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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

i got a job in my abusive ex's hometown

23 replies

serenenqueen · 27/11/2019 13:58

My long distance ex unceremoniously dumped me about 6 weeks ago (just before my birthday) for "making him feel guilty" about me asking why he liked a pornstar's pic after constant pontificating about why porn is bad.

Lots of silent treatments, and a lot of blame to me "you're sabotaging the relationship" etc.

Lots of not prioritizing me and when I spoke up about it, dumping me, only to return (e.g. leaving me in a coffee shop with a chest infection whilst he went for a run and then blaming me for being manipulative for being annoyed when he was late to return - and then breaking up with me - then saying he "overreacted")

Breakup itself was horrendous. He made me travel to his to dump me, and then said it was my fault because "he thought he'd feel better when he saw me". Didn't look at me once or make eye contact - said he felt more comfortable not to look at me, huffing, laughing and sighing whenever I said anything. Said what I thought didn't matter. Said he was going to post me my stuff so he didn't have to see me again (he still hasnt done this).

I posted about all of it here, basically with the conclusion that ex-"D"P was an abusive arsehole who was trying to train me not to have an opinion or to challenge him.

6 weeks of breakup gladly experienced 3 attempts of contact off him ignored. All doing well.

Anyway. I got a job interview before we broke up at a very prestigious position I thought i had no chance of getting. Money is great, career advancements are great... I got a call today saying I had been successful and that they wanted me to start ASAP.

The job would mean I had to relocate to the place that my ex lives. It is a very small area. The place of work is about a 3 minute walk to my ex's house (I walked there for the interview from his). The likelihood of bumping into him is high.

My friend told me I need to be careful - he thinks the only reason ex has not been overly forceful with contact is because I am far away. When I move closer, he may reel me back in.

My sister says I should tell him I am moving there, so I don't worry about bumping into him.

What do I do!!!

I want the job. I don't want ex-boyfriend in my life. AIBU to tell him I am moving out of courtesy and for my own piece of mind? Or, will this open the whole dialogue that I have tried to end for the last six weeks, again?

OP posts:

Cobblersandhogwash · 27/11/2019 14:03

Don't tell him anything about you and your life.

Don't open up any channels of communication.

If you bump into him, just say hello and walk on.

I don't think there's any drama here unless you allow it.

Cobblersandhogwash · 27/11/2019 14:03

Oh and massive congratulations! Take the job. Run with it. You deserve it.

Myneighboursnorlax · 27/11/2019 14:04

I wouldn’t tell him. It’s none of his business where you live or work. Any chance he’d be at work himself during the same hours, so therefore not at home for you to bump into?

Batqueen · 27/11/2019 14:05

You don’t need to show him courtesy, he’s shown you none.

Can you work there but live somewhere a little distance away? Eg half an hour or so drive so you are in a bigger town where you could make friends and aren’t bumping into him socially?

Can you honestly say to yourself you are DONE and will not allow yourself to be sucked back in by him in any way? If yes, great for you, put some rules in place that will help limit any exposure as per above and crack on! If no it is not worth it!

Myneighboursnorlax · 27/11/2019 14:05

I think if you told him you’d actually be more at risk of bumping into him, as he’d be looking out for you.

purplecorkheart · 27/11/2019 14:07

Do not get in contact with him. As others said commute to work from a larger town if possible.

Thehagonthehill · 27/11/2019 14:07

Take the job,hold your head high and ignore him if you see him.

RhinoskinhaveI · 27/11/2019 14:08

He has treated you as if you have to obey him, as if you are somehow beholden to him, you don't have to go along with this, you should behave as if he has nothing whatsoever to do with you

crustycrab · 27/11/2019 14:11

You're very unlikely to bump into him. Unless you move into a house on the same street which you clearly won't

Gruzinkerbell1 · 27/11/2019 14:16

Live a little further out and commute/drive in to work every day.

Don’t tell him a thing.

