it's very gentle. There is help out there but IME a lot of it is online.

I had vaginismus for years. I thought I would never meet anyone. Every man I met ended up leaving me because we couldn't have sex. Many tried to cure me and got frustrated when they couldn't.

I was so depressed and sad. I tried getting drunk a lot to see if it helped. It didn't.

Then I met a guy who WAS patient. Well, slightly more patient than the others and he encouraged me to get help.

I went along to a psychosexual clinic not expecting anything because in my head I was incurable.

I had to work with dilators which was my worst nightmare but I figured I had nothing to lose. I used to practice for half an hour a day in front of Hollyoaks (!)

Then, one day, whilst fooling around with semi patient man it went in. Just like that! And from there I have been able to have sex.

I still don't love it but I can now tolerate it and sometimes even enjoy it and have had successful and normal relationships ever since.

So my advice is - tackle it head on. Don't shy away. I used to just accept I would never have sex (I was 28 when I lost my virginity). I resigned myself to the fact that my bits just didn't work.

But by actually facing my fears amazingly they did. Good luck. I feel for you. I used to feel that sex was everywhere, staring me in the face and I was such a freak. It's a very lonely thing to go through.

Your GP is not a specialist in this area. You need a referral to one.
And/or consider getting in touch with a psychosexual counsellor. My friend is one and deals with issues that sound like this on a daily basis from a psychological, not physical point of view.
As for babies you could have sperm implanted and have a baby delivered via c-section. Not saying you should but it might be an option to consider at some point?

thatmustbenigel OP's problems sound much worse than even yours. OP, unfortunately I think the number of men, particularly younger men, would would willing to enter into a relationship without the hope of ever having PiV would be very small. I would concentrate on developing friendships, rather than romances, with men. Perhaps some of them will develop further.

@compulsiveliar2019

Ask for a cancellation because a lot of women do not turn up for appointments ... I know this because I used to be Out Patients receptionist in the NHS.

Merryoldgoat and 64newsname she was conceived the normal way - her aunts had the gene. What made me mad though is at 19 she told me she had never had periods and her parents had never taken her to the doctor to find out why.

I think until you get the medical issues out of the way there is no point in attempting to combat the psychological ones.

Hopefully they'll be sorted at some point and then hopefully you make some headway with everything else, with someone who is patient and understanding, perhaps using the cones etc suggested.

"I think until you get the medical issues out of the way there is no point in attempting to combat the psychological ones."

THIS, absolutely.

What about asexual men? Plenty of them don't mind not having sex.