To not tell DM about DF

[El2El]

Parents divorced for a long time, almost 2 decades. Acrimonious and they have no relationship now that I'm out of school and they don't need to make decisions for me. They don't talk. DF remarried, DM didn't. DF now getting divorced and in ill health. I've chosen not to talk about them to each other. Too easy to slip into them bad mouthing, trying to get me onside (DM does this much more than DF). DM knows this is my stance but still insists on asking for specific details about DF. She's heard that he is getting divorced and was asking me about it. As always, I said I didn't want to talk to her about him. She doesn't understand why I wouldn't, called me mean and arrogant for it.

Have posted about many issues with DM under a different name, often on stately homes threads. But wondered what others thoughts are?

Bump? Maybe I posted during meal time!?

I think you are doing the right thing. Telling either of them what is going on in the other's lives serves no useful purpose whatsoever, and is only going to result in you being put in the unfair position of having to listen to one slag the other off.

If you are a regular on the Stately Homes thread then I guess your DM has form for putting your own needs and boundaries, behind her own wants, and this is just part of the same pattern.

Stick to your guns and ignore her emotional blackmail

Yanbu, the two should be kept separate and she’s wrong to make out that by not passing on info or gossiping with her you’re mean. You’re not. It’s your dad, it’s her ex. She doesn’t need to know anything

Despite being questioned, I refuse to discuss any of his exs with my DF.

I think you are 100% right.
It's none of her business and you've done well to figure out how best to deal with it. You are obviously very emotionally mature and aware, not easy when you're in the middle of family dynamics.
Look after and protect yourself.

Thanks for your replies. DM is very good and making me question my boundaries so it's good to get a bit of outside perspective. I've also never been divorced so couldn't say 100% how I'd feel. Thanks again.

You are doing the right thing. I am in a similar situation but do end up telling her and I hate it. She not asking out of concern

Yes, that's one of the things that annoyed me. She was trying to make out that she needed to know for practical reasons, couldn't say what the practical reasons were though. Then admitted she was just curious but kept pressing.