Congratulations! On the new job and getting rid of the shit head.

messolini9 · 27/11/2019 14:46

My friend told me I need to be careful - he thinks the only reason ex has not been overly forceful with contact is because I am far away. When I move closer, he may reel me back in.
So long as you ARE careful, & have no contact with him whatsoever, you will not be reeled back in. You sound done with him - so even if you bump into him on the street, you'll be prepared to simply walk away, no?

My sister says I should tell him I am moving there, so I don't worry about bumping into him.
Sorry OP your sister has your interests at heart but is SO WRONG.
You don;t need his permission.
You don't want him misinterpreting any contact.
You don't tell him anything.
You don't engage with him.

Above all - don't let the twat have ANY influence over you accepting your dream job - & congratulations on winning it!

LifeSpectator · 27/11/2019 14:47

i agree with others that say just take the job and dont open contact, as place is that small , he will find out in time but so what, its none of his buisness , where does he work relative to your work place, will you have to share a sandwich shop? depending on where you are going to live you might not bump into him for some time and if you do ask for your stuff back.

crustycrab · 27/11/2019 14:54

For context, my friends narc mother lived on the street I did for years and I didn't clap eyes on her once!

DeathStare · 27/11/2019 14:55

Do you HAVE to relocate to the same town he lives in? Could you not commute for half an hour or so? That would put some distance between you.

And definitely don't tell him anything about the job. You've moved on - it has nothing to do with him.

MulticolourMophead · 27/11/2019 15:02

I still live in same town as ex. I haven't laid eyes on him in over a year, he's easy to avoid.

If I do see him, I'll be walking on by without speaking. No need, you see, he's history.

messolini9 · 27/11/2019 15:02

I don't think you should consider the 'moving further out from work then commuting' choice OP.

Unless there is a suburb you especially like - if it suits you do live near work & not have the commute, do that.
Why on earth would you put yourself through through the additional drudgery of commuting, just to avoid a person who is no longer in your life? Why let him 'win' like that - as I'm presuming he's not a physical danger to you, or ever has been?

Original poster

serenenqueen · 27/11/2019 15:19

@messolini9

My best friend seems to think he has the potential to be violent. The last time I was in the car with him (breaking up) I had an overwhelming urge to run away (like a fight or flight response) because he kept laughing at what I was saying (sounds stupid I know). I would freeze if I saw him again. Even seeing his texts flash up on my phone sent my blood cold.

If it was any other ex, I wouldn't care. I am friends with my last ex-boyfriend, and we have lived in the same city for years, no problem. But, he was never abusive to me.

OP posts:

Original poster

serenenqueen · 27/11/2019 15:22

The place of work is a short walk away from ex's house, and you can see it from his house. I don't drive, and would have to get a train/walk in. Train station would involve walking down his road daily.

I can't explain without doing a diagram - which I may do later

Ex does a lot of running. His running route involves morning and evening running which goes past the train station.

OP posts:

Lockshunkugel · 27/11/2019 15:31

Don’t move to the place he lives but move to another area that is within easy commuting distance of your new job.

Is your ex blocked on your phone and social media? Have your friends and family done the same?

makingmammaries · 27/11/2019 15:49

Get a bicycle and live as far away as you can comfortably cycle. Whizz past him.

Bluntness100 · 27/11/2019 15:53

Don't tell him it's none of his business, and do you need to live in the same town? Why not a little further away, like ten or twenty mins? Something with an easy commute?

messolini9 · 27/11/2019 16:12

He may have, & you may have had a lucky escape to be rid of him before any actual violence to you. I can understand your reaction to seeing him or even a text from him again.
But - genuinely - do you feel he would attack you in the street?
That seems ... unlikely to me - as most abuse happens behind closed doors, because the perpetrators know damn well how wrong they are & how they would be generally condemned.

Only you can weigh up what seems worthwhile to you. But he robbed you of so much peace of mind, security & self-esteem - are you gonna let him rob you of this perfect job as well?

RhinoskinhaveI · 27/11/2019 23:21

Very firm boundaries, if you have to interact with him at all keep it extremely businesslike
Don't allow him anyway in, block all pathways
I know you shouldn't have to alter your behaviour to accommodate him but but I think I would probably avoid areas where he was likely to be...where practical
For all knows you could be in a relationship with someone else anyway!

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